Something...

I blog a lot about Bella. I know I do this: I started this blog because of her. An outlet for my feelings, a way to talk about something that people don’t like to talk about that. I know it do it, and I can own it. Sometimes other topics really get me stirred up, and I feel moved to talk about them. Today, I’m going to write about a combination of the two…in something that has changed my heart. It’s been both healing, and absolutely destroying. It’s interesting how they can co-exist. The other night…after waiting for months, I watched the movie that the Stillbirth community has been very (im)patiently waiting for. Return to Zero stars Minnie Driver, who to be honest, I usually don’t really care for. Her movies are always just “so-so” to me, and I don’t follow them. I’m not sure if this movie is different because she acted in such a way that I actually believed her, or if it’s because the topic of the movie was so close to my heart. The scene is simple, really. A woman, who is very pregnant, finds out she is expecting a baby  boy. She and her husband are very excited for his arrival, and so in love with him. At 38 weeks, when she should have been waiting for him to make his debut, pains send her to the doctor where her worst fears are confirmed. There is no heartbeat. This is first heart-wrenching moment of the movie. She pleads with the doctor, begging him to check again….begging him to find the heartbeat that wasn’t there. I can relate to that. Oh boy. The rest of the movie follows her struggle with grief, with coping, with social situations, and eventually with being pregnant again. I can relate to those feelings too. At one particular part of the movie, a woman is talking to her about God. This woman is going on and on about everything happening for a reason, and “God’s Plan”. This part of the movie hit me so hard that I actually was crying and laughing at the same time. I remember giving up on God after the loss of Bella. I remember crawling into a hole and refusing to come out of it. I remember being down as far as I could get and not WANTING to come out, not wanting to be saved. I remember that hurt. At one point in the movie, the main character said something that had run through my head so many times it was actually kind of scary. I can’t remember or find the exact quote, but this is the best summary I can give you. She looked into this woman’s eyes and asked her how it was in God’s plan to have her suffer a loss so great that it caused her to lose her faith in God. Wow. I was so floored. Wait a minute, you mean other people are feeling this too? This happened to someone besides me? I couldn’t believe it. Once I got over the shock of what I heard, and the laughter died down, I began to cry. How had I been so blind? How had I been so stupid? How had I allowed myself to walk away from Jesus, when I needed his arms to hold me the most? Why didn’t I realize then what I know now? God’s plan for Daniel and I was to have Owen…something that never would have been if we’d had Bella. God gives us the tools we need to endure the suffering. Why didn’t I realize then that he was holding me? Why didn’t I realize that I survived because she did not? There are so very many things I would do differently if I could go back in time and change things. I tell myself often that I would bring her back, I would save her…but the honest to God’s truth is that I wouldn’t. Nothing I could do or could have done would save her life…if she hadn’t died that way, she would have died another. I can own that now. This movie was healing for that purpose. Towards the end of the movie, we watch her give birth to her baby boy. We watch her push…and push and push…and he won’t come out….he’s not helping her. We watch her break down, plead with him…tell him that it’s ok…that she loves him…that he can let go….we watch her agonize, and then I agonize with her. I remember this. This is familiar to me. I remember pushing out a baby who I knew wouldn’t respond to me. I remember that. And then…there he is. He’s small and purple and quiet. He doesn’t cry…and she doesn’t expect him to….and we watch. We watch her go through the motions…she’s there but not really. I remember that too. I wish I had the pictures, I wish I had the memories depicted in this movie but I don’t…I hate that. Those are the things I’d do again. Those are the decisions I’d make for us and not for the time and comfort of others. And so, I walk away from this movie changed. How often does a movie truly change your life? I walk away from this movie knowing that I really am not alone. Every line of dialogue was something I had said…something I had thought. Much of it was things Daniel had said to me. I proudly say that my relationship with Daniel emerged stronger rather than weaker for having lost her…neither of us cheated or hated the other….we came together and we grieved together. I’m proud of us for that. We are 1.5 years into our rainbow baby, and 3 years into our grief process and we are still, at times, learning exactly how to do it all. We learn what kind of parents we want to be, we learn what kind of bereaved parents we need to be. We do it together. But now we know that we aren’t alone. It’s not just us. We are the 1 in 4, but we aren’t the only ones. There are 1 in 4’s everywhere…learning to live again…and understanding that that’s okay. If you’ve lost a baby or even if you haven’t….you NEED to watch this movie. It’s beautiful, it’s moving, it’s amazing. I’ll be watching again SOON.