Christmas

Its that time again, so Hello Everyone! :) Sunday was Christmas, and all 3 of our babies raked in the toys. The Troll and the Imp got the things they asked for, and then some, and little miss Wilbur got plenty to keep her busy. More lip gloss than should  be legal. I do think i'll be stealing some of that...she won't notice...right? Us adults didn't really do Christmas this year, for lack of funds. Although, when i sit back and look at it, we probably could have gotten the children HALF of what we got them, still had them giddy for Santa, and each had something quite nice to open Christmas morning. Yea, Santa was a little Spendy this year. Our pocket books definitely noticed.

What I'm finding to be the most entertaining about this picture is that this isnt even the BEST view of everything we have under the tree. It was MADNESS all the presents that were under there....and ALL for the kids. Santa needs a leash next year! The little ones had a BLAST though, which was really important to us. I spent Christmas Eve with the babies, and we were busy baking. We made cookies, cupcakes, and frosting from scratch, and decorated our candy canes, snowmans, and gingerbread folks. We went WAY in depth with it, and I let the little ones dye the cake batter different colors, and roll and cut their own cookie dough. it definitely drew out the process a bit, but it was a lot of fun. In the end, the kids were happy and i was too. There were purple, pink, blue, and more blue cupcakes, and they were YUMMY.

After the baking was over, we all got into our Christmas PJ's and snuggled in bed. I popped popcorn, and made hot cocoa, and we laid in bed watching Christmas cartoons until the babies were tired. This was always a tradition in my house, and its something i'll always do with my boys, and my baby girl, regardless how old they get. It was something I always looked forward too, and i hope someday they will. Once they were nice and sleepy, we went into the kitchen, picked out our cookies, chopped up our carrots, poured our milk, and wrote our quick letter to Santa, (letting him know we'd left milk and cookies for him, and a carrot for the reindeer) and then the babies went off to bed. I tucked them in, gave them kisses, and waited for them to fall asleep. It was nearly time for Santa to come.

We got all the presents under the tree and the stockings stuffed, and then it was time for us to go to sleep. It was a super fun night with the kids, but i was definitely ready for bed when the time came. The kids woke up, so excited that Santa had come, and we started our morning off reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Once that was over, we took our spots on the floor, and the opening presents commenced. There are about a billion pictures of THAT taking place, and excitement was hard to contain. I can't fit pictures of everyone, but i WILL post one of our faves from the morning. 

Can hardly contain the smiles, right? Yea, i have the hardest time looking at it without smiling. That little boy could like up a room. This is my imp. Precious little thing. LOVE him. After presents, there was cleaning up wrapping paper and LOTS of playing. The boys rode their new bikes all over the driveway, but my baby girl was missing, it was time for her to go back to her mom. The imp was very pleased about his Buzz Bike, and STILL talks about it like its all the rage. 

Can we say....stop taking pictures so we can ride our bikes, mom? They can! :) Needless to say, Christmas  was a hit this year. Later that night Momma made the most AMAZING ham, it was mouth-watering...and that's the PG-13 description. Everything was really great actually. Grandma made some cheesy hashbrowns that were fantastic, I made green bean casserole, and D made pumpkin rolls. It was a small, simple, dinner, but it was family, and it was awesome. We lit Bella's candle, and said grace...it was the perfect end to an amazing holiday. I could not have gone to bed possibly feeling more blessed. What a lucky, lucky girl I am. So that's Christmas, probably more than you cared to know, but hey, its my blog! LOL. 

So, on to the other stuff. We are halfway into our sixth week, and will be moving into our 7th when we go to our appointment on Friday. So far, nothing new to report, just that I am very tired. No nausea this time around, which is wonderful! And indication that perhaps this one is a girl? Cross our fingers, PLEASE? I have the traditional flu, which is nothing if not expected. I refuse to ever be pregnant without getting a cold, and i did! But i'm handling it ok. The biggest concern is the fever that i can't seem to shake. The Dr's are saying that it should be below 100, and i can't get it down that low. If it stays high too much longer, we'll have to go to the ER...and i really dont want to do that. Other than that though, there's nothing else to report. I'll be doing another small post on Friday, to let everyone know what we found on the ultrasound. Until then, See ya! :)

Trying Again...

Well, chances are, if you're reading this, you know that I'm expecting a new little addition to our family. I chose to keep my darling Isabella to myself, and that's a decision that i have long regretted. For this pregnancy, I knew that regardless the outcome, i knew i had to have everything out in the open. I had to make sure people knew about this one, and that they love it as i love it. 
   You see, this pregnancy is a little bittersweet for me. Its hard to describe it, although i'll take a crack at it, i supposed. When i found out i was pregnant, the first thing i felt was incredible excitement. The next thing i felt...was fear. I thought about our situation, as it was, and i'll admit, i was a little nervous. More than that though, i remembered my Bella, and she was a reminder of everything that COULD go wrong. Of course, what are the odds it'd happen twice?? Yea, i know, but still--its there. Another thing i feel...quite often is..unsure. How do i keep her memory alive whilst i love another baby? Loving this little life i have growing inside of me feels like a dis-service to the memory of my angel baby. It feels like i can't love them both, and that's a hard feeling to deal with. I feel sometimes as though if i give myself fully to this child, that i will forget about the one who came before. How do i keep her light alive in my life and still be excited and interested in the life i have growing inside of me? In addition to worrying that i will not put enough emphasis on my Bella, i also worry that i will put too much emphasis on her. Will this new baby feel constantly overshadowed by the memory of her older sister? Will she feel this memory is forced upon her, as we try always to keep Bella alive in our family and in our hearts? I'm not entirely sure how to keep it from happening, and if i'll even know when it does...blahh, i don't know. 
      I'll be keeping a weekly update of my progress here on the blog, so that those of you who care can keep up, and i don't have to totally bombard my Facebook with pregnancy updates. So far, we know that there are signs of an anti-body in my system that has the potential to terminate a pregnancy. For this reason, they re-did the blood work and we'll be going back in to see if it's something i'll have to be medicated throughout the pregnancy for. For right now, we're just thrilled that they caught it, and are hoping that if its an issue, we can take the steps to resolve it right away. Because of this, and because of the loss of Bella, they have referred me to a doctor that specializes in high risk obstetrics and we'll be seeing them twice a month throughout the pregnancy, and having ultrasounds just as frequently. We're excited to get to see our little on so often, and happy to know that this time, we will be well monitored. This is all we really have to report right now, we're just feeling really blessed to be expecting this new little love. 
       A lot of love and appreciation goes out to my family this month, for being amazing. As many of you know, momma and papa (rich and gina, for those of you who don't know) have offered their home to my family in an attempt to help us get on our feet, and things together. We are going into this pregnancy, with amazing love and support, and i know that is going to make all the difference in the world. My mom, as well as my dad, have both been insanely supportive of me, and that's important. Things aren't easy right now, but i'm breathing a little better knowing i'm surrounded by so many people who love me. There are only 3 days until Christmas, and this year, i couldn't feel more blessed. My mom, dad, and brother will be missing from this years festivities, and i'm not a fan of that...but my boys will be opening presents for ages, and we'll be comfortable and warm. I'm counting my blessings often this year, as a reminder that no matter how hard things get, we always have each other. Until next week though, i hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! :)

My babies

I know i haven't written in awhile, things have been, to say the least, busy. I don't much know where my life is headed, but I know that where ever I go, I will always be surrounded by the ones I love. I've been having a hard time these last few days trying to find something to write about, because blogging requires a certain spark. You can't just start writing and hope something comes to you, otherwise you just babble. Kind of like i'm doing right now. One of the things i HAVE been thinking about lately though, are my little boys....who are...decidedly not so little anymore, and i'm not so sure i like that too much.

My troll, my oldest, is a preschooler. Seriously? Next year he'll be in Kindergarten and i'm holding onto him like he's going to college. I just watch him in his everyday life, and listen to him talk and i simply can't believe that this smart, amazing person came from me. It boggles my mind just looking at the person he's become, and he's still got a lot more to do. i just know as he gets older, he is going to continue to make me as proud as he makes me everyday. We have a routine now. He goes to school, i pick him up, and he tells me little parts of his day. "we had pizza for lunch mom, but i didnt eat my veggies." or "we learned about the letter c today mom. Did you know c says "ssssss"?" i answer his questions, but in my mind i'm crying. I'm so insanely proud of the way he's growing up.

My little imp, my baby....is two. He's in the two's room at school and is making friends. Its bittersweet because i'm SO glad he's meeting other children his age, but at the same time, hearing him say "friends" makes me feel like he's growing up way too fast. This is made even more clear to me by the fact that he is now telling me that he has to go potty. Its like...turning to a page in a book that i'm not interested in reading. Slow down little guy, mommy wants you to be little forever! He's talking so much now. He's doing it much slower than his brother did, but it definitely makes me proud to see him making progress. That's a pretty big deal at his age. I know that school will be good for him, but boy do i hate to see him getting to big. Its kind of hard to take in.

Taking them to "school" has been an experience for me. Its hard with their age difference, because i have to be on both sides of the mommy hurt. On the Troll's side, he can't wait to get rid of me, and that hurts. we get inside the building and he takes off "Guhbye mom!" and off he goes. He doesnt like to give me kisses in front of his friends anymore, and i always get the forehead. In all honesty, i hardly even get a hug anymore! Its nice to see him making friends and becoming independent, but i wasn't expecting to stop getting kisses quite so soon! The imp though, is on the other side of the spectrum, and he doesn't like me to leave, which also hurts. We walk in and he cries, when i kiss his cheek and go to leave him, he clings to me, "go home mommy go home". I knew to expect it, but that sure didnt make it any easier when he started doing it. It broke my heart! He's getting better now, everyday, but still doesnt like it when either me or his dad drops him off. I'm hoping that with time, that wont be quite so bad either, but only time will tell.

My babies are growing up, and it just reminds me that one day soon, it will be just me and D in the house. It takes me back to when i moved out of my mom's house....how empty and quiet i'm sure the house felt. Who knows, maybe they loved it...maybe i will too. I've always wanted children, always dreamed of this day, the day when my house would echo with the pitter patter of little feet, of the shrieks and squeals of my babies playing. It does now, and i love that. I wonder how i'll feel about it when its gone. Hahaha, i guess its kind of funny that preschool brings me to this place. Next thing you know it, i'll be worried about weddings and all that other stuff too. I guess all i can do for now is just enjoy these moments. These special little milestones that make watching them grow up worth the pain. And when they're older, i'll get to do it all over again when they have children. Only those ones....go home when they're screaming...and that....is something to look forward to! :)

Thoughts-

Hmm...well Thanksgiving Day came and went rather uneventfully this year. We spent the day cooking dinner, as we usually do. We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and two of the 3 football games of the day. It wasn't a bad day, but it surely was lacking. My family was missing (mom, dad, brother, various other relatives) and D's family was missing (faith, Dezi, Gramma, and other various relatives) and my baby girl was missing. This hit my particularly hard yesterday as we lit her candle and had dinner with her beside us. It made it very real that rather than holding her whilst we struggled to eat turkey, we were simply remembering her. Not a very good day for mommy. I wrote to her last night...simply to let her know i loved her...and that i was thinking of her...and that this holiday without her, hurt. All these things i'm certain she already knew, yet...i told her anyways. After we finished with dinner, the kitchen was cleaned up, the leftovers put away, and then we went outside to blow bubbles. It absolutely warms my heart that the troll knows and fully understands why we do this. He does his very best to make sure his bubbles make it to his sister, and he even made sure to tell her he loved her, and "Happy Thanksgiving". Ahh the young hearted.

Today, being Black Friday, the streets are busy with holiday shoppers, in a hurry to make their early Christmas purchases. Black Friday makes people mean, for a day that is supposed to be focused around the holidays, it sure doesn't bring out the spirit of things. All over the news you hear stories. A lady pepper sprayed someone in Walmart, injuring at least 20 people, while another woman was shot while trying to get into a store. Are people really this desperate? I dunno, it seems that a time which used to be for family and friends, is now for materials and things. Its about greed and spoils rather than being together. It honestly quite irritates me. How can we expect our children to be different, when we are displaying the very qualities that we DON'T want them displaying? How can we expect them to change the world when they are following our poor example? And don't get me wrong, that's not to say that all parents partake in this, or that we're all terrible people. Its just to say that there's so much bad in the world, can the good really make any difference? Ah, the age old question i guess...to which there really is no answer.

Christmas decorating will be starting at our house this weekend....and the troll couldn't be more excited. As I've mentioned before, this Christmas is going to be a little bittersweet for me. I spoke about the bitter part, but now about the sweet. My little troll is just getting to the age where he knows and understands what Christmas is about. Last year, he wrote a letter to Santa, but didn't quite understand why he was doing it. This year though, he is already excitedly asking to write his letter, making sure to tell me what things he wants to add to his list. He's at a really fun age and i'm looking forward to the excitement that comes from the festivities this year. As for my little imp, he actually gets to spend Christmas with me this year, which is hugely exciting for me. Last year, he woke up on Christmas morning at his father's house, which meant that he missed out on the cookies and milk from Santa  and the "letter" that he left for the boys, as well as the half eaten carrots that Rudolph left behind. He did get to write his Christmas letter, that was one of the things that we all did together. This year, we are going to paint our own Christmas ornaments, and hang them on the tree. Christmas morning we will wake up, open our presents, blow our bubbles to Bella, and celebrate our holiday as a family. I look forward to that.

Holidays at our house tend to be pretty broken, and that saddens me. I know that the troll and the imp should be together for such events, but because of the decisions made by their fathers and i, that will never be. It frustrates me because i feel like we miss out on so much of that whole-ness that should come with the holidays. While they are always fun, and i always enjoy the time with my troll, things just arent the same without my baby imp. Its like having family time without the whole family. Well, it isn't LIKE that, it IS that. Its hard to know that he's being left out of so much. I often wonder if he gets to celebrate with his dad the way we celebrate here, his father has never been much for holidays--that's always sort of been my thing. It makes me wonder if he's missing out. Some of the most fond memories of my holidays include my brother, it makes me think that perhaps something is being taken from him that he won't get to have those too. Or-maybe i'm being paranoid.

I guess I've been spoiled in my relationship with the troll. Since his father has never really played an active part in his life, I've never had to share him with anyone. I don't have to worry about holidays, and birthdays, he's always with me. Occasionally, he'll be with his Nana, but that's just fine with me, because since she's down the road, and she's Nana, i get to just go spend those days with them together.  He gets to spend time here, with his momma, and his brother, where he belongs. With my imp though, i have had 50-50 custody of him pretty much ever since his dad left. There have been a few times that I've had him more often, depending on school, work, and personal schedules, but for the most part, its pretty even. This means that there have been and will be numerous holidays, birthdays and family celebrations that he'll miss, and that i'll miss spending with him. Truthfully, that eats me alive. I so wish there were some way to make that better, to be able to have him in my arms all the time. I hate each time that i have to say goodbye to him, and every time he gets left out of something that he should be here for. I hope as he gets older it gets easier, but i'm not thinking its going to. For this year though, I'll hold on tight to my babies, celebrate Christmas with them, teach them about Santa, read them "Twas The Night Before Christmas", Watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and go to sleep in our Christmas jammies. We'll bake Christmas cookies, and leave letters out for Santa Clause, and enjoy our time together, however short, as a family...as we should be.

Love

Its been nearly 10 years since I started dating the Troll's father. Believe me when i say, that i never expected the impact that he would have on my life, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. He did, in fact though, change quite a lot of things about my life. He was my first love. He was my first...a lot of things. He taught me about love, he taught me about caring about someone else. He and i were...fantastically terrible for each other. We loved one another so intensely, so surely, so fully, and yet...it was puppy love. It was the kind of love that we thought would last forever, we even WANTED it to last forever, but fate knew it never would. We parted ways after five years, leaving me with the feeling that fate had cheated me...and all of this, was just a cruel joke. 


I bring this up because two things came from this young love. Two things came from this relationship, this friendship. Firstly, my beautiful little boy, who is now 4 years old, and so smart. He is, as far as looks go, the spitting image of that man, whom i knew what seems like so long ago now. In personality, i see it, from time to time, but i like to think he's growing more like me, as he grows older and more mature. The second thing that came from this relationship was the amazing and incredible bond that formed with his mom, Gina. What can i really say about Gina? She has been a constant love, support, and strength in my life since i was 15 years old. She's always been there, always loved me, and always understood me. She and i have had a fall out or two, but in the end, we always find our way back to each other. 


There are a few major and defining moments in our life, and i think of those today. Many years ago, when i was 16, I was made to make a decision that i was NOT happy with. I didn't like it, and my bf didn't like it, and she didn't like it. However, i listened to the words of others and made a decision that day that changed my life. I don't really need to elaborate on the decision itself, as i'm sure she knows what i'm referring to. It was a difficult experience for all of us, and its something that we never really forgot. After that, she and i didn't talk for awhile, and i didn't blame her. She was angry, i was angry, and a saddened part of me thought that i'd never really talk to her again. Eventually though, we moved past that time, and started to rebuild our relationship. It had, by no means, gone away, because nothing ever does that to us. There were about a billion trials and tribulations between me and her son after that, but no matter how he acted, she always loved me, and supported me. 


When i was 18 years old, just turned, in fact, i called her, and  S and told a tale of teen angst. "oh my parents are so terrible, and they did this, or that". I think it was that they'd grounded me, for one of the 500 things i did wrong. She piped up quickly, so move out, and move in with us. Seriously, we'll come get you. I was hesitant, because i knew what it would do to my mom, and how my dad would feel...i knew it would be hard to leave. S got back on the phone, and said "seriously, if you don't want to be there, come here, i'm on the way." So i packed up what few things i could fit into his little civic, and wrote a note to my Momma, and we drove away. From that moment on, Miss Gina truly was my Momma. I believe what made her so special to me was the way she always supported me. No matter what the decision. During the time we lived together...we had, about a billion adventures, far to colorful for this blog, i'm afraid...but again, she knows what i mean. After awhile, her son and i moved out, but we visited often, and made still more memories. My favorite pictures from my senior prom were taken at her house, by her, lovingly, and they're pictures that i cherish to this day. She's a part of all the memories of being a teenager that i hold most dear. 


One year later, after i'd graduated, and gone off to basic training, i came home. Her son was dating something else, and things seemed to be pretty serious. However, as things with he and i always were, we found each other again. Wrong as i was, it didn't matter that he was with someone else, and it didn't matter that we weren't together, and probably never would be again. All that mattered, was that whatever it was, it was still there. So we flung, a lot, LOL. And the week before Christmas in 2007, i was blessed with a beautiful baby. We didn't know at the time that we were, or that he was a boy, all we knew was that he was. 4 weeks later, on the phone with Momma Gina, i said to her "I'm having people. " And she never once asked me if it was his, and she never once doubted me. She excitedly said "let me know when you know for sure." and from that moment on, was every bit as dedicated to this baby as i was, regardless whether or not he was going to be. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after i found out, Gramma Marilyn passed away. This did two things for my life. The first thing, it drove S away from me, and officially into the arms of the woman he was dating. It was that week that i realized...i was going to to be raising this baby by myself. And i also realized...that that was ok with me. Because no way in hell was i letting him go. It was definitely an option, at least for him (because what guy wants to tell his girlfriend "i got my ex girlfriend pregnant while we're still together") but it wasn't ever an option for me. The second thing, that came of it was that me and Momma Gina became THAT much closer. It was an absolute honor when she asked me to sit with the family during the memorial service, and even more so when she asked me to sing. Few people know the way she does what singing does for me. That event brought us closer than we'd ever been before...and only she and i really know why.


After that is the obvious thing, i suppose, the birth of my little troll. She wasn't there, with me, but she was the first text message i sent, and i was so excited to share pictures of my little one with her. She was just as excited as i was, if not more so. Unfortunately, because of unforeseen circumstances, she did not get to meet this special little boy until he was already 2. She watched our little guy grow up in pictures, and i know how hard it was for her. She never complained though, she just commented, and watched...always quietly keeping an eye on me, and loving me from a distance. Finally, in June of 2009, she got to meet him, and the minute they set eyes on each other, it was love. They've been inseparable ever since, and we love it that way. In November, we moved to Arizona to try to make things work with my ex, but that didn't wind up happening. During this time , we both helped each other. I helped her recover from her stroke, clean up her house, and feed her well, and she helped me get over the loss that i suffered when my ex left me. Again. She saw the tears in my eyes and the hurt on my face when Jason asked him not to go, and she held me when i cried. She was always good for things like that. 


Eventually, i moved out, and she met an amazing man, who has also become an important part of my life. This post has me thinking about the way things used to be, how we got here. Momma Gina has been my strength, and support. She is one of the people whose opinion means the most to me in the world. Recently, when i got my new job, i proceeded with caution telling people until i was pretty confident that i'd get the job. When i told her and Papa that i had gotten the job, she expressed how insanely proud of me they were. It occurred to me then, as it often does, that these two are some of the most important in my life...and i aspire to always make them proud of me. I may not always do things the way they think i should, or the way they think is best, but regardless they support me, and love me, and that's the most important thing, i think. I consider myself so blessed to have them in my life, today, and everyday.

Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and there is much to be thankful for. In the recent years, we have completely skipped from Halloween to Christmas, and because of this, Santa and his reindeer adorn the houses around the neighborhood, and  Christmas trees, lights, and displays consume our department stores. Thanksgiving is little now besides the day before Black Friday. A day where football plays on TV, the Macy’s day parade is filled with floats, and you get to fatten up on Turkey and all the fixin’s. Thanksgiving used to be a legitimate holiday. Is used to be about being thankful for what you have. Celebrating your blessings and surrounding yourself with family. It’s not longer about those things, it’s hardly there at all. I think back to Thanksgiving last year, and it saddens me a bit. Holidays this year are going to be a little bittersweet. While I know that I have much to be thankful for, my holidays are sadly lacking in one very serious department…and it occurs to me that I didn’t even really realize it until yesterday. At Toys R Us yesterday, I was really in the Christmas spirit. Busily looking through shelves of toys, trying to decide what the perfect presents for my boys would be. “Oh the troll would like this” and “hey, the imp would freak over that” were sounds heard quite frequently from me. I made a decision early on in the holiday planning that I wasn’t going to go hog wild on toys this year. I mean, I have an ENTIRE play room that’s dedicated to their toys. Believe me when I tell you that 95% of the time, you can’t even walk in there. It’s definitely time to get rid of the old toys that just litter the floor, and never get played with. Truth be told though, I’m one of those moms who never gets rid of anything. LOL. I say that it’s because they might want to play with it, but let’s be honest, it’s really because I’m a pack rat, and to me, things have sentimental value. THINGS remind me of a time. And a big part of me often feels if I get rid of those things, I’ll forget….but, I digress. Back to my point! As I walked through the aisles and aisles of toys, I realized quickly that only picking a few toys for them was going to be no easy task! How would I decide who wanted what more, and more importantly, how do I keep them from fighting over everything? So we documented our choices and then moved on. And that’s when it happened. Yes, it. Walking from the toys into the clothes, I saw a little outfit…about 12 months: “My First Christmas”. And it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, with a sharp end designed specifically for my heart.  My First Christmas.  Holy Hell, it would have been, right? I was quickly drug from my happy, excited, shopping mood into this other thing. Drowning with grief, looking at dresses that she’d never wear, shoes that would never be hers. Passed by the girls toys that I’d never be buying for her, and it occurred to me that this was about to become VERY real. And was I ready for that? See, all this time, I’d been quietly dreading her first birthday. I’ve yet to decide how to mark the occasion, but it’s something that’s always on my brain…it never came to mind that BEFORE I had to mark THAT occasion, I had to survive 3 others. I had to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years…all holidays that she should be here with us to celebrate. I won’t lie, it’s a little daunting. I’m not sure how to feel about it, and although I know it’s going to hurt, I’m preparing myself to be strong. Not because I can’t cry, or grieve her, but because while she’s missing, it’s still a happy and beautiful occasion for the two boys I DO have, the two that eagerly look forward to Santa and family dinners. And for them, it’s still has to be amazing.
In an effort to make sure she was incorporated in our holiday season though, we picked out a Christmas ornament for her. It’s so amazingly, perfectly her, and I’m excited to add it to the tree when we finally do put it up. There are plenty of quiet and careful ways to remember her, to not take anything away from my boys, yet never forget my girl. Thanksgiving day, we will sit out on our porch, and just like we always do, and blow bubbles to heaven. We’ll light her candle through dinner, and make sure she knows she’s there, and that she’s loved. It saddens me to know that she’s not there in body, but I have no doubt that she’s always here in spirit, and regardless what anyone else thinks or feels, I will always include her, I will always love her, and I will always say her name. I guess the reality is, that there will always be something that is going to be a reminder of what she isn’t here to do. All we can really do is think of her fondly, and remember that for everything she can’t do, my boys are doing 2 new things. And that’s pretty special.

So ya know, the holidays this year are definitely going to be different, but I’m not sure that has to be a bad thing. It will be both a happy, celebratory experience, and a time to take pause, think of those we’ve lost, and be thankful for those we have. Perhaps losing Bells has taught me a little more about holding dear what I do have. I just have to remember to smile and tell myself “I don't need an angel on my Christmas tree. There is one in heaven looking down on me.”  And from this christmas on, never will an angel adorn the top of my tree, the one I have looking down on me is so much more beautiful.

To Be...Mommy

Things lately have been pretty hectic....to say the least. I have been working all day, going to school at night, and by the time i get home, most nights, all i really wanna do is sit in front of the TV, and indulge in a Criminal Minds marathon, after a LONG, hot bath and a ice cold soda! Most nights I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, and up into my lap climbs a little boy. In his hand, he carries a coloring book and two crayons. Just two. He looks up at me with the most gorgeous brown eyes that i've ever seen and says to me "cower mom". I stop for a second, and weigh my options. On one time, what i wanted to say was "mommy is so tired honey, we'll do it tomorrow"...but then i thought to myself 'what are the odd that tomorrow, i'm not going to be just as tired?" And i looked at him, for a long moment and smiled. Because i realized that this...is what they live for. The time spent with the ones they love. Because right now...that's all they have. So i take the book, climb onto the floor, and we color. After coloring, its time for baths, and jammies, and bed...things that i once took for granted getting to do with them, that i now wish i could do more often. Perhaps i'll have to work on that. Its just so hard finding time when there isnt any...but that's what they need. Even if it's just a little.

This brings me to my next thought. Being a parent...is sometimes pretty damn hard. It starts from the minute you take that test (or hear that your significant other has). I'm Pregnant. Two simple words, which can change your life forever. I believe that each child is a blessing, and happens for a reason. I believe in hope, in miracles, and in faith. I know though, that it can be overwhelming at times, and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Raising children is HARD. It is. They have to be fed, and clothed and housed, and warm. They want toys, and books and games, and they want those things MOST when you just can't afford them. But I find that when it comes to children, you will always find a way. No matter how hard it is, you always make it happen. Because you have to. Because that little life, relies on you. After nine (well, ten really) months of baby baking (which is ALSO hard work!), you come to the moment of truth-giving birth! One of the most difficult yet rewarding experiences there is. Period. Dot. Decimal. Its an experience all its own, that's for sure. The first time you see that timy little face, those little hands, those tiny feet, and realize that this person BELONGS to you....you are forever changed. You look into their little face and realize that you have NEVER loved like this before, and begin to question IF, in fact, you ever really knew what love was. And then you realize that none of that matters, because this is Real.  This is unconditional, and its never going to go away. What could really be better than that? When the troll came into the world, he was greeted by a host of friends and family! And i remember the first time i saw him...he looked like a little gremlin, but damnit, he was MY little gremlin. I had grown him, and nurished him, and loved him, and his little face brought me to tears. Yes, this was MINE, finally someone who would not let me down. My little imp, alternatively made his debut privately...with just me and my mom in the room. He was very early, and very quiet. And i remember thinking the same about him. No one in the world is every going to love me like they do. And no one has yet.

I remember not too long after i had the Imp, and in the times while i was pregnant with him, wondering to myself what my life would be like if i didnt have kids. When the bills got to be more than i could handle, and there just wasnt enough food to feed everyone...i'd get down. And i'd go to that place. The place where life was "simple" and there was just me to take care of. But after that ultrasound where i SAW his heart beating, i saw him moving, and i heard them say "its a boy!", any time i thought about my life without them in it, it didnt feel right. No, instead, it felt decidedly lacking! I mean sure, i'd have more money, i'd have food in the house...i could afford to get my nails and hair done, and be high maintenance...but i'd missing out on THEM. And how could that ever be right? How could any life that doesnt involve them be okay? Its funny the way these things work, because i never realized how completely they would own me, until they did. Those moments when you're covered in throwup, from a particularly long night, running on zero sleep, and trying to get that damn fever down are the times when you feel the most INTENSE love. Its those kisses on a feverish forehead, wiping salty tears away from very upset faces, and soothing a tummy ache by rubbing little bellies. Its running around playing "tag" at the park, birthday parties at chuck e cheese, the first time they learn to swing, slide down the slide, and climb the ladder. Its football in front of the house...and watching them squeal with excitement when they catch it. They're feelings and emotions that you just can't get anywhere else...they're special. And so worth all the trials and tribulations that may accompany them.

If you are fortunate, after that long nine months, you get to take that beautiful baby home...and experience those things. Sometimes though, you dont. And believe me when i say that getting over the death of a child is just something you dont do. And burying that child, going home without her...is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Celebrating a life that was never truly lived is unparalleled. Every day, i look at my wall, full of memories of my Bella girl, and i feel cheated. Angry. Hurt. Why did GOd bless me with this gift, if only to take it from me...it always seems so unfair. And then i feel guilt. Why didnt i try harder, why didnt i fight harder? Why didnt i MAKE them keep a closer eye on her, on me? Why didnt i MAKE them admit me...to take care of her? Why did i hang my head, and give up so easily on something that i wanted to so badly? That guilt follows me everywhere i go...and i long to join her again...so i can be relieved of it. There are times, caught up in the grief, that i think i'll never recover...because i miss her just that much. She was something i'd always wanted, and hoped for....and i lost her. And i can't help but think that there was something i could have done differently. Its hard to walk away from that. But at some point...amidst all the guilt, i look at my two boys, and i remember hope. I see them and i tell myself that with everything else in life that is hard, loving them is ALWAYS easy.

And this, i guess...is what it means to be a parent.

Hope

I follow this blog, fairly religiously. Everyday i read her posts (well, when they come everyday), i follow her story, her loss, her hurt, her faith, her newest pregnancy, and her faith. As many of you know, I didn't take the loss of my daughter very well. The troll and the Imp are my life, and i love them, with every fiber of my being, no denying that...but through both of their pregnancies, i prayed for a girl. A beautiful little girl, with dark hair and dark eyes, a mischievous smile, and bouncing pigtails. I finally had that little girl i had been dreaming of. I heard her heartbeat and saw her ultrasounds, and i watched her grow. I had pictures, and i had video, and my heart was full to nearly exploding. Never has a mother ever felt as much love as i felt that day the Dr told me i was having a "hamburger" rather than a "hotdog". Both of my pregnancies were pretty typical, i had no reason to believe this one would be any different, and then...suddenly, at 23 weeks, i lost my sweet baby girl, to placenta previa (an abruption), and instead of dressing her up, and playing with her hair, i buried her.

And That's Real.

But not too long after losing Bella, i found this blogspot. And i read this story. And reading those words made me cry. I snuggled with my blanket, pulled all the way up to my chin, and i cried. I cried for her, for her husband, for myself...for my loss. I read that blog nearly non-stop until i was caught up. I read the eulogy, i saw the pictures...and i felt like i knew this sweet baby boy, this fighter. As the days went on, i learned more and more about the mama that was writing this blog. And I learned more and more about her newest pregnancy. We followed closely, praying for positive ultrasounds, and anxiously anticipating finding out if her angel baby was going to have a brother or a sister. What came from stumbling upon this blog...was that now...i had something to look forward to, something to hope for. Her blogs are raw, and intense, and emotional. Her pictures (while amazing) are rough around the edges, and they're real. They depict things that people don't want to think about (tiny coffin, for instance?), but they tell a story. A story of hope, of faith, of trying again.

And That's Necessary.

What this blog taught me was that it's ok to move on. It doesn't mean that i dont miss her everyday. It doesnt mean that she's not just as big a part of my life and my family as she ever was. It doesnt mean that i've forgotten her...it just means that now...i can use her as an instrument in my life...a way to watch her brothers, a way to watch me. It taught me that its ok to say her name. It's okay to scream her name from the rooftops.

ISABELLA!

She was REAL. She was MY daughter, and my world. And i loved her. Regardless whether i ever met her or not. This mama taught me the importance of making room for all of my children, of trying again...to maybe have another child, and of learning How to Love Them Both. And, in my mind, at least. This is a pretty big deal. This blog, this mama, this love...taught me about hope. It took me out of that dark place i was in, that hole, and it taught me how to be whole again. How to be a mother again to my boys.. How to not be completely consumed by the hurt and the grief...how to celebrate that fact that her life even WAS rather than grieve that it's not anymore. I'm not sure she'll ever really know how she touched my life. I'm not sure she'll ever realize how MANY lives she likely touches each day...but she changed mine. And...at a time when i was pretty sure that God had finally given me something i COULDN'T overcome, she saved me.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Arrite, I'll admit it. I'm nervous. Really nervous. Its been several years since I've had a job. I'm not sure I'm even still GOOD at this stuff anymore. I'd like to think I am, that its like riding a bike, but its really hard to know for sure. Don't get me wrong though, I'm very excited about the idea of having a job. This is going to be something that is just mine. It doesn't involve D, or the boys, its just for me. Its mine to be either really good at or really bad at, but whatever I do, I'm taking it on alone....and that's a pretty big deal. In addition to that, I'm hoping it gets me out of this slump I'm in, and past the ho-hum, hum-drum of the day to day life I'm living now. It'll definitely be something that is going to take a toll, on me though. I'm just not used to being away from my boys anymore. They are all I have, the center of gravity in my life. I'm not sure how well i'll handle not seeing them so much. I'm not so sure how they're going to handle it either. In addition to going to work, I'll also still be tackling school full time. I know, it sounds like a lot to handle. I'm an Admin assistant from 0830-1600, and then from 1800-2200 I'm a student. From 2200-0730, I'm a mommy. And that's what my weeks will be like. The weekends will be full of squeezing in time with my babies...I'm not totally sure how it's going to work, I don't feel like I'm going to see them very much...i hope they still know how much i love and care about them, even though i'm not here all the time. The imp has a total meltdown when i have to leave for school, i hope he doesn't freak out about being left at daycare. I totally nailed the job interview though, which was awesome. I kind of feel sorry for the other lady, since they told me that they weren't even going to bother interviewing her, because i was so impressive. (I'm glad i got my interview FIRST! lol) Now my head is full of the future, trying to figure things out, and LOTS of shopping. Clothes to buy, and things to decorate my office. That's right....i have my own office. NOT a cubicle, or a space, i have an OFFICE. ahaha! I love that. Free to decorate however i want, and free to put pictures of my babies all over the place. i LOVE it. This is a pretty big step for me, with lots of opportunity. After 90 days, i'll get a pay raise, and full benefits, and that's pretty awesome. So--yea, i'm nervous. But i guess i just have to jump into this thing head first, and know that I can only be as good as i am. And that something about me has to have stood out if i got this job in the first place. I just have to remember that everything happens for a reason, and this is what's best for me and those boys...so i have to make it work. Failure is not an option. 


"Do or Do Not. There Is No Try."

Creepy Children

Tonight, I'm watching Chiller 13: Horrors Creepiest Kids. One thing you should know about me, is that i find children in horror movies to be terrifying. Seriously, they rock me to my core. If you really wanna get a rise out of me, and have me curled up, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, show me a movie with a creepy kid. Its been noted though, that the more the "creepy kid" thing is done, the less scary it becomes. So watching this show, I'm finding myself thinking: "these kids really aren't that scary." And then there's one. The same one who has been terrifying me for years, and no matter how old i get, or how old the movie becomes, it will always terrify me to my core. 
    The movie is "Pet Semetary". I'm not sure how many of you are horror buffs, or are familiar with this movie, but its STILL to this day, the scariest movie ever. At least in my book. In this movie, the father finds that the family cat has died, and takes to him to the place beyond the "pet semetary" where if he buries the cat, it will come back to life. It does, but it comes back psycho. Nutso kitty, and not good ju-ju. A little later into the movie, the little boy dies. Seriously hardest movie scene ever to watch. When his tiny little sneakers hit the pavement and bounce....ahhhh, melts my heart as a mother. So daddy....not being able to deal with his guilt says...ya know what i think i'll do, take my son to the same semetary that created demon cat, and bury him there. Thusly, terrifying psycho toddler is born. Gage is without a doubt THE MOST terrifying child on the planet. He doesnt even really have to try. He just stands there...with this look on his face that says "that's right. I'm going to kill you. But be careful, because i'm cute." Blehhhhh. 
     That though, isnt even the scariest part of the movie. The scariest part of the movie are the very few lines that this terrifying toddler speaks. "I played with Judd, and then i played with mommy, and now i wanna play with yoooooouuuuuuu." The hell you do! Its this tiny little voice, basically saying: "ive killed everyone else....and now its your turn." The thing about him being so small though, is that you cant find him! he can hide under the bed, behind the door, pretty much anywhere....and all you can really do is just stand there and wait for him to pop out....and it always scares the hell out of me. Even when i know he's about to do it. He ends up losing the battle, and daddy gets the better of him. Using some secret serum from his med-bag, he shoots little Gage in the neck, and saves everyone from imminent doom. We all celebrate! And then...he goes to find his wife, and guess what?! Takes her to the semetary too. Needless to say, no one lived through that event....and creepy little boy prevails. 
   Halloween is the time of year to over indulge in scary movies...when all the documentaries ABOUT scary movies come out, and its all a lot of fun. Tonight though, I'll be sleeping with one eye open, on MY toddlers....because you never really know when one of them is going to want to play. 

A Night To Remember

Today was a hard day for me. Most days like today are. I've been thinking about Bella a lot today,which is fitting because its just that kind of day. A lot of parents are quietly mourning the loss of their special angel babies. i didnt do the things we wanted to do to remember her. I wanted to release balloons and sit on the porch and talk to her. I wanted to tell her how much i miss her and remind her that she's still very much a part of everything i do. Instead, i went outside with the boys, and we blew bubbles to heaven. I asked everyone i love to also blow bubbles to heaven so she would know she was not forgotten. 


       What today DID do for me, more than anything, is make me think about the way i want to remember Bella on her birthday. I've been doing a lot of research about how to celebrate the birthday of a lost child. I've read about parents who have just visited the grave site and talked to their baby...and other parents threw a party. A celebration of family and friends, where they release balloons  and have cake, and its like a very real birthday party. Part of me thinks i want to do that. I want to have a remembrance celebration for her. i want to bake her a little cake, and release balloons, and take lots of pictures, because she was real, she was important, and her would be first birthday is pretty special. 


      I was trying to think of the best way to show her that we were all thinking of her today, and i also wanted to make it fun for the boys. So we made our own bubbles, which ended up being lots of fun. We made the bubbles green, which the Troll LOVED, although i wanted them to be pink (ya know, for a girl??) ahahah but of course i'm surrounded by too many little boys. We even went so far as to make our own bubble wands. We used pipe cleaners and made wands and then we went outside to blow bubbles to heaven. Everyone had a pretty good time, and I'm sure Bells felt close to us then. It was special to me that the Troll knew just what we were doing. It was an incredible moment. 

    I often think about how to keep her an active part of our lives, and then i tell myself, that i dont really have to try. The boys know her, they remember her, and they care for her. I am constantly loving and remembering her...so i think i do a pretty amazing job of keeping her part of our family without really putting an effort into it. And that, i think...is the most important thing. Her birthday will come around and we will do what feels right because that's the best thing we can do. This being a grieving parent thing is hard. Its hard to combine her with the life you have to continue living. But we do the best we can, and we have to know that somehow...it will all work out how its supposed to. <3

Well, here I am again. Sometimes blogging is a way to let out my frustrations, my feelings about life, my pain. Other times its just a way of talking about things that are going on in the world, things that are real. My blog today is about both. We are quickly approaching October 15th, which is, as most of you know, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Since I was 16 years old, this is a day that I have followed, celebrated, and acknowledged. Last year though, when my daughter was born...and i saw her, very much a person, with Jesus, and i could not take her home, the reality of what this day means hit home in a very serious way. There are a billion things i do in my everyday life to honor her, and to make sure she knows that she's such a huge part of my life, and who i am...but at some point, i have to figure out how to separate her, yet keep her close. How to acknowledge her life, yet live my own. That particular battle has been really hard for me...because...how do you suffer a loss so great and then just move on from it? How do you want something so bad, and have it ripped from your grasp....just as you get to meet it...and then just bounce back?

You Don't. 


But they don't really tell you that, do they? They tell you to move on, they tell you to "try again" as though a new child or new pregnancy will replace the child you lost. But it doesn't. You still long for the kicks that only she could make, and the comfort and peacefulness that came from knowing you were falling asleep with her safe inside your tummy. The grief, life without her in it- becomes the "norm" for your life. After the death of your child, you become forever changed. Its hard to even remember what your life was life before she was in it, before she died. I guess the real trick is to learn how to make it work without her. To embrace what she was, what she brought to my life, yet move on, and start our lives over again. Start to live, start to hope again, and start to love....i have to think that at the end of the day, that's what she would have wanted.

Beyond the Grave

Tonight, my mind is on death, and on funerals. Recently, I attended the funeral of my mom's boyfriend, Jim. I paid attention to the people that had come to mourn him, and I wondered to myself how much of this ceremony had been the way he would have wanted it? According to my mom, he didn't want to be put in the ground, and he wanted Santana played at his funeral. Neither of those two things were honored. Its possible, i guess, that his family didn't know, but how LITTLE must you know about your loved one, when you don't even know these small details? It got me to thinking about my funeral, which I hope is still a LONG ways away. Will my little boys, or my sweetie, honor my wishes? Will i get the funeral that i wanted, or will they bury me the fast, cheap, and easy way and pocket the rest of the money? It seems that's what many families are doing these days.

Another thing that occurred to me, that i didn't like, is that the service seemed bland. Boring, like they didn't know this person at all? How can his family know so little about him, how can a eulogy be given with such little emotion and information. Listening to this man speak about Jim, I'd have thought that i knew him better than his own brother did, and i hardly knew him at all! Which brings me to another thought about my funeral. When its my time, while i do want to be mourned, i want my life to be celebrated. I want there to be laughter! Talk about the things i accomplished, the things i had left to do. Talk about your fond memories of me, the funny things i did, the funny things i said, nights you remember, and nights you'd like to forget! Speak of the way i loved, and the way i lived. DONT use some generic church crap about how i'm with God, (although we know i am),  talk about ME. Who i was. I want my funeral to be a celebration of the life i lived, NOT a typical sunday church service. 

There are so many things about death that bother me, and its rarely about the lost life. Its about those left behind. When someone dies, it is typically a day full of mourning, and crying, and then a week full of who gets what. People are pissed off about the things they didn't get that they believe they should have, and other people are smug that they got more than someone else. People can be so nasty when it comes to death. I guess that's why its so important to write everything down. Watching this funeral, at an age when I am old enough to really watch and pay attention, has taught me that I want my will to be ridiculously specific. I want my will to leave no room for interpretation, no room for anyone to say "she would have wanted it THIS way, instead of that way." I hope whoever is handling my funeral arrangements picks up my will and says "actually, NO. She DIDNT want it THIS way, she wanted it THAT way, just like i said. It says so RIGHT here, which i know because she possessed the ability to write, and i possess the ability to read." And YES, I really DO hope they are that snarky and sarcastic about it. The concept of a "Family Only" row at a funeral annoys me. Who are these people to decide who i love the most. There are members of my family that know VERY little about me, and they hardly get to sit in the front row at my funeral in lieu of my best friend, who knows EVERYTHING about me. What purpose does it serve to sit all of the family in front anyway? Are the wanting to sit close on the off chance that i do something extraordinary? Regardless whether you're in the front or the back, I'm going to be in the same place, doing the same thing as i was the last time you saw me. I think this hits me so hard because at this particular funeral, my mother, who Jim was INSANELY in love with, didn't get included in the family. I firmly believe that Jim viewed her every bit as much of his family as anyone else sitting in that pew, if not more so...but because the person making the arrangements didn't deem her worthy, she was made to sit on the opposite side. Screw that! Those people dont know who the MOST IMPORTANT people in his life were! The ONLY things those people knew about him came from the highlighted entries in a bible. A SMALL portion of the person he was. 


I guess all i can really hope is that my family knows me just a little better than his family knew his. In case they dont though, i'm going to have a very detailed will written, which will be designed to leave little to the imagination. Here are a few examples: 


1. I don't want to be buried. Period. Dot. Decimal. I want to be entombed, like my grams was, and this is why--heat rises. The lower to the ground you put me, the colder i'll be in the afterlife. This goes hand in hand with knowing me, i dont like to be cold. 
2. 3 songs should be played at my funeral in any order really. 
     1. I love you this big
    2. She'll leave you with a smile 
    3. Baby Mine 
3. Do NOT bury me in a dress. Do i wear a lot of dresses? No sir, i surely don't. Bury me in jeans, a clean pair of DC's, and my Dexter hoodie. I dont care if i'm 93, it will NEVER be ok to bury me in a dress. 
4. Make them leave both sides of the casket open. The only reason for this is that NOT doing that freaks me out! Besides, if you dont do that, how will you know i'm wearing my DC's, and that they were kept clean? 
5. I want my body jewelry in. I don't care how they have to make it happen, if i get to heaven and I'm down a nose ring, I'm going to be a pretty pissed off angel. That's how a haunting happens. No joke.
6. Give the funeral director a hard time for me! When they ask for my clothes, send them something sleeveless, with LOTS of cleavage, and see how they handle it. Hahaha, that's grace right there. Eventually provide them with my REAL outfit, so i don't look like a whore, but definitely have some fun. 
7. In my slideshow, include pictures of me with EVERYONE who was important to me. I don't care who you don't like and don't want to be in there, some of my best memories involve people other people dont get along with.
8. Let the people speak! A short sermon, on topic is fine. Go be with Jesus, i LOVE that. However, i want my funeral to be about my life, so let my friends and family talk about it. 
9. Don't forget to mention those i am joining in Heaven. If i'm dead, then fantastic, i get to go be with Grams, Grandpa Andy, Papa Jim, and Bella....And whomever else has gone to be with Jesus by then. 


I'm sure as time goes on, I'll have more. Who is to say what will belong to me by then, (a successful Bakery store front perhaps?) That i'll have to designate to someone. Along with all of my other worldly goods. I wouldn't want someone to decide for me who gets to raid my room, ya know? There's no telling what time will bring, and when its your time to go, like our good friend Jim, it might sneak up on you. And when its my time, i want people to know who i really was...not who some people thought i was. Hopefully they respect me enough to get it right.

See You Later Friend! (A photo tribute)

 Jim's favorite song. Nothing better in the world to "jam" to.

                      
                      Life is, unfortunately full of hurt, and sadness. Death is something that can not be avoided, like a violent storm, we run and run and run, but it catches us, and consumes our life. If we are lucky, we can prepare for it. We can say all the things we need to say, and do all the things we need to do. Exchange kisses and hugs, I love you's and I'll miss you's. Life, being the beast that it is, is not always so kind. Sometimes, it takes our loved ones from us in a hurry, before we can even blink, or even realize that what we once had is now lost. 
                  Yesterday, the world lost quite an amazing man. Jim was not someone who was easily understood. He was set in his ways, and a little bit off the wall, but his heart was full and giving.  He loved the best he could, and smiled often, and just being close to him gave you the complete and total impression that you could do anything.

I wish i could say that i knew him well, because he's the kind of person you just WANT to know. The few memories i DO have, include LOTS of laughing, "never ever", pool parties, good food, "black hate sex", tequila, Joe's Crab Shack, an angry nipple piercing, Stephen Lynch, and Gorilla Glue. My memories of him are few, and i have that regret. Believe me when I say though, that the memories i carry, i more than enough to bring a smile to myself. While i didn't have  the opportunity to know him well before he was taken too soon from this earth, he was very close to my mother. He was her light in the darkness, her shoulder on the dark and rainy days. She needed him to make her smile, and he needed her, just to be there. He was absolutely crazy about her, and when they were together, they just glowed.

 

                        They were silly together, and serious together. He made her smile, and she made him laugh. It didn't require much knowledge of the guy to realize what an amazing person he was. After all, if he made her so happy, he had to be. He was a friend to my Troll, "Papa Jim" was to be a pal. Someone to wake up with early mornings, and to talk to about the unimportant things children talk about. 

And also for warm, night time shirts. <3

                  Now, I, like most any person after a loss of this magnitude, and full of the things i never said. I'm left with only memories, of someone so incredibly special, gone from this world too soon. He’s still here, though we can't see him or talk to him. I can still feel his presence, hear his laugh, and feel his love. He is still a part of our everyday reality. The pictures of him that we cling to, demonstrate just the type of person he was. 

                  He might not be right here, but he’s not gone either. I believe that, because I have to. Somewhere, high above the clouds, where only the angels dwell, he's looking down on us. Sending down memories, and smiles, and hoping for love and remembrance. He can be sure, that from us, there will always be those things. Rest in peace, Jim. Fly with the angels, where there is no pain, no suffering, and no wrinkles. We'll take care of things down here...until we meet again. 

"You're gonna have all of me, 

You're gonna have all of me,

Cause you're worth every falling tear,

You're worth facing, any fear. 

You're gonna know all my love, 

Even its not enough, 

Enough to mend our broken hearts,

But giving you all of me,

Is where I'll start."

My baby...is afraid of the night.

Over the last few days, my baby boy has been suffering from another bout of night terrors. For those of you who don't know what night terrors are, allow me to explain. A night terror is similar to a nightmare, although it happens most frequently in stages 3 and 4 in the dream cycle, (after the child has been asleep for some time) where nightmares happen in REM. A night terror will present with symptoms similar to a nightmare, but often times, it will appear that the child is much more awake than he actually is. He will say things like "leave me alone", "don't take me", and he will wiggle and flail. A child who has a had a night terror will wake up having no recollection of the occurrence, whether it was 10 minutes ago, or even the next morning. He will be sweating, and showing great fear or panic, and is uncharacteristically difficult to wake up. 
              
          The Troll has been struggling with night terrors almost since he was old enough to explain to me that he was having them. He doesn't have them every night, few children that suffer from this condition do. When he does have them though, they rock him...and they shake him, and they make him fearful of his bedroom. Of being in it, of being in the dark, and of being alone. My troll will wake up crying, and calling out--most often for daddy. When D responds to him, with mommy close behind, he is impossible to wake. He flails and kicks and hits, and tells us "no, no, no", while he cries. We try to hold him and comfort him, and let him know we are there. He'll sit up and continue moving around, giving us the impression that he is waking up, but that is rarely the case. We sit next to him and talk to him, always softly, and without frustration, because any parent of a night terror child will tell you, yelling at him will only make the "dream" that much more frightening. We will struggle with him for a few minutes, before D finally wakes him up. The thing about a night terror is that it takes complete control of my baby. His brain has an inability to distinguish between what is a dream and what is reality. A night terror occurs because his brain believes that what is happening to him is real. In adults, it is equivalent to the kinds of dreams that make you wake up and look around. Wondering if what you were just experiencing is real. The biggest difference is, my little guy will never remember he's had them.

              There's honestly no way for me to describe what it does to me as a mother. In the middle of the night, i hear him cry out. I run to him, as fast as i can, and i touch his face softly. I ask him what's the matter, and he smacks my hand away "no, no no." D comes in behind me, crouches down, and takes his shot at it, "no, im too afraid, i'm too afraid.". D tries to take our baby boy in his arms and comfort him, to no avail. We sit together, my hand on his head, and we talk to him. Calm, soothing voices, "mommy and daddy are here." After a few minutes, and tears on mommy's part, D picks him up and carries him to the living room. Even the transition has not woken him, and we lay him on the couch, wiping sweat off of his forehead, although his body is ice cold. We continue talking to him, trying to bring him out of his "dream" and back into our reality, but nothing seems to work. D finally gets him up, and of course he's confused. "this isn't my bed, this is the couch." and he's full of "what happened"s. He doesn't remember or know what he just went through, all he knows is that he's scared. And that he doesn't want mommy or daddy leaving him alone anymore. 

             Last night, as we were putting him to bed, he cried. He didn't want to be alone, and he felt like he was in the dark. We ended up leaving the hall light on for him all night, and he seemed to be okay with that. Its hard to deal with the reality that this is something he'll be fighting and facing all through his toddler and early childhood years. My baby is terrified, and he's hurting, and I'm powerless. I can't make the fear go away, I can't keep the monsters out of his head, and I can't even comfort him while they're in there, because he doesn't know how to let me. When he was younger, the doctors told me that the best way to handle a night terror is just to let it run its course. Let him have his episode, and hold him when he's done. I'm not sure these doctors know the pain of watching your 2,3,4 year old in such fear, and just having to watch him while he battles it out himself. They tell me that no emotional damage will be done, because he can't remember what he's fighting, but i can't help but wonder if this wont always foster a fear of the dark, of the night, and what...if anything, i can do to counter that. They tell me to give him baths with lavender oil, anything to calm his nerves, and help him find a deeper sleep. Its never as easy as that, there's never any telling when they'll hit him, and for how long. 
    
             Try as i might, i can't make this stop. No amount of light, or noise keeps the monsters away, but mommy and daddy will always be there to help fight them, when we can. We do the nightly monster checks, the story time, and the nightlight. Recently, he's started asking for something he used to ask for a lot when he was younger. And so each night, in addition to the regular routine, mommy sings him a lullaby. A small, little task, that lets that baby of mine know that he's very precious to me, and whenever he calls me, i come running...whether he knows it or not. No, being a night terror parent is NOT easy. Its hard work. It calls for long hours, lots of tears, and LOTS of snuggles, but truth is, at the end of the day, i'd rather be HIS night terror parent, then no parent at all. In the grand scheme of things, what i battle just watching him, is a candle to the flame of that precious little boy facing those monsters. In moments like these when i can't be a hero to him, he surely is a hero to me.

Getting Older, Everyday.

Well, today, i am officially the mommy of a 4 year old. I'm not quite sure how to handle it yet. I've had a lot of ideas: lock him in the closet, start him on coffee to stunt his growth--but no matter what i do, he's going to continue to grow. He's learning big words and is excited about school, looking forward to a life that involves being a "big boy" and i'm trying to hold onto my baby. I think back to being pregnant with him and i can remember a mixture of feelings. Excitement-creating and nurturing a life that would love me unconditionally, and i him. Anxiety: What on earth did i know about being a mother? Could i care for him the way he needed me to? Would i be able to teach him right from wrong? I find that is still a worry of mine as the years go by and he gets ever older. Am i capable of raising him to be the kind of man he needs to be? Can i teach him the value of a dollar and the importance of work ethic? He's such a smart little boy, he can count to ten, and say his alphabet, he can spell his name, and a lot of other things too. I stop and watch him somedays and i have to ask myself how this amazing little person came from me. 
       I take pause and think of his father. How much life he's missing out on. My little boy is growing older everyday and the person who helped create him doesn't even know much about him. He changes his mind and his favorites all the time, it saddens me to think how little this man knows about him. And how little he probably will ever know. Which leads to me to the amazing daddy he DOES have in his life. D is one of a kind, and i know how lucky the Troll is to have him. They bond in the most important ways. The troll doesnt like going into his room at night without the monster check, and daddy kisses are of the utmost importance. Someone he can be a boy with, someone who can wrestle with him, and  play games with. Of this one thing, i can be sure i have done him right. He was born into the world with a father that didn't really want him, and a mother that was just learning how to be a mother. Times were hard but we made it through. Today, i see him throw his arms around the man he calls dad, and i know that in that at least, i have done right.
               Today on his birthday, i hold him close and shower him with kisses and say to myself, its not going to be like this for long. Pretty soon he's going to be grown up and telling me that mommy kisses are "gross" and refuse to be seen holding my hand. But for now, he's young and impressionable, and he loves nothing more than snuggling mommy and watching Phineas and Ferb.  I guess rather than trying to keep him from growing up, i should cherish these moments as they come to me. Take in all of the kisses and snuggles, and never miss a chance to let him know how much i love him. Someday down the road he is going to become a father, and have a baby of his own. I'll have to watch him as he takes on life as a "grown up" and just hope I've given him all he needs to be successful. I hope he takes in the actions, successes and failures of those around him, and remembers to be better. I'm excitedly looking forward to seeing the person he will become, because i have no doubt he will be great. Until then though, I'll snuggle with my toddler, tell him how much i love him, and believe him when he says "i promise, i'm never going to leave you." For now, that's all i have. <3

Goodbye is the hardest thing to say.

Death is one of those things that always happens to other people. You hear on the news, you read on the internet of people all over the world dying, but you don't ever really take pause. Of course, its tragic, death always is, but never is it so tragic as when it's happening in your own backyard. 8 months ago, death struck in my backyard, and claimed the life of my beautiful baby girl, and they told me, that God had other plans for her. That she was born sleeping. I took in all they told me, but refused to really come to terms with what I'd been through. Bells death came at a time in my life when i literally felt like i had lost everything. I was at the end of my rope, staring at the noose on the end, thinking that i wanted nothing more than to be with her, wherever she was. It took me a few months to remember that she was not the only life i had created, and that here, at home, were two little boys who needed their mommy. I certainly wasn't being the best i could be for them. But how can you be the best for someone else, if you can't even be functional for yourself? I spent months and months in denial, fighting insomnia, and dreaming she was with me, only...where had i left her? I have been fighting this battle constantly and throwing every bit of my energy into keeping my head above water, and then i spoke to a friend. She told me that its ok to miss her, but that i have to remember the life i have, because while i have lost a lot, i have not lost everything. Finally, today it hit me. I have to say goodbye. Not forever, only for a little while, and only so that i can move on. Quietly and solely, i took gathered her things, and i sat with her for awhile. I cried-about the way things were, about the way they should have been, and then i took a deep breath, and spoke to her. I assured her that i loved her, and that i would never forget her, but I'm sure she already knew that. I made promises to talk to her when i can, and to continue writing in my journal, and I'll still do those things. I told her that losing her was the hardest thing I'd ever been through, and i know she knew i wasn't lying. I spoke to her in silence, using my heart as my guide, and my prayers as my word, and i asked her for help. Help to be the kind of mother i used to be. Energy and strength to move forward with my life and love all of my babies, without forgetting any of them. I told her i was selfish, and asked for the ability to love them all, equally, for they are each my children. I knew she understood, because there was a pulling in me to take my boys in my arms, and hold them close to me. I gave the Troll a big kiss, and told him i loved him. He told me he loved me too, and then we talked a little about his sister. Today, i feel like a weight has been lifted. I know she knows how much i love her, and how much i NEED for her to be a part of my life, but i also know she knows how much i NEED to start moving forward with that life, before i lose it all. As i put all of her things back on the shelves, i smiled to myself. I know that she knows how much i care about her, and i know that she knows i have to do this. So today is a brand new day, and the start of moving forward. Here's to everything i have to do to be better, and working to get there. Its not going to be easy, but i know i'll be ok. After all, i have angels watching over me. <3