Today I am faced with my inadequacies. My tired body that doesn't work the way it should, my exhausted mind that tells me often how pitiful and useless I am. I have no patience. I listen too little and yell too much. I try to be their everything and instead I am nothing.
This is not for the ego boost you will see it for, because I know you will all say the same thing: "You're such a great mom! The kids are lucky to have you!" What else would you say? You see their smiles, you see their laughter. You see them run and play and occasionally you see them after they slip and fall. But you only see what I show you. You only see the parts of our lives that I allow for.
You don't see the days when Alexandria has spent so much of the day crying that she is in her crib (still crying) and I am locked in my bathroom crying with her. You don't see the times I get so angry over a glass of spilled milk that when I step out of my body and look at myself, I look like a lunatic--and when I step back in, I can see the terrified faces of my children. You don't see the days I wake up crying because i know today will be the same as yesterday and tomorrow will too. You don't see the pictures of my tear stained cheeks because I'm alone. Because I'm lonely. Because I'm doing this alone. You don't see me hunting the house, screaming like a maniac at 630am looking for socks because I didn't do the laundry..again. You don't see these things because I don't show you. I don't show you all the millions of ways I fail these children every single day. I don't show you the millions of ways I fail my family, the ways I fail myself.
But today....today they hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around my house-at my children-at myself and realized I'm not doing them justice at all. They deserve so much more than this life....so much more than I could ever give them. Would Lizard act the way he does if I had 10 minutes to color a picture or play Thomas the train? Would Creeps have to ask me if I still love him because there's just no time for him anymore? Would Woogie want to be here if here was fun? Would Bert be quite so far behind if I gave her the time and attention she needed without wishing I were doing something else? Would Lissy smile more often...like she used to if I didn't yell at her for just being one? There is no end to the amount of love I feel for them, or to the number of things I would do to make them happy. I'm smart enough now to realize though that I can never give them those things. I can never be that person. Its a pill I need to swallow, and then...move on.
Im tired. My body, my mind, and my heart are tired. I'll keep trying to prove I'm good enough. To you, to them...and maybe someday even to myself.
"Im still here, until I'm gone. Dont you rub in too hard that I've been wrong...all these years."
