Today I am a little over 36 weeks pregnant with an amazing little boy. Every morning I wake up and can feel him kicking, punching, flipping, and playing. I close my eyes and i try to take it all in. These last few weeks have been especially difficult for me. He's been trying his very hardest to come out early, and my body doesn't seem to be letting him. Either that, or my body wants him out and he is not interested. It's frustrating because it feels like no matter what I do, I'm in constant pain. I find myself feeling like I'd do pretty much anything to get him out....I'm so tired of being in pain. Then I close my eyes again, and I think to myself that I must seem pretty selfish. I know how lucky I am. I know that I should be thanking god each night that I fall asleep to his little kicks, and wake up to his hiccups. I know that I should be feeling blessed that we've made it this far, and appreciate that he needs all the time inside of me that he can get. I know that I should realize what an incredible gift it is that we've made it this far. I look at this picture and I feel like I've overcome a MAJOR milestone. Can this finally be happening for us? Can this beautiful little boy really be ours, can he be coming? Its humbling. After Bella, we had so much apprehension. Should we keep trying? Are we destined for this? Maybe God is trying to tell us that 2 is enough. And then...there was Owen. With so much strength, determination, and heart, he told us that he was here to stay, and that he wasn't giving up. Because of Isabella, I know how to love him. I am capable of giving him all I have, with my face lifted to God and my spirits high. Because of her, I know what loss feels like...I know what heart break is...and i know what it means to go home with empty arms. For these reasons....I know neither of us will take him for granted. And i know what a big deal that is. Please don't mistake my impatience and discomfort for complacency. I realize what an incredible gift I have growing inside of me. I know how important it is that he grow and be healthy and strong. I pray for it everyday. Forgive me for wanting to establish some degree of normalcy, some degree of comfort...and figure out how to start this life with him in it. Forgive me for impatience that comes only from discomfort...and not from irritation. Soon enough I'll be holding him in my arms, and I can get back to being a mommy, a wife, and a person. My angel Bella can look down on him and continue to help him grow. And i know how special that is too.
