One month

Can it already be that time again? Am I really sitting here staring at her tiny stocking thinking again that she should be here? Imagining her soft skin, her tiny curls, little bows in her hair...and that little Christmas dress. That beautiful baby girl whose laughter should be ringing in my ears this holiday season....but it's not. And it won't be. Ever. Remembering that sucks. As if that wasn't crappy enough all on its own, December means that next month is her birthday, and my darling, angel baby girl will be 2 years old. Its hard to believe that its been that long when many days I find myself still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's actually gone. I've been putting a lot of thought this year into how I want to celebrate my little girl's birthday and I keep coming up short. The only thing that really stands out in my mind is that I want her to have somewhere. Ever since I did a little research, I realized I could have had her buried...and a gravestone is something I so badly want for her. I want somewhere to go when missing her gets to be just a little too overwhelming. I want somewhere I can run to when I need her too badly. I want somewhere beautiful where I can take her flowers, and decorate on holidays, and bring her cupcakes on her birthday. I want her to have something more than balloons and a memory. I need that. I've had her on my mind nearly non stop this month...there's just so much to miss.
Little Owen kicking and moving in my belly is bittersweet. It makes me so happy and so grateful that he's here and that he's OK...on the other hand, his kicks remind me of the way she used to kick me, the way she used to play with her daddy...the feeling I used to have just knowing she was there. Sometimes I find it hard to separate the two. I wonder if that's a normal thing. Since I lost Bella, a few of my friends have joined me in our silent ranks, in the pain that only a grieving mother or father can know. It feels different to now have people who I can really share this experience with. People who can really say "yea I get that." And they're close to me...and they are not just words....they really do get it. And so we talk, and we remember...and we know that everyday is a battle but we fight it. Its nice to no longer be fighting alone.
Christmas is a hard time of year for me. It reminds me of all I don't have...and all I can't have. But it also reminds me of all my blessings. Family, my beautiful children, my husband...all those things that make it worth it when I have to get out of bed each morning and face a world that doesn't have her in it. Yes, there's much to rejoice in this year, and every year after. She's not with us in body, but we have an ever present, very real angel to adorn the top of our tree...and that's pretty special.