For the last few days, something has been weighing heavily on my mind. As parents, we are charged with raising our children to be the very best versions of themselves that they can be. We teach them right from wrong, we teach them about morals and ethics and what it means to just be a decent human being. And so, I take a look at my own children. What do I want to instill in my kids? What do I need them to know today? I came up with a few, and perhaps you can relate.
Boys:
-Will you understand the value of a woman? Any woman? Every woman? Will you treat her-whoever she is-always with love and respect? Do you understand that you don't have to like them all, in fact-you probably won't...but you can never be unkind or abusive?
-Will you realize that hitting a woman, regardless the reason makes you the weakest, lowest life form on the planet? Will you realize that there's never a good excuse? One day, when you're angry for all the ridiculous reasons that people get angry, will you raise your hand to her and think of your sister? Will you ask yourself what fury you'd feel if a man raised his hand to her? Will you know better than to ever let it get that far?
-Will you realize that abuse is NOT just physical? Will you realize that calling her stupid, belittling her, talking down to her, and bullying her are ALL forms of abuse? Will you understand that as her partner you should build her up, and never, ever let her be torn down--let alone that you ever be the one doing the tearing?
-Will you remember the way your daddy loved me, and carry that with you everywhere you go? Will you remember that touches are important? Kisses are important? TALKING is important. So many men forget that part. Fall in love with her mind, as much as her body.
-Know that "no" ALWAYS means "no". Regardless whether you are courting her, dating her, or married to her, her body is her own. If she isn't in the mood, she isn't. Never, ever make her do something she doesn't want to do---that's sexual abuse, and that's not something a good man does.
-Know that it's YOUR job to provide for your family when you choose to have one. No, I'm not saying that your lady can't work outside of the home. What I AM saying is--you SHOULD. Don't be content to stay home and let her take care of everything. Be her knight in shining armor-be her hero. Take the jobs that suck to pay the bills and keep food on the table.
-If you value her enough to have sex with her, value her enough to face the consequences of those decisions. Be a decent man, be an AMAZING father. I have always lived by the mantra that you don't have to be a husband to be a dad. I believe that to the fullest. My greatest wish for you is that you find a beautiful girl, you get married, and THEN you have children. And you raise them together, happily. I wish I could say this was easy, or even common, but it's not. As your mother, I charge you with always being there for that child. Every day, even if it's a five minute phone call. Not every relationship works out. And if it doesn't, remember that you broke up with her, and not your children. Be their dad. The best one you can be. Don't give another man the opportunity to do the job better than you.
-Know that you can always turn to your dad and I when these things don't make sense. When the world doesn't make sense. We don't have it all figured out, but we'll never stop trying to help you figure it out.
-And finally, lead your family in Christ. In your father, you have the most amazing guide and example of what it means to be the Christian leader in your household. Always keep God first and the rest will fall into place every time.
Felicity:
-Know your value. You are a beautiful girl, and as you age, you are only going to get more beautiful. The boys are going to chase you, and tell you everything you want to hear. They're going to be good at it. Don't settle for the first guy that winks at you. You're worth more than that.
-Respect your body. We are living in a world where women, no, girls, are having sex at a frighteningly young age. I will never tell you NOT do it, because I was a young girl too, and I know what forbidding does to a person. What I will tell you is this: Your body is the most precious and sacred thing you have to give. When you are ready to give it to someone else, make sure that someone is worthy of the honor. Make him earn it. Any girl can hike her skirt up in the backseat of a car. Be the kind of girl that makes him prove he's better. Those are the kinds of girls they bring home to mommas like me.
-If he hits you, he does NOT love you. I don't care what he says, I don't care what anyone else says. Men who love their women don't-no-can't hurt them. If by some chance I'm wrong, and he really DOES love you, it won't matter because if he hits you, your daddy is going to kill him.
-Be goal oriented and career driven. Wanting to be a wife and have children is a wonderful goal, and is something I wish for you more than you could ever know. But before you do those things, think about what you want out of YOUR life. Do you want to go to college? Do you want to serve your country? What do you want to be when you grow up? Starting a family and a life will be so much easier if you've figured out how to support and maintain that lifestyle.
-Find a man who is willing and able to take care of you. I want you to do so much better than I did. I want you to have your own job, your own career, your own path, and I want you to have the means to make it on your own if you had to. And then--I want for you the thing I did RIGHT. Find a man that would rather you didn't work. Find the man that is willing to work as hard as he has to so that you don't have to struggle. And when you find that man, work alongside him, and together create a successful, flourishing family.
-You're not going to marry the first guy you fall in love with. There are going to be so many heartbreaks...I can't even begin to explain. When you really like a guy, and there will be a bunch, try to remember that it's temporary. When that doesn't work-and it won't, always have your best friend, your momma, ice cream, and a sad movie. Your momma will cry with you, your best friend will threaten him, and we will all eat ice cream and watch movies. These things are essential.
-Your dad is going to be overprotective and worry about you too much. I will probably do the same. This world is a scary place, full of scary people. Not all of them are bad, in fact, most of them aren't. But remember, it only takes one bad one to change your life forever. Be street smart, keep your wits about you, and remember that there is NOTHING more important than your safety.
-Marry a guy who honors and respects his mother. If he talks negatively about her, he's the wrong guy for you. Marry a guy who always puts God first. Above everyone, including you. Marry the guy who never gives you a reason to doubt him. If you take nothing else from my words of wisdom to you today, take this: If you are dating a man, and there are warning signs and red lights blinking all around you-he's the wrong guy. Those red blinking lights and warning signs will only get brighter and faster until a warning becomes a reality. Your intuition is your most valuable asset. Use it.
-NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER be "the other woman" . God will never lead you to someone else's husband or boyfriend. If he's the one, make him prove it. If God's plan is truly for you to have him, then he will-at some point be un-involved and then you can pursue him. If he will cheat with you, it's highly unlikely he'd not cheat on you.
And, for all of you-
Remember that if things get tough, and you don't feel like you can figure it out on your own, you have an amazing line of support behind you. Our family is enormous, and so full of love. Your family-the one you have standing beside you today, and the one you will eventually create are everything. Right under God, your family is #1. They will always be there for you, always have your back, always take care of you. Even when they don't want to, even when they can't, even when they don't agree with you. Be open minded and optimistic. Family can come in the most unlikely of places and mean more than you could ever dream of. Open your eyes, ears, and heart to all experiences and live your life to the very fullest. No one else can do that for you. There will come a day when I won't be there to hold you hand. When that day comes, remember everything I've taught you, everything I wanted for you, and...if nothing else, the way I loved you. The way I always loved you. And boy, did I. You are all going to grow up to be such amazing, successful, kind-hearted people, and its going to be a hell of a journey. Remember how you got there, and be ever humbled.
