Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and there is much to be thankful for. In the recent years, we have completely skipped from Halloween to Christmas, and because of this, Santa and his reindeer adorn the houses around the neighborhood, and  Christmas trees, lights, and displays consume our department stores. Thanksgiving is little now besides the day before Black Friday. A day where football plays on TV, the Macy’s day parade is filled with floats, and you get to fatten up on Turkey and all the fixin’s. Thanksgiving used to be a legitimate holiday. Is used to be about being thankful for what you have. Celebrating your blessings and surrounding yourself with family. It’s not longer about those things, it’s hardly there at all. I think back to Thanksgiving last year, and it saddens me a bit. Holidays this year are going to be a little bittersweet. While I know that I have much to be thankful for, my holidays are sadly lacking in one very serious department…and it occurs to me that I didn’t even really realize it until yesterday. At Toys R Us yesterday, I was really in the Christmas spirit. Busily looking through shelves of toys, trying to decide what the perfect presents for my boys would be. “Oh the troll would like this” and “hey, the imp would freak over that” were sounds heard quite frequently from me. I made a decision early on in the holiday planning that I wasn’t going to go hog wild on toys this year. I mean, I have an ENTIRE play room that’s dedicated to their toys. Believe me when I tell you that 95% of the time, you can’t even walk in there. It’s definitely time to get rid of the old toys that just litter the floor, and never get played with. Truth be told though, I’m one of those moms who never gets rid of anything. LOL. I say that it’s because they might want to play with it, but let’s be honest, it’s really because I’m a pack rat, and to me, things have sentimental value. THINGS remind me of a time. And a big part of me often feels if I get rid of those things, I’ll forget….but, I digress. Back to my point! As I walked through the aisles and aisles of toys, I realized quickly that only picking a few toys for them was going to be no easy task! How would I decide who wanted what more, and more importantly, how do I keep them from fighting over everything? So we documented our choices and then moved on. And that’s when it happened. Yes, it. Walking from the toys into the clothes, I saw a little outfit…about 12 months: “My First Christmas”. And it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, with a sharp end designed specifically for my heart.  My First Christmas.  Holy Hell, it would have been, right? I was quickly drug from my happy, excited, shopping mood into this other thing. Drowning with grief, looking at dresses that she’d never wear, shoes that would never be hers. Passed by the girls toys that I’d never be buying for her, and it occurred to me that this was about to become VERY real. And was I ready for that? See, all this time, I’d been quietly dreading her first birthday. I’ve yet to decide how to mark the occasion, but it’s something that’s always on my brain…it never came to mind that BEFORE I had to mark THAT occasion, I had to survive 3 others. I had to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years…all holidays that she should be here with us to celebrate. I won’t lie, it’s a little daunting. I’m not sure how to feel about it, and although I know it’s going to hurt, I’m preparing myself to be strong. Not because I can’t cry, or grieve her, but because while she’s missing, it’s still a happy and beautiful occasion for the two boys I DO have, the two that eagerly look forward to Santa and family dinners. And for them, it’s still has to be amazing.
In an effort to make sure she was incorporated in our holiday season though, we picked out a Christmas ornament for her. It’s so amazingly, perfectly her, and I’m excited to add it to the tree when we finally do put it up. There are plenty of quiet and careful ways to remember her, to not take anything away from my boys, yet never forget my girl. Thanksgiving day, we will sit out on our porch, and just like we always do, and blow bubbles to heaven. We’ll light her candle through dinner, and make sure she knows she’s there, and that she’s loved. It saddens me to know that she’s not there in body, but I have no doubt that she’s always here in spirit, and regardless what anyone else thinks or feels, I will always include her, I will always love her, and I will always say her name. I guess the reality is, that there will always be something that is going to be a reminder of what she isn’t here to do. All we can really do is think of her fondly, and remember that for everything she can’t do, my boys are doing 2 new things. And that’s pretty special.

So ya know, the holidays this year are definitely going to be different, but I’m not sure that has to be a bad thing. It will be both a happy, celebratory experience, and a time to take pause, think of those we’ve lost, and be thankful for those we have. Perhaps losing Bells has taught me a little more about holding dear what I do have. I just have to remember to smile and tell myself “I don't need an angel on my Christmas tree. There is one in heaven looking down on me.”  And from this christmas on, never will an angel adorn the top of my tree, the one I have looking down on me is so much more beautiful.

To Be...Mommy

Things lately have been pretty hectic....to say the least. I have been working all day, going to school at night, and by the time i get home, most nights, all i really wanna do is sit in front of the TV, and indulge in a Criminal Minds marathon, after a LONG, hot bath and a ice cold soda! Most nights I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, and up into my lap climbs a little boy. In his hand, he carries a coloring book and two crayons. Just two. He looks up at me with the most gorgeous brown eyes that i've ever seen and says to me "cower mom". I stop for a second, and weigh my options. On one time, what i wanted to say was "mommy is so tired honey, we'll do it tomorrow"...but then i thought to myself 'what are the odd that tomorrow, i'm not going to be just as tired?" And i looked at him, for a long moment and smiled. Because i realized that this...is what they live for. The time spent with the ones they love. Because right now...that's all they have. So i take the book, climb onto the floor, and we color. After coloring, its time for baths, and jammies, and bed...things that i once took for granted getting to do with them, that i now wish i could do more often. Perhaps i'll have to work on that. Its just so hard finding time when there isnt any...but that's what they need. Even if it's just a little.

This brings me to my next thought. Being a parent...is sometimes pretty damn hard. It starts from the minute you take that test (or hear that your significant other has). I'm Pregnant. Two simple words, which can change your life forever. I believe that each child is a blessing, and happens for a reason. I believe in hope, in miracles, and in faith. I know though, that it can be overwhelming at times, and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Raising children is HARD. It is. They have to be fed, and clothed and housed, and warm. They want toys, and books and games, and they want those things MOST when you just can't afford them. But I find that when it comes to children, you will always find a way. No matter how hard it is, you always make it happen. Because you have to. Because that little life, relies on you. After nine (well, ten really) months of baby baking (which is ALSO hard work!), you come to the moment of truth-giving birth! One of the most difficult yet rewarding experiences there is. Period. Dot. Decimal. Its an experience all its own, that's for sure. The first time you see that timy little face, those little hands, those tiny feet, and realize that this person BELONGS to you....you are forever changed. You look into their little face and realize that you have NEVER loved like this before, and begin to question IF, in fact, you ever really knew what love was. And then you realize that none of that matters, because this is Real.  This is unconditional, and its never going to go away. What could really be better than that? When the troll came into the world, he was greeted by a host of friends and family! And i remember the first time i saw him...he looked like a little gremlin, but damnit, he was MY little gremlin. I had grown him, and nurished him, and loved him, and his little face brought me to tears. Yes, this was MINE, finally someone who would not let me down. My little imp, alternatively made his debut privately...with just me and my mom in the room. He was very early, and very quiet. And i remember thinking the same about him. No one in the world is every going to love me like they do. And no one has yet.

I remember not too long after i had the Imp, and in the times while i was pregnant with him, wondering to myself what my life would be like if i didnt have kids. When the bills got to be more than i could handle, and there just wasnt enough food to feed everyone...i'd get down. And i'd go to that place. The place where life was "simple" and there was just me to take care of. But after that ultrasound where i SAW his heart beating, i saw him moving, and i heard them say "its a boy!", any time i thought about my life without them in it, it didnt feel right. No, instead, it felt decidedly lacking! I mean sure, i'd have more money, i'd have food in the house...i could afford to get my nails and hair done, and be high maintenance...but i'd missing out on THEM. And how could that ever be right? How could any life that doesnt involve them be okay? Its funny the way these things work, because i never realized how completely they would own me, until they did. Those moments when you're covered in throwup, from a particularly long night, running on zero sleep, and trying to get that damn fever down are the times when you feel the most INTENSE love. Its those kisses on a feverish forehead, wiping salty tears away from very upset faces, and soothing a tummy ache by rubbing little bellies. Its running around playing "tag" at the park, birthday parties at chuck e cheese, the first time they learn to swing, slide down the slide, and climb the ladder. Its football in front of the house...and watching them squeal with excitement when they catch it. They're feelings and emotions that you just can't get anywhere else...they're special. And so worth all the trials and tribulations that may accompany them.

If you are fortunate, after that long nine months, you get to take that beautiful baby home...and experience those things. Sometimes though, you dont. And believe me when i say that getting over the death of a child is just something you dont do. And burying that child, going home without her...is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Celebrating a life that was never truly lived is unparalleled. Every day, i look at my wall, full of memories of my Bella girl, and i feel cheated. Angry. Hurt. Why did GOd bless me with this gift, if only to take it from me...it always seems so unfair. And then i feel guilt. Why didnt i try harder, why didnt i fight harder? Why didnt i MAKE them keep a closer eye on her, on me? Why didnt i MAKE them admit me...to take care of her? Why did i hang my head, and give up so easily on something that i wanted to so badly? That guilt follows me everywhere i go...and i long to join her again...so i can be relieved of it. There are times, caught up in the grief, that i think i'll never recover...because i miss her just that much. She was something i'd always wanted, and hoped for....and i lost her. And i can't help but think that there was something i could have done differently. Its hard to walk away from that. But at some point...amidst all the guilt, i look at my two boys, and i remember hope. I see them and i tell myself that with everything else in life that is hard, loving them is ALWAYS easy.

And this, i guess...is what it means to be a parent.

Hope

I follow this blog, fairly religiously. Everyday i read her posts (well, when they come everyday), i follow her story, her loss, her hurt, her faith, her newest pregnancy, and her faith. As many of you know, I didn't take the loss of my daughter very well. The troll and the Imp are my life, and i love them, with every fiber of my being, no denying that...but through both of their pregnancies, i prayed for a girl. A beautiful little girl, with dark hair and dark eyes, a mischievous smile, and bouncing pigtails. I finally had that little girl i had been dreaming of. I heard her heartbeat and saw her ultrasounds, and i watched her grow. I had pictures, and i had video, and my heart was full to nearly exploding. Never has a mother ever felt as much love as i felt that day the Dr told me i was having a "hamburger" rather than a "hotdog". Both of my pregnancies were pretty typical, i had no reason to believe this one would be any different, and then...suddenly, at 23 weeks, i lost my sweet baby girl, to placenta previa (an abruption), and instead of dressing her up, and playing with her hair, i buried her.

And That's Real.

But not too long after losing Bella, i found this blogspot. And i read this story. And reading those words made me cry. I snuggled with my blanket, pulled all the way up to my chin, and i cried. I cried for her, for her husband, for myself...for my loss. I read that blog nearly non-stop until i was caught up. I read the eulogy, i saw the pictures...and i felt like i knew this sweet baby boy, this fighter. As the days went on, i learned more and more about the mama that was writing this blog. And I learned more and more about her newest pregnancy. We followed closely, praying for positive ultrasounds, and anxiously anticipating finding out if her angel baby was going to have a brother or a sister. What came from stumbling upon this blog...was that now...i had something to look forward to, something to hope for. Her blogs are raw, and intense, and emotional. Her pictures (while amazing) are rough around the edges, and they're real. They depict things that people don't want to think about (tiny coffin, for instance?), but they tell a story. A story of hope, of faith, of trying again.

And That's Necessary.

What this blog taught me was that it's ok to move on. It doesn't mean that i dont miss her everyday. It doesnt mean that she's not just as big a part of my life and my family as she ever was. It doesnt mean that i've forgotten her...it just means that now...i can use her as an instrument in my life...a way to watch her brothers, a way to watch me. It taught me that its ok to say her name. It's okay to scream her name from the rooftops.

ISABELLA!

She was REAL. She was MY daughter, and my world. And i loved her. Regardless whether i ever met her or not. This mama taught me the importance of making room for all of my children, of trying again...to maybe have another child, and of learning How to Love Them Both. And, in my mind, at least. This is a pretty big deal. This blog, this mama, this love...taught me about hope. It took me out of that dark place i was in, that hole, and it taught me how to be whole again. How to be a mother again to my boys.. How to not be completely consumed by the hurt and the grief...how to celebrate that fact that her life even WAS rather than grieve that it's not anymore. I'm not sure she'll ever really know how she touched my life. I'm not sure she'll ever realize how MANY lives she likely touches each day...but she changed mine. And...at a time when i was pretty sure that God had finally given me something i COULDN'T overcome, she saved me.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Arrite, I'll admit it. I'm nervous. Really nervous. Its been several years since I've had a job. I'm not sure I'm even still GOOD at this stuff anymore. I'd like to think I am, that its like riding a bike, but its really hard to know for sure. Don't get me wrong though, I'm very excited about the idea of having a job. This is going to be something that is just mine. It doesn't involve D, or the boys, its just for me. Its mine to be either really good at or really bad at, but whatever I do, I'm taking it on alone....and that's a pretty big deal. In addition to that, I'm hoping it gets me out of this slump I'm in, and past the ho-hum, hum-drum of the day to day life I'm living now. It'll definitely be something that is going to take a toll, on me though. I'm just not used to being away from my boys anymore. They are all I have, the center of gravity in my life. I'm not sure how well i'll handle not seeing them so much. I'm not so sure how they're going to handle it either. In addition to going to work, I'll also still be tackling school full time. I know, it sounds like a lot to handle. I'm an Admin assistant from 0830-1600, and then from 1800-2200 I'm a student. From 2200-0730, I'm a mommy. And that's what my weeks will be like. The weekends will be full of squeezing in time with my babies...I'm not totally sure how it's going to work, I don't feel like I'm going to see them very much...i hope they still know how much i love and care about them, even though i'm not here all the time. The imp has a total meltdown when i have to leave for school, i hope he doesn't freak out about being left at daycare. I totally nailed the job interview though, which was awesome. I kind of feel sorry for the other lady, since they told me that they weren't even going to bother interviewing her, because i was so impressive. (I'm glad i got my interview FIRST! lol) Now my head is full of the future, trying to figure things out, and LOTS of shopping. Clothes to buy, and things to decorate my office. That's right....i have my own office. NOT a cubicle, or a space, i have an OFFICE. ahaha! I love that. Free to decorate however i want, and free to put pictures of my babies all over the place. i LOVE it. This is a pretty big step for me, with lots of opportunity. After 90 days, i'll get a pay raise, and full benefits, and that's pretty awesome. So--yea, i'm nervous. But i guess i just have to jump into this thing head first, and know that I can only be as good as i am. And that something about me has to have stood out if i got this job in the first place. I just have to remember that everything happens for a reason, and this is what's best for me and those boys...so i have to make it work. Failure is not an option. 


"Do or Do Not. There Is No Try."

Creepy Children

Tonight, I'm watching Chiller 13: Horrors Creepiest Kids. One thing you should know about me, is that i find children in horror movies to be terrifying. Seriously, they rock me to my core. If you really wanna get a rise out of me, and have me curled up, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, show me a movie with a creepy kid. Its been noted though, that the more the "creepy kid" thing is done, the less scary it becomes. So watching this show, I'm finding myself thinking: "these kids really aren't that scary." And then there's one. The same one who has been terrifying me for years, and no matter how old i get, or how old the movie becomes, it will always terrify me to my core. 
    The movie is "Pet Semetary". I'm not sure how many of you are horror buffs, or are familiar with this movie, but its STILL to this day, the scariest movie ever. At least in my book. In this movie, the father finds that the family cat has died, and takes to him to the place beyond the "pet semetary" where if he buries the cat, it will come back to life. It does, but it comes back psycho. Nutso kitty, and not good ju-ju. A little later into the movie, the little boy dies. Seriously hardest movie scene ever to watch. When his tiny little sneakers hit the pavement and bounce....ahhhh, melts my heart as a mother. So daddy....not being able to deal with his guilt says...ya know what i think i'll do, take my son to the same semetary that created demon cat, and bury him there. Thusly, terrifying psycho toddler is born. Gage is without a doubt THE MOST terrifying child on the planet. He doesnt even really have to try. He just stands there...with this look on his face that says "that's right. I'm going to kill you. But be careful, because i'm cute." Blehhhhh. 
     That though, isnt even the scariest part of the movie. The scariest part of the movie are the very few lines that this terrifying toddler speaks. "I played with Judd, and then i played with mommy, and now i wanna play with yoooooouuuuuuu." The hell you do! Its this tiny little voice, basically saying: "ive killed everyone else....and now its your turn." The thing about him being so small though, is that you cant find him! he can hide under the bed, behind the door, pretty much anywhere....and all you can really do is just stand there and wait for him to pop out....and it always scares the hell out of me. Even when i know he's about to do it. He ends up losing the battle, and daddy gets the better of him. Using some secret serum from his med-bag, he shoots little Gage in the neck, and saves everyone from imminent doom. We all celebrate! And then...he goes to find his wife, and guess what?! Takes her to the semetary too. Needless to say, no one lived through that event....and creepy little boy prevails. 
   Halloween is the time of year to over indulge in scary movies...when all the documentaries ABOUT scary movies come out, and its all a lot of fun. Tonight though, I'll be sleeping with one eye open, on MY toddlers....because you never really know when one of them is going to want to play. 

A Night To Remember

Today was a hard day for me. Most days like today are. I've been thinking about Bella a lot today,which is fitting because its just that kind of day. A lot of parents are quietly mourning the loss of their special angel babies. i didnt do the things we wanted to do to remember her. I wanted to release balloons and sit on the porch and talk to her. I wanted to tell her how much i miss her and remind her that she's still very much a part of everything i do. Instead, i went outside with the boys, and we blew bubbles to heaven. I asked everyone i love to also blow bubbles to heaven so she would know she was not forgotten. 


       What today DID do for me, more than anything, is make me think about the way i want to remember Bella on her birthday. I've been doing a lot of research about how to celebrate the birthday of a lost child. I've read about parents who have just visited the grave site and talked to their baby...and other parents threw a party. A celebration of family and friends, where they release balloons  and have cake, and its like a very real birthday party. Part of me thinks i want to do that. I want to have a remembrance celebration for her. i want to bake her a little cake, and release balloons, and take lots of pictures, because she was real, she was important, and her would be first birthday is pretty special. 


      I was trying to think of the best way to show her that we were all thinking of her today, and i also wanted to make it fun for the boys. So we made our own bubbles, which ended up being lots of fun. We made the bubbles green, which the Troll LOVED, although i wanted them to be pink (ya know, for a girl??) ahahah but of course i'm surrounded by too many little boys. We even went so far as to make our own bubble wands. We used pipe cleaners and made wands and then we went outside to blow bubbles to heaven. Everyone had a pretty good time, and I'm sure Bells felt close to us then. It was special to me that the Troll knew just what we were doing. It was an incredible moment. 

    I often think about how to keep her an active part of our lives, and then i tell myself, that i dont really have to try. The boys know her, they remember her, and they care for her. I am constantly loving and remembering her...so i think i do a pretty amazing job of keeping her part of our family without really putting an effort into it. And that, i think...is the most important thing. Her birthday will come around and we will do what feels right because that's the best thing we can do. This being a grieving parent thing is hard. Its hard to combine her with the life you have to continue living. But we do the best we can, and we have to know that somehow...it will all work out how its supposed to. <3

Well, here I am again. Sometimes blogging is a way to let out my frustrations, my feelings about life, my pain. Other times its just a way of talking about things that are going on in the world, things that are real. My blog today is about both. We are quickly approaching October 15th, which is, as most of you know, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Since I was 16 years old, this is a day that I have followed, celebrated, and acknowledged. Last year though, when my daughter was born...and i saw her, very much a person, with Jesus, and i could not take her home, the reality of what this day means hit home in a very serious way. There are a billion things i do in my everyday life to honor her, and to make sure she knows that she's such a huge part of my life, and who i am...but at some point, i have to figure out how to separate her, yet keep her close. How to acknowledge her life, yet live my own. That particular battle has been really hard for me...because...how do you suffer a loss so great and then just move on from it? How do you want something so bad, and have it ripped from your grasp....just as you get to meet it...and then just bounce back?

You Don't. 


But they don't really tell you that, do they? They tell you to move on, they tell you to "try again" as though a new child or new pregnancy will replace the child you lost. But it doesn't. You still long for the kicks that only she could make, and the comfort and peacefulness that came from knowing you were falling asleep with her safe inside your tummy. The grief, life without her in it- becomes the "norm" for your life. After the death of your child, you become forever changed. Its hard to even remember what your life was life before she was in it, before she died. I guess the real trick is to learn how to make it work without her. To embrace what she was, what she brought to my life, yet move on, and start our lives over again. Start to live, start to hope again, and start to love....i have to think that at the end of the day, that's what she would have wanted.