So here's what you missed:
This past weekend, I went away for the weekend to Flagstaff with the amazing women at Chandler Bible Church. It was a Women's Retreat. A time to get away from the children, husbands, and hassles of life and spend some time with God. We spent the weekend at Little America hotel, it was simply beautiful. That's to say the least, really. For me, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I knew that I was DEFINITELY nervous. What would these women think of me? Would they judge me a little because I don't know how to pray? Would they feel sorry for me because I don't have a relationship with God? Would they pity me for not knowing Christ the way they do? The way they always have? I went into this thing feeling very insecure, and really....uncomfortable. The first night was an ice-breaker. It was getting to know these women who I see every Sunday on a personal level. Sharing some little known facts about me, and learning some about them. Then we got into the thick of things with the beginning of our message. Our speaker, who is also the Worship Team leader of the church, is truly an amazing soul. She spoke in a way that made me feel like I could relate to her, and I immediately began to relax. Perhaps this thing wasn't going to be so scary after all. She spoke about Change, and the impact that God has in the changes in our lives. I felt myself nodding along as she was talking, taking interest in the scriptures she was referencing. At the end of the first night....I was hooked, and couldn't wait to hear more.
I'll stop here for a minute because I feel like I need to explain something. I have never been a believer in the Power of God. I never believed that he could move you. I never believed that he could cause you to feel something powerful in a song, or lead to you to read a certain passage in the bible. I scoffed at those who told me that the Lord spoke to them and told them to do something. I didn't believe it. Id never experienced it, therefore I didn't understand.
Day two of our retreat found me awake at 545. bright eyed and bushy tailed, I was ready to take on the day. I did my hair for the day, I put on makeup and was ready to walk out the door early enough to call and chat with my little loves before we left. I got down to breakfast which was amazing, and we did some team building games, that were silly and meaningful at the same time. we sang and worshiped, and then it was time for the second part of our message. I was taking notes, writing down questions, and readying myself for research as she was listing many other places to go in search for guidance. she shared personal stories, she was really holding my attention. After that session was prayer groups. I felt my heart sink a little because I am no good at praying. It always feels forced and awkward and its hard for me where it might not be for others. As we got started though, there was no pressure. No one was judging me because I didn't know how, they were guiding me to learn to be better. It was uplifting. When we were finished, I shared with my group a little about the things id been through, and the reason behind my failing faith. I could feel the weight coming off. I ignored it a little, because the skeptic in me still didn't believe that God could make me feel this way. We had another session, where I found myself really relating. She talked about talking yourself out of your circumstances and leaving your life to God. I stopped and thought about all id been going through. Hadn't I been drowning in a pool of pity? Hadnt I been selfishly making things all about me? Could it be that THIS was what everyone was talking about? Is this the feeling that Hes talking to you?That it wasnt coincidence, you were meant to hear it? hmmm.
That night we made jewelry, and spent the evening chatting and making friends. I felt happy, calm and peaceful. 3 things that I truthfully hadn't felt in a long time. During our 4 hour break, I took a walk in the woods and reflected on all that Id learned. Was I living a truly Christian life? No, I don't think I was. While I believed in Him, I didn't trust him. I didn't believe that he would provide. I believed I had to. I was akways making it about me. I could see that now. Sunday morning, I woke up feeling something different. I went to breakfast without many of the worries on my brain that you can usually find there. During worship, I sang those songs from my heart and I could FEEL the things I was always told I would. After our last session, we shared. This was my opportunity to get something off of my chest, and to feel free of what was holding me down. I talked about Bella. I said her name loud and proud, and I admitted out loud more to myself than anyone else that I HAD been angry at God. I HAD lost my trust in him. I wanted Him to hold me and instead He let me fall. I cried. Hard. It was that really ugly, really painful cry. And I thanked them. For allowing me to be who I am. For teaching me and allowing me to hear the words and realize that Bella fufilled her job on Earth. For giving me a safe and loving place to figure it all out on my own.
And so, I'm changed. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I will always fall short of the greatness and glory that is our Lord. But I am humbled. I realize that this life is not about me, but what he has in store for me. It is not for me to worry or fear, because it is out of my hands, it always has been. I am eager to learn more, eager to become closer to him, and to become the kind of Christian I want my children to be. I can never express to these women the gift they've given me, the impact they've had on my life. I'll be forever different because they took the time to care. And who knows, with my worries and troubkes with God....maybe I'll even be happy too.
I'll stop here for a minute because I feel like I need to explain something. I have never been a believer in the Power of God. I never believed that he could move you. I never believed that he could cause you to feel something powerful in a song, or lead to you to read a certain passage in the bible. I scoffed at those who told me that the Lord spoke to them and told them to do something. I didn't believe it. Id never experienced it, therefore I didn't understand.
Day two of our retreat found me awake at 545. bright eyed and bushy tailed, I was ready to take on the day. I did my hair for the day, I put on makeup and was ready to walk out the door early enough to call and chat with my little loves before we left. I got down to breakfast which was amazing, and we did some team building games, that were silly and meaningful at the same time. we sang and worshiped, and then it was time for the second part of our message. I was taking notes, writing down questions, and readying myself for research as she was listing many other places to go in search for guidance. she shared personal stories, she was really holding my attention. After that session was prayer groups. I felt my heart sink a little because I am no good at praying. It always feels forced and awkward and its hard for me where it might not be for others. As we got started though, there was no pressure. No one was judging me because I didn't know how, they were guiding me to learn to be better. It was uplifting. When we were finished, I shared with my group a little about the things id been through, and the reason behind my failing faith. I could feel the weight coming off. I ignored it a little, because the skeptic in me still didn't believe that God could make me feel this way. We had another session, where I found myself really relating. She talked about talking yourself out of your circumstances and leaving your life to God. I stopped and thought about all id been going through. Hadn't I been drowning in a pool of pity? Hadnt I been selfishly making things all about me? Could it be that THIS was what everyone was talking about? Is this the feeling that Hes talking to you?That it wasnt coincidence, you were meant to hear it? hmmm.
That night we made jewelry, and spent the evening chatting and making friends. I felt happy, calm and peaceful. 3 things that I truthfully hadn't felt in a long time. During our 4 hour break, I took a walk in the woods and reflected on all that Id learned. Was I living a truly Christian life? No, I don't think I was. While I believed in Him, I didn't trust him. I didn't believe that he would provide. I believed I had to. I was akways making it about me. I could see that now. Sunday morning, I woke up feeling something different. I went to breakfast without many of the worries on my brain that you can usually find there. During worship, I sang those songs from my heart and I could FEEL the things I was always told I would. After our last session, we shared. This was my opportunity to get something off of my chest, and to feel free of what was holding me down. I talked about Bella. I said her name loud and proud, and I admitted out loud more to myself than anyone else that I HAD been angry at God. I HAD lost my trust in him. I wanted Him to hold me and instead He let me fall. I cried. Hard. It was that really ugly, really painful cry. And I thanked them. For allowing me to be who I am. For teaching me and allowing me to hear the words and realize that Bella fufilled her job on Earth. For giving me a safe and loving place to figure it all out on my own.
And so, I'm changed. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I will always fall short of the greatness and glory that is our Lord. But I am humbled. I realize that this life is not about me, but what he has in store for me. It is not for me to worry or fear, because it is out of my hands, it always has been. I am eager to learn more, eager to become closer to him, and to become the kind of Christian I want my children to be. I can never express to these women the gift they've given me, the impact they've had on my life. I'll be forever different because they took the time to care. And who knows, with my worries and troubkes with God....maybe I'll even be happy too.
