A different light

It seems as though my life has changed a lot in the last few months. Truth be told, its a little refreshing. In September, due to circumstances that we didn't understand, we lost our house. It wasn't our fault, yet errors were definitely made on our part. Daniel would go to work everyday, and his paychecks, as they were, would keep food on our table (where ever we needed up that night) and a roof over the heads of our babies...who needed us to be strong, even though we felt like we were at the end of our rope. We turned to a few different places and people, with no real luck...and no real idea what we would do. We felt lost and useless and frustrated. We talked about things we didn't want to think about and discussed all of our options...even though we didn't want to. We spent our nights where we could, and our days walking the malls.....doing anything to keep out of the hot car. We were....destroyed. several months pregnant with the child that daniel and I had longed for..finally healthy...we began to wonder what we were going to do....how would we ever get out of this hole?? Our lives changed pretty drastically in a minute, tho. One night, in particular, when daniel and I had spent the day trying to figure out where we`d go next....after having scraped together all the money we had....we had just about given up. I get this message on Facebook that was the LAST thing I expected. My Aunt Emily, (my dads sister) who I really didn't know very well and had only ever seen a few times, had offered her home to me and my family. Offered me a job, a place to lay my head, and family to help me through this difficult pregnancy. She didn't lecture me about how we got here, she didn't make me feel like I was failing my children, she said in a few short words "we`ve all been there, and we`re going to get you back on your feet." I could try for ages and not be able to express my gratitude to her for taking a leap of faith, helping us and doing what she never really had to. Each day, I go to work, at a job that I truly love and am really good at. I come home to my HUGE family, where were never alone, and I love that. I learned a lot about who I can and cant trust and who will really and truly have my back. The truth is, I found help, and a life and a home in a place where I never thought I would. I found comfort and protection in a place I never would have thought to look. Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle, my kids had a Halloween. They had a family thanksgiving, and there will be presents under the Christmas tree. They have warm clothes, and new toys and friends. I'm SO grateful for this life that I've found... that has been given to me....and I'm hoping someday to be able to repay them...and show them true gratitude for the impact they've had on my life. It can truly only go up from here. For this blog pot, this evening...when my mind is racing, I send a heartfelt thank you to my Aunt Emily and Uncle Jason for everything they've done and continue to do for us everyday. To my cousin Brittany, who babysits my little chubbs so that i have the freedom and peace of mind to go to work each day. Who listens to my stresses and doesnt judge me. Who always has snacks and ice when my baby belly requires it. I'm lucky to have such amazing family in my life, and I know that. I'll never take it for granted.

One month

Can it already be that time again? Am I really sitting here staring at her tiny stocking thinking again that she should be here? Imagining her soft skin, her tiny curls, little bows in her hair...and that little Christmas dress. That beautiful baby girl whose laughter should be ringing in my ears this holiday season....but it's not. And it won't be. Ever. Remembering that sucks. As if that wasn't crappy enough all on its own, December means that next month is her birthday, and my darling, angel baby girl will be 2 years old. Its hard to believe that its been that long when many days I find myself still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's actually gone. I've been putting a lot of thought this year into how I want to celebrate my little girl's birthday and I keep coming up short. The only thing that really stands out in my mind is that I want her to have somewhere. Ever since I did a little research, I realized I could have had her buried...and a gravestone is something I so badly want for her. I want somewhere to go when missing her gets to be just a little too overwhelming. I want somewhere I can run to when I need her too badly. I want somewhere beautiful where I can take her flowers, and decorate on holidays, and bring her cupcakes on her birthday. I want her to have something more than balloons and a memory. I need that. I've had her on my mind nearly non stop this month...there's just so much to miss.
Little Owen kicking and moving in my belly is bittersweet. It makes me so happy and so grateful that he's here and that he's OK...on the other hand, his kicks remind me of the way she used to kick me, the way she used to play with her daddy...the feeling I used to have just knowing she was there. Sometimes I find it hard to separate the two. I wonder if that's a normal thing. Since I lost Bella, a few of my friends have joined me in our silent ranks, in the pain that only a grieving mother or father can know. It feels different to now have people who I can really share this experience with. People who can really say "yea I get that." And they're close to me...and they are not just words....they really do get it. And so we talk, and we remember...and we know that everyday is a battle but we fight it. Its nice to no longer be fighting alone.
Christmas is a hard time of year for me. It reminds me of all I don't have...and all I can't have. But it also reminds me of all my blessings. Family, my beautiful children, my husband...all those things that make it worth it when I have to get out of bed each morning and face a world that doesn't have her in it. Yes, there's much to rejoice in this year, and every year after. She's not with us in body, but we have an ever present, very real angel to adorn the top of our tree...and that's pretty special.