Creepy Children

Tonight, I'm watching Chiller 13: Horrors Creepiest Kids. One thing you should know about me, is that i find children in horror movies to be terrifying. Seriously, they rock me to my core. If you really wanna get a rise out of me, and have me curled up, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, show me a movie with a creepy kid. Its been noted though, that the more the "creepy kid" thing is done, the less scary it becomes. So watching this show, I'm finding myself thinking: "these kids really aren't that scary." And then there's one. The same one who has been terrifying me for years, and no matter how old i get, or how old the movie becomes, it will always terrify me to my core. 
    The movie is "Pet Semetary". I'm not sure how many of you are horror buffs, or are familiar with this movie, but its STILL to this day, the scariest movie ever. At least in my book. In this movie, the father finds that the family cat has died, and takes to him to the place beyond the "pet semetary" where if he buries the cat, it will come back to life. It does, but it comes back psycho. Nutso kitty, and not good ju-ju. A little later into the movie, the little boy dies. Seriously hardest movie scene ever to watch. When his tiny little sneakers hit the pavement and bounce....ahhhh, melts my heart as a mother. So daddy....not being able to deal with his guilt says...ya know what i think i'll do, take my son to the same semetary that created demon cat, and bury him there. Thusly, terrifying psycho toddler is born. Gage is without a doubt THE MOST terrifying child on the planet. He doesnt even really have to try. He just stands there...with this look on his face that says "that's right. I'm going to kill you. But be careful, because i'm cute." Blehhhhh. 
     That though, isnt even the scariest part of the movie. The scariest part of the movie are the very few lines that this terrifying toddler speaks. "I played with Judd, and then i played with mommy, and now i wanna play with yoooooouuuuuuu." The hell you do! Its this tiny little voice, basically saying: "ive killed everyone else....and now its your turn." The thing about him being so small though, is that you cant find him! he can hide under the bed, behind the door, pretty much anywhere....and all you can really do is just stand there and wait for him to pop out....and it always scares the hell out of me. Even when i know he's about to do it. He ends up losing the battle, and daddy gets the better of him. Using some secret serum from his med-bag, he shoots little Gage in the neck, and saves everyone from imminent doom. We all celebrate! And then...he goes to find his wife, and guess what?! Takes her to the semetary too. Needless to say, no one lived through that event....and creepy little boy prevails. 
   Halloween is the time of year to over indulge in scary movies...when all the documentaries ABOUT scary movies come out, and its all a lot of fun. Tonight though, I'll be sleeping with one eye open, on MY toddlers....because you never really know when one of them is going to want to play. 

A Night To Remember

Today was a hard day for me. Most days like today are. I've been thinking about Bella a lot today,which is fitting because its just that kind of day. A lot of parents are quietly mourning the loss of their special angel babies. i didnt do the things we wanted to do to remember her. I wanted to release balloons and sit on the porch and talk to her. I wanted to tell her how much i miss her and remind her that she's still very much a part of everything i do. Instead, i went outside with the boys, and we blew bubbles to heaven. I asked everyone i love to also blow bubbles to heaven so she would know she was not forgotten. 


       What today DID do for me, more than anything, is make me think about the way i want to remember Bella on her birthday. I've been doing a lot of research about how to celebrate the birthday of a lost child. I've read about parents who have just visited the grave site and talked to their baby...and other parents threw a party. A celebration of family and friends, where they release balloons  and have cake, and its like a very real birthday party. Part of me thinks i want to do that. I want to have a remembrance celebration for her. i want to bake her a little cake, and release balloons, and take lots of pictures, because she was real, she was important, and her would be first birthday is pretty special. 


      I was trying to think of the best way to show her that we were all thinking of her today, and i also wanted to make it fun for the boys. So we made our own bubbles, which ended up being lots of fun. We made the bubbles green, which the Troll LOVED, although i wanted them to be pink (ya know, for a girl??) ahahah but of course i'm surrounded by too many little boys. We even went so far as to make our own bubble wands. We used pipe cleaners and made wands and then we went outside to blow bubbles to heaven. Everyone had a pretty good time, and I'm sure Bells felt close to us then. It was special to me that the Troll knew just what we were doing. It was an incredible moment. 

    I often think about how to keep her an active part of our lives, and then i tell myself, that i dont really have to try. The boys know her, they remember her, and they care for her. I am constantly loving and remembering her...so i think i do a pretty amazing job of keeping her part of our family without really putting an effort into it. And that, i think...is the most important thing. Her birthday will come around and we will do what feels right because that's the best thing we can do. This being a grieving parent thing is hard. Its hard to combine her with the life you have to continue living. But we do the best we can, and we have to know that somehow...it will all work out how its supposed to. <3

Well, here I am again. Sometimes blogging is a way to let out my frustrations, my feelings about life, my pain. Other times its just a way of talking about things that are going on in the world, things that are real. My blog today is about both. We are quickly approaching October 15th, which is, as most of you know, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Since I was 16 years old, this is a day that I have followed, celebrated, and acknowledged. Last year though, when my daughter was born...and i saw her, very much a person, with Jesus, and i could not take her home, the reality of what this day means hit home in a very serious way. There are a billion things i do in my everyday life to honor her, and to make sure she knows that she's such a huge part of my life, and who i am...but at some point, i have to figure out how to separate her, yet keep her close. How to acknowledge her life, yet live my own. That particular battle has been really hard for me...because...how do you suffer a loss so great and then just move on from it? How do you want something so bad, and have it ripped from your grasp....just as you get to meet it...and then just bounce back?

You Don't. 


But they don't really tell you that, do they? They tell you to move on, they tell you to "try again" as though a new child or new pregnancy will replace the child you lost. But it doesn't. You still long for the kicks that only she could make, and the comfort and peacefulness that came from knowing you were falling asleep with her safe inside your tummy. The grief, life without her in it- becomes the "norm" for your life. After the death of your child, you become forever changed. Its hard to even remember what your life was life before she was in it, before she died. I guess the real trick is to learn how to make it work without her. To embrace what she was, what she brought to my life, yet move on, and start our lives over again. Start to live, start to hope again, and start to love....i have to think that at the end of the day, that's what she would have wanted.