When I was growing up, I knew that someday I'd be a mom. I knew there were other things I wanted to be, of course I had ambitions, but above all else, I wanted to hear a tiny, little voice call me mommy. When I was 19 years old, and enlisted in the Air Force, that dream became a reality. I knew full well that I wasn't ready to be a mom, and I had NO idea how I was going to pull it off, but when that pregnancy test read positive, I never once considered not having it, and to this day, if I could do it all over again...I absolutely would. 9 months later, I gave birth to the most perfect little boy. He was absolutely beautiful and he changed the way I thought about everything. There's this quote that says "I never knew how much love my heart could hold until I was a mom." Truer words have never been spoken. It sounds cliche, but you just don't know until you're holding a life that you created. It's amazing. Each day passed and saw my little guy growing up and learning more. He's always been exceptionally smart for his age. Sometimes-he even busts out with something that I don't know. It's astounding. He was talking incredibly early, and it took the rest of his body a little bit longer to catch up with his intellect. Once he finally did start walking though, he was all over the place, and more like a 3 year old than the 1 year old he actually was. I knew he was destined for great things. Truthfully, I still DO know that. As Jason gets older, he exhibits other traits just as strongly as his intelligence. He's strong willed, he's stubborn. He's articulate, and he's brave. He's pig-headed, he's kind, he's thoughtful, he's loving, and he's generous. These are all qualities that I LOVE about him. They are qualities that are going to take him SO far in the long life that he has ahead of him. They are things that are going to make him an amazing father someday. They are going to drive his career so that he's successful. They are going to make him successful in everything he does. For all of those things, Jason is also high strung. He's anxious, and he's frustrated. He's energetic, and impulsive. He's intelligent and confused. These are the things that are not so easy to deal with most days. It's hard as a parent to know if you're doing right by your child. I never wanted to be the kind of parent that threw him on some kind of medication and let him go. I never wanted to consider that I'd need to do that. Lately though, I watch as my sweet boy, the light of my world, continues to struggle. As smart and generous as he is, he's also incredibly defiant and disruptive. He brings notes home that frequently feature the words "impulsive" and the phrases "out of his control". These are the kinds of things that you can' t fix as a parent. There's no magic mommy wand that I can wave, nothing I can say to him that is going to change the way he's wired. So this is when we're faced with those difficult decisions, about putting the life, personality and feelings of my 7 year old little boy in the hands of western medicine. I know it's what he needs. I truly do. I know he needs to see a doctor, and deal with whatever is plaguing his little heart. He needs to deal with the anger that he feels, over whatever is causing it. He needs to deal with the things that cause him anxiety, and he needs an outlet for the energy. The question has never really been whether or not to have him treated, the question has ALWAYS been "To what extent?". You see, I know this little boy. I know him better than any other person in the entire world. I know him better than he knows himself. I have watched him grow from a tiny infant, just learning about the world into the amazing person he is today. I know what makes him tick, I know what he loves and what he hates. I know what stresses him out, what sets him panicking, and what calms his nerves. I KNOW him in a way that only a mother can. The struggle in my mind, today and everyday, is: what do we treat, and what is just Jason? He has quirks that he's had since he was old enough to display them. He's got ways about him that make you say "Well, that's Jason." I so badly want to take care of my son, yet am so afraid to be treating a personality rather than a condition...if that even makes any sense. Sometimes, I can't make sense of what's going on in my own head. I wonder often if this is how his brain feels.
So the first step in moving forward was calling the pediatrician this morning. We're going to start the process by finding someone that he can talk to. Someone who is going to take the time to get to know my Jason for every amazing thing he is before throwing him on some random medication, regardless what it is. And then we're going to wait it out. Once we come to whatever determination it is we come to, we're going to have to pull together as a family to be the very best we can be for him. We're going to have to be more tolerant, less emotional, and less impulsive ourselves....because he's going to need support and love more than he ever has. Jason can be so frustrating, but truly all I want for him is for EVERYONE to see the amazing person that's under the anxiety and impulses. I want a change to the way the talk about him. Instead of "Jason's a great kid, and we love him, but...", I want to hear "Jason's an awesome kid, and we love him." There truly is so much to love. I've got to get some resolve, and pray on the changes that we'll need to go through. I know that God is holding my little guy in His hands, and I know that He's going to point us in the direction of what is best for Jason, regardless the opinion of anyone else. It doesn't matter what I think, or what D thinks, or what anyone else thinks, because God knows...and He's going to put the right people in our path to make my boy happy and whole again. I just have to hand it to Him and give Him the opportunity. Sometimes that's the hardest part.
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