Well, today, i am officially the mommy of a 4 year old. I'm not quite sure how to handle it yet. I've had a lot of ideas: lock him in the closet, start him on coffee to stunt his growth--but no matter what i do, he's going to continue to grow. He's learning big words and is excited about school, looking forward to a life that involves being a "big boy" and i'm trying to hold onto my baby. I think back to being pregnant with him and i can remember a mixture of feelings. Excitement-creating and nurturing a life that would love me unconditionally, and i him. Anxiety: What on earth did i know about being a mother? Could i care for him the way he needed me to? Would i be able to teach him right from wrong? I find that is still a worry of mine as the years go by and he gets ever older. Am i capable of raising him to be the kind of man he needs to be? Can i teach him the value of a dollar and the importance of work ethic? He's such a smart little boy, he can count to ten, and say his alphabet, he can spell his name, and a lot of other things too. I stop and watch him somedays and i have to ask myself how this amazing little person came from me.
I take pause and think of his father. How much life he's missing out on. My little boy is growing older everyday and the person who helped create him doesn't even know much about him. He changes his mind and his favorites all the time, it saddens me to think how little this man knows about him. And how little he probably will ever know. Which leads to me to the amazing daddy he DOES have in his life. D is one of a kind, and i know how lucky the Troll is to have him. They bond in the most important ways. The troll doesnt like going into his room at night without the monster check, and daddy kisses are of the utmost importance. Someone he can be a boy with, someone who can wrestle with him, and play games with. Of this one thing, i can be sure i have done him right. He was born into the world with a father that didn't really want him, and a mother that was just learning how to be a mother. Times were hard but we made it through. Today, i see him throw his arms around the man he calls dad, and i know that in that at least, i have done right.
Today on his birthday, i hold him close and shower him with kisses and say to myself, its not going to be like this for long. Pretty soon he's going to be grown up and telling me that mommy kisses are "gross" and refuse to be seen holding my hand. But for now, he's young and impressionable, and he loves nothing more than snuggling mommy and watching Phineas and Ferb. I guess rather than trying to keep him from growing up, i should cherish these moments as they come to me. Take in all of the kisses and snuggles, and never miss a chance to let him know how much i love him. Someday down the road he is going to become a father, and have a baby of his own. I'll have to watch him as he takes on life as a "grown up" and just hope I've given him all he needs to be successful. I hope he takes in the actions, successes and failures of those around him, and remembers to be better. I'm excitedly looking forward to seeing the person he will become, because i have no doubt he will be great. Until then though, I'll snuggle with my toddler, tell him how much i love him, and believe him when he says "i promise, i'm never going to leave you." For now, that's all i have. <3
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