Bella, Baby G, Owen, and Hope.

Pregnancy Week 22. I've been waiting for this week, this post for awhile now. A lot of thoughts, and emotions have been poured into it, I've been working on it...in pieces for weeks now. Week 22 is bittersweet for me, it's hard. Here's the thing about losing a child. Once it happens, the "what if's" never really go away. So...here we are, smack dab in the middle of a (for the most part) healthy pregnancy, with a baby boy who, every single week proves to me how strong, determined, and permanent he is. And yet....so did she. All throughout our pregnancy with Bella, it never occurred to me that something could go wrong...until it did. And now, it's hard for me to imagine that a pregnancy CAN go ok, that things WILL be fine, and that we WILL hold our son...crying screaming and BREATHING.
         I saw the doctor yesterday, and they used the doppler to listen to his little heartbeat. Believe me when i tell you that his heartbeat is a sound I will NEVER get tired of listening to. There were a LOT of things about this appointment that were hard for me. Firstly, we're rapidly entering the point of the pregnancy where things went badly for my only daughter. Secondly, we've officially crossed into the difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth which means, that's right, our little Owen is a person. (Not that we didn't always see him that way, just as far as legalities go.) Thirdly, they took me into the same little room they had me in right AFTER they told me that Baby G was gone. This little room, to me, signifies all things bad in pregnancy. Don't put me in that room anymore. Don't remind me of all the bad...I'm reminded of that everyday. Remind me of the good. Of the positive. Of what WILL be, of what SHOULD be...not of what wasn't, and what can never be.  
        So this week, will be a challenge for me. It will be full of trying to be optimistic, trying to focus on the good things. All the while, I'll be counting every kick, freaking over every ache and pain, tripping over anything out of the ordinary, and generally getting myself all worked up for what is likely NOTHING. Here are the facts. There's literally a .4 percent chance that the same thing that happened to Bella would happen to Owen. This chance is lessened dramatically by the fact that there is no exidence of placenta previa with this pregnancy. In fact, my placenta is as far away from my cervix as it's possible to be at this point in the pregnancy. That's GREAT news...and it means that what happened to Bella pretty much CAN'T happen again. And yet here I am....a week and a half from that point...around nearly the same time in the year that we got the news about Bella's and my condition. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. Every appointment has me on edge, waiting for the bad news...waiting for the shoe to drop....and then breathing the sigh of relief when, this week, we found his heartbeat, it's strong, he's still kicking, and i DON'T have to say goodbye to him. Yet. 
        Is it possible that God has decided we're ready for him? That Daniel may finally be blessed with the child he's always wanted, and that I may have done enough suffering...that my losses have been enough? Is it possible that this is really happening? That we'll get to hold him and touch him, and kiss him? That we'll watch him grow?  That years from now, I'll be watching him graduate preschool and start kindergarten? Is that really in the cards for us? Is Owen to be our rainbow baby? You can see I have a busy, busy brain. 
         So this week, I ask for prayers. I ask for love, support and understanding as I worry, fret, and freak needlessly. I ask you to understand, although I know many of you truly can't. I ask you to know that I don't try to be a downer, i don't TRY to look for the negatives...I just pray. Everyday I'm grateful for everything that Owen is, and everything I'm SURE he'll be...as soon as I get past everything that isn't, wasn't, and can't be. If you understand, tell me that, share your story, sympathize with me. If you don't understand, but you want to...ask. Nothing helps more than talking about her...about him, about it all. 
           Today, Tomorrow, And Yesterday.....we choose Hope. We remember. We keep moving forward, bringing the past with us, rather than living in it. We choose faith. We love, we lose, and we learn to live again. Every single day.     

Day 31: Sunset

Day Thirty-One: Sunset

Every morning, the sun comes up. Every night...it goes down. It brings a new day, and it ends that day. There are hard times, there are easy times....it's an adventure, it's life. The sunset reminds us that although we have struggled and dealt with trials, tribulations and pain...tomorrow is a new day. A chance to erase and start over. We are made stronger, and hopefully better by what they day has brought us, yet we have the chance to start each day again. It's a clean slate. In this picture, The clouds come together like chalk on a used chalk board. Erasing the problems, statistics, and issues of the day and readying tomorrow for what is new. As a grieving parent, that's all we have. All we can do. End each day, and begin a new one. So here's to that.

 

Day 30: Your Grief: Tell The World

Day Thirty: Your Grief: Tell The World

I'm going to let this picture speak for itself. These are both of my angel babies. Two reminders of why the world isn't perfect...and two reminders of why it's still beautiful. You can see, easily, the hurt...the feeling, the emotion. I don't need to explain it. I share my grief with all of you, regularly. Everyday. I don't hide it, I never will. It's how we raise awareness, how we share with others. How i keep them alive. It hurts, it's raw, but it's what is. No matter how hard that is.

 

Day 29: Music

Day Twenty-Nine: Music

This song still chokes me up....and takes me right back to that day. Makes me think of her...of holding her, of everything i didn't get to do. It brings tears to my eyes, and a pain in my heart...yet...it makes me remember. And you'll catch me listening to it often. If you do, You'll know she's on my mind....and that maybe you should hold me. A hand on my shoulder, a hug. If you hear me playing this song, I'm a mother missing her daughter....empty arms longing for something to hold. Be that something.

Day 28: Memory

Day Twenty-Eight: Memory

I posted this picture for one of the earlier days this month, but it's the memory of her that follows me everywhere. Anytime i see or smell strawberries, i think of her. Anytime i have cream cheese for anything, i think of her. I always think of her, and this particular thing....always owns me. Always takes me back. 

Day 27: Artwork

Day Twenty-Seven: Artwork

This is probably the closest to artwork I'm going to get. I built her shadow box from scratch, picked the outfit and then added the flowers, butterflies and other embellishments. It was a labor of love, and I'm still proud of it.

Day 26:Their Age

Day Twenty-Six: Their Age

This month, on the 13th, my baby girl will be 22 months old. It's almost her second birthday and I can't believe it. It seems so unreal to me that it's already been almost 2 years since we lost her, and it still feels like it was just yesterday. It's funny because since losing her, I've connected with women who lost their children 5, 10, 20 years ago...and the pain is still just as raw. It makes me wonder if it will ever truly get any better. I have to think not. You just learn to cope...you have to.

 

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing

Day Twenty-Five: Baby Shower/Blessing

We didn't get to have a baby shower for Bella...as she passed away before it's traditional to have one. We didn't have her blessed, which i absolutely regret...but as i mentioned before....we were uninformed. This memorial is how we honored her. It's all we have. It's all we'll ever have. It's not enough, but it'll have to do.

 

Day 23: Her Name/Her Picture

Day Twenty-Three: Her Name/Her Picture

How fitting that this post would come on my birthday. Obviously, it didn't get done on my birthday, however, i find it magical that THIS was the post meant for my birthday. There's nothing to say about these pictures, they absolutely speak for themselves. My daughter. The beautiful, perfect, amazing individual that she was, that she continues to be. Gracing the heavens with her presence, waiting to meet me again.

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

Day Twenty Two: Place of Care/Birth

This is the hospital where it happened. The care was fine. The staff was...adequate. There's not much to say about this place. Not much that I remember, not much that I care to. Knowing what I know now..I wish i'd done more. I wish I'd said more...I wish I'd spoken up. Those are just wishes now.

Day 21: Altar/Sacred Space

Day Twenty-One: Altar/Sacred Space

This is the closest I imagine I'll get to an "altar" or "sacred space". It's my spot for her. There's really nothing else I can say about this photo...or this place that hasn't already been said...so we'll leave it as it lie.

 

Day 20: Charity/Organization

Day Twenty: Charity/Organization

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. The organization that I can easily say has had the biggest impact on my life since I lost my baby girl. When we had Bella, we took literally NO pictures of her. We were conflicted about doing it tastefully, afraid of the way we would remember her if we had them. We were very....uneducated...for lack of a better word, about the services and charities that were out there for parents experiencing this type of loss. It wasn't until AFTER her death, after we'd made funeral arrangements, and begun to try to move on that we found out about this---this service that could have been ours if only we'd known about it. Beautiful, amazing, tasteful pictures of our daughter...and opportunity that we will, unfortunately NEVER get back. Since then, and after the opening of our bakery, we actively raise awareness about this service, this organization that provides FREE infant remembrance photography to parents just like us. We tell people about it who might not know, and we donate to it, from our bakery...in an effort to allow them to help MORE people who might need it. People just like us. There's only so much one person can do, but as NILMDTS says, constantly, "There is no foot too small that it can not leave an imprint on this world." And that's true. We may not change the world, but if we're lucky, we'll change it for someone.

 

Day 19: A Project

Day Nineteen: A Project

This is my best interpretation of a project I've done regarding my daughter. Suffice it to say that it's easier to avoid such things. There are lots of ways I remember her, lots of things I do. My first endeavor was to open my bakery, Bells Custom Cakes. I've been doing that off and on since April of 2011, just after she died, and I love what it is. As with any new thing, I'd love for it to become more, but I'm comfortable with where we're at. I did something for my life that I KNOW she would have wanted for me, and now I get to do it in such a way that I know I'll always love what I do...rather than in such a way that it becomes a job, something that I resent. This project is much more personal, as it has forced me to think about her, what she meant, what she continues to mean, and how very much she affected me. In the interest of full disclosure...it's much harder than I expected it to be.