Wait.....what?
So...by now, all of you know that D and I are expecting again. Whoa. Yea, I pretty much would have rather been disemboweled than pondered the idea of having a 4th (5th) child. It seems as I get older, I lose the patience for the shenanigans that once were so easy to follow. People who say parenting is easier as you get older lied. I got the news and thought to myself that it was impossible, of course they had to be wrong. After all, I'd had my tubes tied, I'd been on birth control, and frankly, hadn't had the time or energy to be very sexually active anyways. God had other plans. After putting it off for weeks, I finally made the trip to the ER to find out what was going on....and SURPRISE! There's a BABY in there. Yikes. 14 weeks of tiny, growing fetus. I told D when I got home from the hospital that night, and watched as his jaw hit the floor. I could definitely relate to that feeling. Both of us were feeling...overwhelmed. (Honestly, we kind of still are.) One day and a visit to my primary OB later, we decided to embrace the plans that God has for us, and the first step in THAT difficult direction was telling our family. We chuckled about it a little, because no one was going to expect to hear I was pregnant after my tubal. Boy. The support was overwhelming. Instead of the frustration, harsh words, and anger we were expecting, we got love. I could go on and on and not cover how much it meant to us to NOT have to endure lecture after lecture. After all, no one was as shocked and frustrated as we were. We kept chugging along, making sure everyone from the family knew, and then before we knew it, it was time for our gender reveal. The best part of finding out you're pregnant at 14 weeks is that you only have to wait 2 weeks to find out what you're having! So, we headed out to the doctor, prepared to hear the news that we would be adding a 4th boy to our already competent soccer team. God had other plans though, and we both sighed and I cried when the ultrasound technician said... "It's a girl!" We excitedly told the rest of the family that we were expecting the girl we'd been hoping for. The rest...as they say-is history.
Today, I am 23 weeks pregnant. Which means, what? I'm halfway through this thing, with just 16 weeks left to go. This pregnancy has been so complicated. It's been extremely high risk since day one. I've basically been on bed rest since I found out I was pregnant. Honestly though, that's the part that's easy. The part that's hard is emotional. Each time there's a pain that's a little more extreme than the rest, my mind goes to that dark place. Any time I go the day without feeling her move, I automatically begin to mentally prepare myself for the worst. It's funny how loss changes you in that way. I remember being grateful for the times when Logan wasn't kicking because I could sleep. With Owen, I panicked when he didn't move around. With this one, it's a calm sort of resolve. I don't freak out and rush to the hospital---I just begin to prepare myself for the bad news. The thing I "know" is coming. Then she kicks me hard in the belly, and I cry. Being jaded is hard. The end of this week will see me officially out of the "danger zone". Since my latest loss happened at 23 weeks, we are to be on hyper vigilant alert mode until the end of this week. After that, it's business as usual until she decides to make her appearance. She has overcome so many odds to still be kicking, with her little heart beating so strong...i have a feeling that she knows she is for this world. She is supposed to teach D and I something, she's supposed to be here. She's supposed to touch the lives of everyone in some way. It's easier to keep from freaking out when I think of her in this way. God has a purpose for her, that much is clear. I am so looking forward to watching her grow and discovering what that purpose actually is. Until then....I'll probably be a little overly worried, a little hysterical, and a little bit of an alarmist. When you've lost and hurt as i have, no pain is insignificant, and everything is worth worrying about until it isn't anymore. There's so much to love about this pregnancy and what it means though, that I'll have to be hysterical while remembering to enjoy every single minute. <3
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