Hmm...well Thanksgiving Day came and went rather uneventfully this year. We spent the day cooking dinner, as we usually do. We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and two of the 3 football games of the day. It wasn't a bad day, but it surely was lacking. My family was missing (mom, dad, brother, various other relatives) and D's family was missing (faith, Dezi, Gramma, and other various relatives) and my baby girl was missing. This hit my particularly hard yesterday as we lit her candle and had dinner with her beside us. It made it very real that rather than holding her whilst we struggled to eat turkey, we were simply remembering her. Not a very good day for mommy. I wrote to her last night...simply to let her know i loved her...and that i was thinking of her...and that this holiday without her, hurt. All these things i'm certain she already knew, yet...i told her anyways. After we finished with dinner, the kitchen was cleaned up, the leftovers put away, and then we went outside to blow bubbles. It absolutely warms my heart that the troll knows and fully understands why we do this. He does his very best to make sure his bubbles make it to his sister, and he even made sure to tell her he loved her, and "Happy Thanksgiving". Ahh the young hearted.
Today, being Black Friday, the streets are busy with holiday shoppers, in a hurry to make their early Christmas purchases. Black Friday makes people mean, for a day that is supposed to be focused around the holidays, it sure doesn't bring out the spirit of things. All over the news you hear stories. A lady pepper sprayed someone in Walmart, injuring at least 20 people, while another woman was shot while trying to get into a store. Are people really this desperate? I dunno, it seems that a time which used to be for family and friends, is now for materials and things. Its about greed and spoils rather than being together. It honestly quite irritates me. How can we expect our children to be different, when we are displaying the very qualities that we DON'T want them displaying? How can we expect them to change the world when they are following our poor example? And don't get me wrong, that's not to say that all parents partake in this, or that we're all terrible people. Its just to say that there's so much bad in the world, can the good really make any difference? Ah, the age old question i guess...to which there really is no answer.
Christmas decorating will be starting at our house this weekend....and the troll couldn't be more excited. As I've mentioned before, this Christmas is going to be a little bittersweet for me. I spoke about the bitter part, but now about the sweet. My little troll is just getting to the age where he knows and understands what Christmas is about. Last year, he wrote a letter to Santa, but didn't quite understand why he was doing it. This year though, he is already excitedly asking to write his letter, making sure to tell me what things he wants to add to his list. He's at a really fun age and i'm looking forward to the excitement that comes from the festivities this year. As for my little imp, he actually gets to spend Christmas with me this year, which is hugely exciting for me. Last year, he woke up on Christmas morning at his father's house, which meant that he missed out on the cookies and milk from Santa and the "letter" that he left for the boys, as well as the half eaten carrots that Rudolph left behind. He did get to write his Christmas letter, that was one of the things that we all did together. This year, we are going to paint our own Christmas ornaments, and hang them on the tree. Christmas morning we will wake up, open our presents, blow our bubbles to Bella, and celebrate our holiday as a family. I look forward to that.
Holidays at our house tend to be pretty broken, and that saddens me. I know that the troll and the imp should be together for such events, but because of the decisions made by their fathers and i, that will never be. It frustrates me because i feel like we miss out on so much of that whole-ness that should come with the holidays. While they are always fun, and i always enjoy the time with my troll, things just arent the same without my baby imp. Its like having family time without the whole family. Well, it isn't LIKE that, it IS that. Its hard to know that he's being left out of so much. I often wonder if he gets to celebrate with his dad the way we celebrate here, his father has never been much for holidays--that's always sort of been my thing. It makes me wonder if he's missing out. Some of the most fond memories of my holidays include my brother, it makes me think that perhaps something is being taken from him that he won't get to have those too. Or-maybe i'm being paranoid.
I guess I've been spoiled in my relationship with the troll. Since his father has never really played an active part in his life, I've never had to share him with anyone. I don't have to worry about holidays, and birthdays, he's always with me. Occasionally, he'll be with his Nana, but that's just fine with me, because since she's down the road, and she's Nana, i get to just go spend those days with them together. He gets to spend time here, with his momma, and his brother, where he belongs. With my imp though, i have had 50-50 custody of him pretty much ever since his dad left. There have been a few times that I've had him more often, depending on school, work, and personal schedules, but for the most part, its pretty even. This means that there have been and will be numerous holidays, birthdays and family celebrations that he'll miss, and that i'll miss spending with him. Truthfully, that eats me alive. I so wish there were some way to make that better, to be able to have him in my arms all the time. I hate each time that i have to say goodbye to him, and every time he gets left out of something that he should be here for. I hope as he gets older it gets easier, but i'm not thinking its going to. For this year though, I'll hold on tight to my babies, celebrate Christmas with them, teach them about Santa, read them "Twas The Night Before Christmas", Watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and go to sleep in our Christmas jammies. We'll bake Christmas cookies, and leave letters out for Santa Clause, and enjoy our time together, however short, as a family...as we should be.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Love
Its been nearly 10 years since I started dating the Troll's father. Believe me when i say, that i never expected the impact that he would have on my life, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. He did, in fact though, change quite a lot of things about my life. He was my first love. He was my first...a lot of things. He taught me about love, he taught me about caring about someone else. He and i were...fantastically terrible for each other. We loved one another so intensely, so surely, so fully, and yet...it was puppy love. It was the kind of love that we thought would last forever, we even WANTED it to last forever, but fate knew it never would. We parted ways after five years, leaving me with the feeling that fate had cheated me...and all of this, was just a cruel joke.
I bring this up because two things came from this young love. Two things came from this relationship, this friendship. Firstly, my beautiful little boy, who is now 4 years old, and so smart. He is, as far as looks go, the spitting image of that man, whom i knew what seems like so long ago now. In personality, i see it, from time to time, but i like to think he's growing more like me, as he grows older and more mature. The second thing that came from this relationship was the amazing and incredible bond that formed with his mom, Gina. What can i really say about Gina? She has been a constant love, support, and strength in my life since i was 15 years old. She's always been there, always loved me, and always understood me. She and i have had a fall out or two, but in the end, we always find our way back to each other.
There are a few major and defining moments in our life, and i think of those today. Many years ago, when i was 16, I was made to make a decision that i was NOT happy with. I didn't like it, and my bf didn't like it, and she didn't like it. However, i listened to the words of others and made a decision that day that changed my life. I don't really need to elaborate on the decision itself, as i'm sure she knows what i'm referring to. It was a difficult experience for all of us, and its something that we never really forgot. After that, she and i didn't talk for awhile, and i didn't blame her. She was angry, i was angry, and a saddened part of me thought that i'd never really talk to her again. Eventually though, we moved past that time, and started to rebuild our relationship. It had, by no means, gone away, because nothing ever does that to us. There were about a billion trials and tribulations between me and her son after that, but no matter how he acted, she always loved me, and supported me.
When i was 18 years old, just turned, in fact, i called her, and S and told a tale of teen angst. "oh my parents are so terrible, and they did this, or that". I think it was that they'd grounded me, for one of the 500 things i did wrong. She piped up quickly, so move out, and move in with us. Seriously, we'll come get you. I was hesitant, because i knew what it would do to my mom, and how my dad would feel...i knew it would be hard to leave. S got back on the phone, and said "seriously, if you don't want to be there, come here, i'm on the way." So i packed up what few things i could fit into his little civic, and wrote a note to my Momma, and we drove away. From that moment on, Miss Gina truly was my Momma. I believe what made her so special to me was the way she always supported me. No matter what the decision. During the time we lived together...we had, about a billion adventures, far to colorful for this blog, i'm afraid...but again, she knows what i mean. After awhile, her son and i moved out, but we visited often, and made still more memories. My favorite pictures from my senior prom were taken at her house, by her, lovingly, and they're pictures that i cherish to this day. She's a part of all the memories of being a teenager that i hold most dear.
One year later, after i'd graduated, and gone off to basic training, i came home. Her son was dating something else, and things seemed to be pretty serious. However, as things with he and i always were, we found each other again. Wrong as i was, it didn't matter that he was with someone else, and it didn't matter that we weren't together, and probably never would be again. All that mattered, was that whatever it was, it was still there. So we flung, a lot, LOL. And the week before Christmas in 2007, i was blessed with a beautiful baby. We didn't know at the time that we were, or that he was a boy, all we knew was that he was. 4 weeks later, on the phone with Momma Gina, i said to her "I'm having people. " And she never once asked me if it was his, and she never once doubted me. She excitedly said "let me know when you know for sure." and from that moment on, was every bit as dedicated to this baby as i was, regardless whether or not he was going to be. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after i found out, Gramma Marilyn passed away. This did two things for my life. The first thing, it drove S away from me, and officially into the arms of the woman he was dating. It was that week that i realized...i was going to to be raising this baby by myself. And i also realized...that that was ok with me. Because no way in hell was i letting him go. It was definitely an option, at least for him (because what guy wants to tell his girlfriend "i got my ex girlfriend pregnant while we're still together") but it wasn't ever an option for me. The second thing, that came of it was that me and Momma Gina became THAT much closer. It was an absolute honor when she asked me to sit with the family during the memorial service, and even more so when she asked me to sing. Few people know the way she does what singing does for me. That event brought us closer than we'd ever been before...and only she and i really know why.
After that is the obvious thing, i suppose, the birth of my little troll. She wasn't there, with me, but she was the first text message i sent, and i was so excited to share pictures of my little one with her. She was just as excited as i was, if not more so. Unfortunately, because of unforeseen circumstances, she did not get to meet this special little boy until he was already 2. She watched our little guy grow up in pictures, and i know how hard it was for her. She never complained though, she just commented, and watched...always quietly keeping an eye on me, and loving me from a distance. Finally, in June of 2009, she got to meet him, and the minute they set eyes on each other, it was love. They've been inseparable ever since, and we love it that way. In November, we moved to Arizona to try to make things work with my ex, but that didn't wind up happening. During this time , we both helped each other. I helped her recover from her stroke, clean up her house, and feed her well, and she helped me get over the loss that i suffered when my ex left me. Again. She saw the tears in my eyes and the hurt on my face when Jason asked him not to go, and she held me when i cried. She was always good for things like that.
Eventually, i moved out, and she met an amazing man, who has also become an important part of my life. This post has me thinking about the way things used to be, how we got here. Momma Gina has been my strength, and support. She is one of the people whose opinion means the most to me in the world. Recently, when i got my new job, i proceeded with caution telling people until i was pretty confident that i'd get the job. When i told her and Papa that i had gotten the job, she expressed how insanely proud of me they were. It occurred to me then, as it often does, that these two are some of the most important in my life...and i aspire to always make them proud of me. I may not always do things the way they think i should, or the way they think is best, but regardless they support me, and love me, and that's the most important thing, i think. I consider myself so blessed to have them in my life, today, and everyday.
I bring this up because two things came from this young love. Two things came from this relationship, this friendship. Firstly, my beautiful little boy, who is now 4 years old, and so smart. He is, as far as looks go, the spitting image of that man, whom i knew what seems like so long ago now. In personality, i see it, from time to time, but i like to think he's growing more like me, as he grows older and more mature. The second thing that came from this relationship was the amazing and incredible bond that formed with his mom, Gina. What can i really say about Gina? She has been a constant love, support, and strength in my life since i was 15 years old. She's always been there, always loved me, and always understood me. She and i have had a fall out or two, but in the end, we always find our way back to each other.
There are a few major and defining moments in our life, and i think of those today. Many years ago, when i was 16, I was made to make a decision that i was NOT happy with. I didn't like it, and my bf didn't like it, and she didn't like it. However, i listened to the words of others and made a decision that day that changed my life. I don't really need to elaborate on the decision itself, as i'm sure she knows what i'm referring to. It was a difficult experience for all of us, and its something that we never really forgot. After that, she and i didn't talk for awhile, and i didn't blame her. She was angry, i was angry, and a saddened part of me thought that i'd never really talk to her again. Eventually though, we moved past that time, and started to rebuild our relationship. It had, by no means, gone away, because nothing ever does that to us. There were about a billion trials and tribulations between me and her son after that, but no matter how he acted, she always loved me, and supported me.
When i was 18 years old, just turned, in fact, i called her, and S and told a tale of teen angst. "oh my parents are so terrible, and they did this, or that". I think it was that they'd grounded me, for one of the 500 things i did wrong. She piped up quickly, so move out, and move in with us. Seriously, we'll come get you. I was hesitant, because i knew what it would do to my mom, and how my dad would feel...i knew it would be hard to leave. S got back on the phone, and said "seriously, if you don't want to be there, come here, i'm on the way." So i packed up what few things i could fit into his little civic, and wrote a note to my Momma, and we drove away. From that moment on, Miss Gina truly was my Momma. I believe what made her so special to me was the way she always supported me. No matter what the decision. During the time we lived together...we had, about a billion adventures, far to colorful for this blog, i'm afraid...but again, she knows what i mean. After awhile, her son and i moved out, but we visited often, and made still more memories. My favorite pictures from my senior prom were taken at her house, by her, lovingly, and they're pictures that i cherish to this day. She's a part of all the memories of being a teenager that i hold most dear.
One year later, after i'd graduated, and gone off to basic training, i came home. Her son was dating something else, and things seemed to be pretty serious. However, as things with he and i always were, we found each other again. Wrong as i was, it didn't matter that he was with someone else, and it didn't matter that we weren't together, and probably never would be again. All that mattered, was that whatever it was, it was still there. So we flung, a lot, LOL. And the week before Christmas in 2007, i was blessed with a beautiful baby. We didn't know at the time that we were, or that he was a boy, all we knew was that he was. 4 weeks later, on the phone with Momma Gina, i said to her "I'm having people. " And she never once asked me if it was his, and she never once doubted me. She excitedly said "let me know when you know for sure." and from that moment on, was every bit as dedicated to this baby as i was, regardless whether or not he was going to be. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after i found out, Gramma Marilyn passed away. This did two things for my life. The first thing, it drove S away from me, and officially into the arms of the woman he was dating. It was that week that i realized...i was going to to be raising this baby by myself. And i also realized...that that was ok with me. Because no way in hell was i letting him go. It was definitely an option, at least for him (because what guy wants to tell his girlfriend "i got my ex girlfriend pregnant while we're still together") but it wasn't ever an option for me. The second thing, that came of it was that me and Momma Gina became THAT much closer. It was an absolute honor when she asked me to sit with the family during the memorial service, and even more so when she asked me to sing. Few people know the way she does what singing does for me. That event brought us closer than we'd ever been before...and only she and i really know why.
After that is the obvious thing, i suppose, the birth of my little troll. She wasn't there, with me, but she was the first text message i sent, and i was so excited to share pictures of my little one with her. She was just as excited as i was, if not more so. Unfortunately, because of unforeseen circumstances, she did not get to meet this special little boy until he was already 2. She watched our little guy grow up in pictures, and i know how hard it was for her. She never complained though, she just commented, and watched...always quietly keeping an eye on me, and loving me from a distance. Finally, in June of 2009, she got to meet him, and the minute they set eyes on each other, it was love. They've been inseparable ever since, and we love it that way. In November, we moved to Arizona to try to make things work with my ex, but that didn't wind up happening. During this time , we both helped each other. I helped her recover from her stroke, clean up her house, and feed her well, and she helped me get over the loss that i suffered when my ex left me. Again. She saw the tears in my eyes and the hurt on my face when Jason asked him not to go, and she held me when i cried. She was always good for things like that.
Eventually, i moved out, and she met an amazing man, who has also become an important part of my life. This post has me thinking about the way things used to be, how we got here. Momma Gina has been my strength, and support. She is one of the people whose opinion means the most to me in the world. Recently, when i got my new job, i proceeded with caution telling people until i was pretty confident that i'd get the job. When i told her and Papa that i had gotten the job, she expressed how insanely proud of me they were. It occurred to me then, as it often does, that these two are some of the most important in my life...and i aspire to always make them proud of me. I may not always do things the way they think i should, or the way they think is best, but regardless they support me, and love me, and that's the most important thing, i think. I consider myself so blessed to have them in my life, today, and everyday.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Holidays
The holidays are upon us, and there is much to be thankful for. In the recent years, we have completely skipped from Halloween to Christmas, and because of this, Santa and his reindeer adorn the houses around the neighborhood, and Christmas trees, lights, and displays consume our department stores. Thanksgiving is little now besides the day before Black Friday. A day where football plays on TV, the Macy’s day parade is filled with floats, and you get to fatten up on Turkey and all the fixin’s. Thanksgiving used to be a legitimate holiday. Is used to be about being thankful for what you have. Celebrating your blessings and surrounding yourself with family. It’s not longer about those things, it’s hardly there at all. I think back to Thanksgiving last year, and it saddens me a bit. Holidays this year are going to be a little bittersweet. While I know that I have much to be thankful for, my holidays are sadly lacking in one very serious department…and it occurs to me that I didn’t even really realize it until yesterday. At Toys R Us yesterday, I was really in the Christmas spirit. Busily looking through shelves of toys, trying to decide what the perfect presents for my boys would be. “Oh the troll would like this” and “hey, the imp would freak over that” were sounds heard quite frequently from me. I made a decision early on in the holiday planning that I wasn’t going to go hog wild on toys this year. I mean, I have an ENTIRE play room that’s dedicated to their toys. Believe me when I tell you that 95% of the time, you can’t even walk in there. It’s definitely time to get rid of the old toys that just litter the floor, and never get played with. Truth be told though, I’m one of those moms who never gets rid of anything. LOL. I say that it’s because they might want to play with it, but let’s be honest, it’s really because I’m a pack rat, and to me, things have sentimental value. THINGS remind me of a time. And a big part of me often feels if I get rid of those things, I’ll forget….but, I digress. Back to my point! As I walked through the aisles and aisles of toys, I realized quickly that only picking a few toys for them was going to be no easy task! How would I decide who wanted what more, and more importantly, how do I keep them from fighting over everything? So we documented our choices and then moved on. And that’s when it happened. Yes, it. Walking from the toys into the clothes, I saw a little outfit…about 12 months: “My First Christmas”. And it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, with a sharp end designed specifically for my heart. My First Christmas. Holy Hell, it would have been, right? I was quickly drug from my happy, excited, shopping mood into this other thing. Drowning with grief, looking at dresses that she’d never wear, shoes that would never be hers. Passed by the girls toys that I’d never be buying for her, and it occurred to me that this was about to become VERY real. And was I ready for that? See, all this time, I’d been quietly dreading her first birthday. I’ve yet to decide how to mark the occasion, but it’s something that’s always on my brain…it never came to mind that BEFORE I had to mark THAT occasion, I had to survive 3 others. I had to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years…all holidays that she should be here with us to celebrate. I won’t lie, it’s a little daunting. I’m not sure how to feel about it, and although I know it’s going to hurt, I’m preparing myself to be strong. Not because I can’t cry, or grieve her, but because while she’s missing, it’s still a happy and beautiful occasion for the two boys I DO have, the two that eagerly look forward to Santa and family dinners. And for them, it’s still has to be amazing.
In an effort to make sure she was incorporated in our holiday season though, we picked out a Christmas ornament for her. It’s so amazingly, perfectly her, and I’m excited to add it to the tree when we finally do put it up. There are plenty of quiet and careful ways to remember her, to not take anything away from my boys, yet never forget my girl. Thanksgiving day, we will sit out on our porch, and just like we always do, and blow bubbles to heaven. We’ll light her candle through dinner, and make sure she knows she’s there, and that she’s loved. It saddens me to know that she’s not there in body, but I have no doubt that she’s always here in spirit, and regardless what anyone else thinks or feels, I will always include her, I will always love her, and I will always say her name. I guess the reality is, that there will always be something that is going to be a reminder of what she isn’t here to do. All we can really do is think of her fondly, and remember that for everything she can’t do, my boys are doing 2 new things. And that’s pretty special.
In an effort to make sure she was incorporated in our holiday season though, we picked out a Christmas ornament for her. It’s so amazingly, perfectly her, and I’m excited to add it to the tree when we finally do put it up. There are plenty of quiet and careful ways to remember her, to not take anything away from my boys, yet never forget my girl. Thanksgiving day, we will sit out on our porch, and just like we always do, and blow bubbles to heaven. We’ll light her candle through dinner, and make sure she knows she’s there, and that she’s loved. It saddens me to know that she’s not there in body, but I have no doubt that she’s always here in spirit, and regardless what anyone else thinks or feels, I will always include her, I will always love her, and I will always say her name. I guess the reality is, that there will always be something that is going to be a reminder of what she isn’t here to do. All we can really do is think of her fondly, and remember that for everything she can’t do, my boys are doing 2 new things. And that’s pretty special.
So ya know, the holidays this year are definitely going to be different, but I’m not sure that has to be a bad thing. It will be both a happy, celebratory experience, and a time to take pause, think of those we’ve lost, and be thankful for those we have. Perhaps losing Bells has taught me a little more about holding dear what I do have. I just have to remember to smile and tell myself “
Friday, November 18, 2011
To Be...Mommy
Things lately have been pretty hectic....to say the least. I have been working all day, going to school at night, and by the time i get home, most nights, all i really wanna do is sit in front of the TV, and indulge in a Criminal Minds marathon, after a LONG, hot bath and a ice cold soda! Most nights I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, and up into my lap climbs a little boy. In his hand, he carries a coloring book and two crayons. Just two. He looks up at me with the most gorgeous brown eyes that i've ever seen and says to me "cower mom". I stop for a second, and weigh my options. On one time, what i wanted to say was "mommy is so tired honey, we'll do it tomorrow"...but then i thought to myself 'what are the odd that tomorrow, i'm not going to be just as tired?" And i looked at him, for a long moment and smiled. Because i realized that this...is what they live for. The time spent with the ones they love. Because right now...that's all they have. So i take the book, climb onto the floor, and we color. After coloring, its time for baths, and jammies, and bed...things that i once took for granted getting to do with them, that i now wish i could do more often. Perhaps i'll have to work on that. Its just so hard finding time when there isnt any...but that's what they need. Even if it's just a little.
This brings me to my next thought. Being a parent...is sometimes pretty damn hard. It starts from the minute you take that test (or hear that your significant other has). I'm Pregnant. Two simple words, which can change your life forever. I believe that each child is a blessing, and happens for a reason. I believe in hope, in miracles, and in faith. I know though, that it can be overwhelming at times, and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Raising children is HARD. It is. They have to be fed, and clothed and housed, and warm. They want toys, and books and games, and they want those things MOST when you just can't afford them. But I find that when it comes to children, you will always find a way. No matter how hard it is, you always make it happen. Because you have to. Because that little life, relies on you. After nine (well, ten really) months of baby baking (which is ALSO hard work!), you come to the moment of truth-giving birth! One of the most difficult yet rewarding experiences there is. Period. Dot. Decimal. Its an experience all its own, that's for sure. The first time you see that timy little face, those little hands, those tiny feet, and realize that this person BELONGS to you....you are forever changed. You look into their little face and realize that you have NEVER loved like this before, and begin to question IF, in fact, you ever really knew what love was. And then you realize that none of that matters, because this is Real. This is unconditional, and its never going to go away. What could really be better than that? When the troll came into the world, he was greeted by a host of friends and family! And i remember the first time i saw him...he looked like a little gremlin, but damnit, he was MY little gremlin. I had grown him, and nurished him, and loved him, and his little face brought me to tears. Yes, this was MINE, finally someone who would not let me down. My little imp, alternatively made his debut privately...with just me and my mom in the room. He was very early, and very quiet. And i remember thinking the same about him. No one in the world is every going to love me like they do. And no one has yet.
I remember not too long after i had the Imp, and in the times while i was pregnant with him, wondering to myself what my life would be like if i didnt have kids. When the bills got to be more than i could handle, and there just wasnt enough food to feed everyone...i'd get down. And i'd go to that place. The place where life was "simple" and there was just me to take care of. But after that ultrasound where i SAW his heart beating, i saw him moving, and i heard them say "its a boy!", any time i thought about my life without them in it, it didnt feel right. No, instead, it felt decidedly lacking! I mean sure, i'd have more money, i'd have food in the house...i could afford to get my nails and hair done, and be high maintenance...but i'd missing out on THEM. And how could that ever be right? How could any life that doesnt involve them be okay? Its funny the way these things work, because i never realized how completely they would own me, until they did. Those moments when you're covered in throwup, from a particularly long night, running on zero sleep, and trying to get that damn fever down are the times when you feel the most INTENSE love. Its those kisses on a feverish forehead, wiping salty tears away from very upset faces, and soothing a tummy ache by rubbing little bellies. Its running around playing "tag" at the park, birthday parties at chuck e cheese, the first time they learn to swing, slide down the slide, and climb the ladder. Its football in front of the house...and watching them squeal with excitement when they catch it. They're feelings and emotions that you just can't get anywhere else...they're special. And so worth all the trials and tribulations that may accompany them.
If you are fortunate, after that long nine months, you get to take that beautiful baby home...and experience those things. Sometimes though, you dont. And believe me when i say that getting over the death of a child is just something you dont do. And burying that child, going home without her...is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Celebrating a life that was never truly lived is unparalleled. Every day, i look at my wall, full of memories of my Bella girl, and i feel cheated. Angry. Hurt. Why did GOd bless me with this gift, if only to take it from me...it always seems so unfair. And then i feel guilt. Why didnt i try harder, why didnt i fight harder? Why didnt i MAKE them keep a closer eye on her, on me? Why didnt i MAKE them admit me...to take care of her? Why did i hang my head, and give up so easily on something that i wanted to so badly? That guilt follows me everywhere i go...and i long to join her again...so i can be relieved of it. There are times, caught up in the grief, that i think i'll never recover...because i miss her just that much. She was something i'd always wanted, and hoped for....and i lost her. And i can't help but think that there was something i could have done differently. Its hard to walk away from that. But at some point...amidst all the guilt, i look at my two boys, and i remember hope. I see them and i tell myself that with everything else in life that is hard, loving them is ALWAYS easy.
And this, i guess...is what it means to be a parent.
This brings me to my next thought. Being a parent...is sometimes pretty damn hard. It starts from the minute you take that test (or hear that your significant other has). I'm Pregnant. Two simple words, which can change your life forever. I believe that each child is a blessing, and happens for a reason. I believe in hope, in miracles, and in faith. I know though, that it can be overwhelming at times, and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Raising children is HARD. It is. They have to be fed, and clothed and housed, and warm. They want toys, and books and games, and they want those things MOST when you just can't afford them. But I find that when it comes to children, you will always find a way. No matter how hard it is, you always make it happen. Because you have to. Because that little life, relies on you. After nine (well, ten really) months of baby baking (which is ALSO hard work!), you come to the moment of truth-giving birth! One of the most difficult yet rewarding experiences there is. Period. Dot. Decimal. Its an experience all its own, that's for sure. The first time you see that timy little face, those little hands, those tiny feet, and realize that this person BELONGS to you....you are forever changed. You look into their little face and realize that you have NEVER loved like this before, and begin to question IF, in fact, you ever really knew what love was. And then you realize that none of that matters, because this is Real. This is unconditional, and its never going to go away. What could really be better than that? When the troll came into the world, he was greeted by a host of friends and family! And i remember the first time i saw him...he looked like a little gremlin, but damnit, he was MY little gremlin. I had grown him, and nurished him, and loved him, and his little face brought me to tears. Yes, this was MINE, finally someone who would not let me down. My little imp, alternatively made his debut privately...with just me and my mom in the room. He was very early, and very quiet. And i remember thinking the same about him. No one in the world is every going to love me like they do. And no one has yet.
I remember not too long after i had the Imp, and in the times while i was pregnant with him, wondering to myself what my life would be like if i didnt have kids. When the bills got to be more than i could handle, and there just wasnt enough food to feed everyone...i'd get down. And i'd go to that place. The place where life was "simple" and there was just me to take care of. But after that ultrasound where i SAW his heart beating, i saw him moving, and i heard them say "its a boy!", any time i thought about my life without them in it, it didnt feel right. No, instead, it felt decidedly lacking! I mean sure, i'd have more money, i'd have food in the house...i could afford to get my nails and hair done, and be high maintenance...but i'd missing out on THEM. And how could that ever be right? How could any life that doesnt involve them be okay? Its funny the way these things work, because i never realized how completely they would own me, until they did. Those moments when you're covered in throwup, from a particularly long night, running on zero sleep, and trying to get that damn fever down are the times when you feel the most INTENSE love. Its those kisses on a feverish forehead, wiping salty tears away from very upset faces, and soothing a tummy ache by rubbing little bellies. Its running around playing "tag" at the park, birthday parties at chuck e cheese, the first time they learn to swing, slide down the slide, and climb the ladder. Its football in front of the house...and watching them squeal with excitement when they catch it. They're feelings and emotions that you just can't get anywhere else...they're special. And so worth all the trials and tribulations that may accompany them.
If you are fortunate, after that long nine months, you get to take that beautiful baby home...and experience those things. Sometimes though, you dont. And believe me when i say that getting over the death of a child is just something you dont do. And burying that child, going home without her...is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Celebrating a life that was never truly lived is unparalleled. Every day, i look at my wall, full of memories of my Bella girl, and i feel cheated. Angry. Hurt. Why did GOd bless me with this gift, if only to take it from me...it always seems so unfair. And then i feel guilt. Why didnt i try harder, why didnt i fight harder? Why didnt i MAKE them keep a closer eye on her, on me? Why didnt i MAKE them admit me...to take care of her? Why did i hang my head, and give up so easily on something that i wanted to so badly? That guilt follows me everywhere i go...and i long to join her again...so i can be relieved of it. There are times, caught up in the grief, that i think i'll never recover...because i miss her just that much. She was something i'd always wanted, and hoped for....and i lost her. And i can't help but think that there was something i could have done differently. Its hard to walk away from that. But at some point...amidst all the guilt, i look at my two boys, and i remember hope. I see them and i tell myself that with everything else in life that is hard, loving them is ALWAYS easy.
And this, i guess...is what it means to be a parent.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Hope
I follow this blog, fairly religiously. Everyday i read her posts (well, when they come everyday), i follow her story, her loss, her hurt, her faith, her newest pregnancy, and her faith. As many of you know, I didn't take the loss of my daughter very well. The troll and the Imp are my life, and i love them, with every fiber of my being, no denying that...but through both of their pregnancies, i prayed for a girl. A beautiful little girl, with dark hair and dark eyes, a mischievous smile, and bouncing pigtails. I finally had that little girl i had been dreaming of. I heard her heartbeat and saw her ultrasounds, and i watched her grow. I had pictures, and i had video, and my heart was full to nearly exploding. Never has a mother ever felt as much love as i felt that day the Dr told me i was having a "hamburger" rather than a "hotdog". Both of my pregnancies were pretty typical, i had no reason to believe this one would be any different, and then...suddenly, at 23 weeks, i lost my sweet baby girl, to placenta previa (an abruption), and instead of dressing her up, and playing with her hair, i buried her.
And That's Real.
But not too long after losing Bella, i found this blogspot. And i read this story. And reading those words made me cry. I snuggled with my blanket, pulled all the way up to my chin, and i cried. I cried for her, for her husband, for myself...for my loss. I read that blog nearly non-stop until i was caught up. I read the eulogy, i saw the pictures...and i felt like i knew this sweet baby boy, this fighter. As the days went on, i learned more and more about the mama that was writing this blog. And I learned more and more about her newest pregnancy. We followed closely, praying for positive ultrasounds, and anxiously anticipating finding out if her angel baby was going to have a brother or a sister. What came from stumbling upon this blog...was that now...i had something to look forward to, something to hope for. Her blogs are raw, and intense, and emotional. Her pictures (while amazing) are rough around the edges, and they're real. They depict things that people don't want to think about (tiny coffin, for instance?), but they tell a story. A story of hope, of faith, of trying again.
And That's Necessary.
What this blog taught me was that it's ok to move on. It doesn't mean that i dont miss her everyday. It doesnt mean that she's not just as big a part of my life and my family as she ever was. It doesnt mean that i've forgotten her...it just means that now...i can use her as an instrument in my life...a way to watch her brothers, a way to watch me. It taught me that its ok to say her name. It's okay to scream her name from the rooftops.
ISABELLA!
She was REAL. She was MY daughter, and my world. And i loved her. Regardless whether i ever met her or not. This mama taught me the importance of making room for all of my children, of trying again...to maybe have another child, and of learning How to Love Them Both. And, in my mind, at least. This is a pretty big deal. This blog, this mama, this love...taught me about hope. It took me out of that dark place i was in, that hole, and it taught me how to be whole again. How to be a mother again to my boys.. How to not be completely consumed by the hurt and the grief...how to celebrate that fact that her life even WAS rather than grieve that it's not anymore. I'm not sure she'll ever really know how she touched my life. I'm not sure she'll ever realize how MANY lives she likely touches each day...but she changed mine. And...at a time when i was pretty sure that God had finally given me something i COULDN'T overcome, she saved me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes
Arrite, I'll admit it. I'm nervous. Really nervous. Its been several years since I've had a job. I'm not sure I'm even still GOOD at this stuff anymore. I'd like to think I am, that its like riding a bike, but its really hard to know for sure. Don't get me wrong though, I'm very excited about the idea of having a job. This is going to be something that is just mine. It doesn't involve D, or the boys, its just for me. Its mine to be either really good at or really bad at, but whatever I do, I'm taking it on alone....and that's a pretty big deal. In addition to that, I'm hoping it gets me out of this slump I'm in, and past the ho-hum, hum-drum of the day to day life I'm living now. It'll definitely be something that is going to take a toll, on me though. I'm just not used to being away from my boys anymore. They are all I have, the center of gravity in my life. I'm not sure how well i'll handle not seeing them so much. I'm not so sure how they're going to handle it either. In addition to going to work, I'll also still be tackling school full time. I know, it sounds like a lot to handle. I'm an Admin assistant from 0830-1600, and then from 1800-2200 I'm a student. From 2200-0730, I'm a mommy. And that's what my weeks will be like. The weekends will be full of squeezing in time with my babies...I'm not totally sure how it's going to work, I don't feel like I'm going to see them very much...i hope they still know how much i love and care about them, even though i'm not here all the time. The imp has a total meltdown when i have to leave for school, i hope he doesn't freak out about being left at daycare. I totally nailed the job interview though, which was awesome. I kind of feel sorry for the other lady, since they told me that they weren't even going to bother interviewing her, because i was so impressive. (I'm glad i got my interview FIRST! lol) Now my head is full of the future, trying to figure things out, and LOTS of shopping. Clothes to buy, and things to decorate my office. That's right....i have my own office. NOT a cubicle, or a space, i have an OFFICE. ahaha! I love that. Free to decorate however i want, and free to put pictures of my babies all over the place. i LOVE it. This is a pretty big step for me, with lots of opportunity. After 90 days, i'll get a pay raise, and full benefits, and that's pretty awesome. So--yea, i'm nervous. But i guess i just have to jump into this thing head first, and know that I can only be as good as i am. And that something about me has to have stood out if i got this job in the first place. I just have to remember that everything happens for a reason, and this is what's best for me and those boys...so i have to make it work. Failure is not an option.
"Do or Do Not. There Is No Try."
"Do or Do Not. There Is No Try."
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