A mistake that this particular site is making, that I think many bereaved parents make is that they are bitter, and to be honest, a little bit naive. There are a few facts about losing a child that we just have to deal with. I'll share them with you now.
1. You have to be a parent, but you don't get to have a child.
I think this one is probably the hardest of the pills to swallow. People will ask you how many children you have. If you're like me, and have more than one, you can just answer "4" (in my case) and people will keep walking, without much more thought into it. If your loss was your first, then you have a whole other beast to deal with. You have to deal with the questions, the comments, the looks. People can be cruel, and they can be insensitive. Most other people don't consider you a parent if you never got to take care of a child...but that's not true.
2. People are going to console you, and they have no idea what to say.
What can they really say? I mean, lets be honest. No matter what you say to me, you don't get it. People who offer condolences aren't doing it because they want YOU to feel good, they are doing it because THEY want to feel good about a particular situation. This is the reason why Christians give you our unsolicited blessings, and prayer. Even if you don't believe in God and you don't want it. When this happens, take it for what it is. Be thankful for their intent, and ignore the undertones, Christian or otherwise.
3. Being a bereaved parent does NOT give you the right to be an asshole.
Yes, you lost your child. And that sucks. I get to write this part and mean it because I've been through it. Who are we to tell someone that their well wishes aren't important because they didn't say the right thing? We are part of a group that the vast majority of people would rather just avoid. It's an uncomfortable conversation to have with anyone. To be perfectly blunt, people just don't like to talk about dead babies. It's hard. And it's even harder when it's someone we care about, or who cares about us. Stop being an asshole to that person who offers prayers, or tells you that your child is in a better place. Of course you feel that the only good place is in your arms. Chances are, they probably feel the same way. They're saying what people say. You don't get to be a douche and be excused from that because your baby died. It's not good form.
4. You're going to be jealous of every woman who is or gets pregnant after your loss.
Yup, it's true. How dare they get pregnant when you just lost your child? WHAT were they thinking? People should have completely abstained from sexual activity and terminated the pregnancies the second you lost yours. Right? Umm, no. This refers back to number 3. You are unfortunately part of an elite group of women who have children in Heaven. (or in hell, or in prague, or limbo, or whatever it is you believe in. I for one, believe my daughter walks the streets of gold. I think that's pretty awesome.) And that sucks. Trust me, I know. Something we have to learn is that not everyone has to experience this kind of pain just because we have. In fact, if we have learned anything from losing a child, it's that we shouldn't WANT ANYONE to experience this kind of pain. EVER.
5. It DOES get better when you have another child.
Ahhh, the rainbow baby. The light in the darkness, the smile to your frown, the sunshine to your rain. And yes....that's exactly what they are. It really does help when you have a healthy baby. I'll tell you why. Your body is triumphant! YES! I DID carry a baby to term. YES! I did successfully deliver a living, breathing child! YES! I DO get to take this one home. And then you do. You get to use all that baby stuff that's just been sitting in the closet. You get to use some of those baby clothes, and baby blankets that you had hidden in the closet. You get sloppy baby kisses, sleepless nights, fevers, stinky butts, first smiles, first laughs, first teeth, and first steps. You get all of those things that you missed when your baby died. All of those things you should have had. Your home is no longer full of unused baby stuff...it's full of baby stuff with purpose. Full of baby stuff used for a baby who can change your life.
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| My Very OWN Rainbow Baby |
6. Everything DOES happen for a reason- even if you don't want it to.
This is a big one for me. This is something I keep hearing: "It's easy for you to say everything happens for a reason because YOU didn't lose YOUR baby." Let me just throw this out there. You don't have to believe in God, or divine intervention, or destiny in order to use successfully the mantra that everything happens for a reason. BECAUSE IT DOES! If your baby died it was for a REASON! Isabella did not die because God needed an angel (well, perhaps she did, but that's a religious viewpoint), Isabella died because my body produces an anti-body. This anti-body attacks the placenta until eventually it breaks it down. At 23 weeks gestation, my body won the battle against the foreign object that was my daughter. The reality of it is that my Bells died because my body failed her. I've come to terms with that, as hard as it is. But I'm also smart enough to realize that there WAS a reason. We don't get to be naive just because we've lost kids. It doesn't work that way.
Perhaps I got a little too comfortable up there on my soapbox. I blame my papa for that, he's who I learn it from. I guess what my message in all of this is, is simply this: No, it's not easy to be a parent of a child who has died. They are easily forgotten, there are so many things we miss out on, it's sad, we are broken hearted. But just as the wounds of losing those close to us do, this heals. Time heals it...time makes it better. Stop being so negative about something which you can not change. What service is it doing to wallow in self pity? What good does it do to be angry and bitter? How are you being helped by alienating your self with entitlement and hatred? Thanks to a lot of soul searching, a trip, and the pushing of my family, I got in touch with God again. (That's a whole other blog post entirely, and one I've been toying with for months now.) But maybe that's not for you. Perhaps you don't believe in something bigger than yourself, or that your daughter could be in that place. As for me, I believe my daughter is in the lap of Jesus, who loves her better and more purely than I ever could. What on earth could be better than a life of peace, and perfection? Whatever you believe in, know this: The people who are offering condolences are doing the best they can. Don't get so caught up in your own grief and bitterness that you lose sight of the fact that you need ANYONE who is willing to listen, ANYONE who is willing to take the time to say ANYTHING about your child. Don't believe that? Take a day digging in the depths of bereavement forums. "I'm posting this here because i can't post it on my page, no one likes to hear me talk about my son." " I just wish someone would say her name." "Why does everyone cringe and get quiet when I talk about him?" Learn to be less bitter about your situation and more grateful for the things you DO have. Love, support, guidance. You could do with a lot worse, even if you don't believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe....you'll be in a better place too.
