Tonight, my mind is on death, and on funerals. Recently, I attended the funeral of my mom's boyfriend, Jim. I paid attention to the people that had come to mourn him, and I wondered to myself how much of this ceremony had been the way he would have wanted it? According to my mom, he didn't want to be put in the ground, and he wanted Santana played at his funeral. Neither of those two things were honored. Its possible, i guess, that his family didn't know, but how LITTLE must you know about your loved one, when you don't even know these small details? It got me to thinking about my funeral, which I hope is still a LONG ways away. Will my little boys, or my sweetie, honor my wishes? Will i get the funeral that i wanted, or will they bury me the fast, cheap, and easy way and pocket the rest of the money? It seems that's what many families are doing these days.
Another thing that occurred to me, that i didn't like, is that the service seemed bland. Boring, like they didn't know this person at all? How can his family know so little about him, how can a eulogy be given with such little emotion and information. Listening to this man speak about Jim, I'd have thought that i knew him better than his own brother did, and i hardly knew him at all! Which brings me to another thought about my funeral. When its my time, while i do want to be mourned, i want my life to be celebrated. I want there to be laughter! Talk about the things i accomplished, the things i had left to do. Talk about your fond memories of me, the funny things i did, the funny things i said, nights you remember, and nights you'd like to forget! Speak of the way i loved, and the way i lived. DONT use some generic church crap about how i'm with God, (although we know i am), talk about ME. Who i was. I want my funeral to be a celebration of the life i lived, NOT a typical sunday church service.
There are so many things about death that bother me, and its rarely about the lost life. Its about those left behind. When someone dies, it is typically a day full of mourning, and crying, and then a week full of who gets what. People are pissed off about the things they didn't get that they believe they should have, and other people are smug that they got more than someone else. People can be so nasty when it comes to death. I guess that's why its so important to write everything down. Watching this funeral, at an age when I am old enough to really watch and pay attention, has taught me that I want my will to be ridiculously specific. I want my will to leave no room for interpretation, no room for anyone to say "she would have wanted it THIS way, instead of that way." I hope whoever is handling my funeral arrangements picks up my will and says "actually, NO. She DIDNT want it THIS way, she wanted it THAT way, just like i said. It says so RIGHT here, which i know because she possessed the ability to write, and i possess the ability to read." And YES, I really DO hope they are that snarky and sarcastic about it. The concept of a "Family Only" row at a funeral annoys me. Who are these people to decide who i love the most. There are members of my family that know VERY little about me, and they hardly get to sit in the front row at my funeral in lieu of my best friend, who knows EVERYTHING about me. What purpose does it serve to sit all of the family in front anyway? Are the wanting to sit close on the off chance that i do something extraordinary? Regardless whether you're in the front or the back, I'm going to be in the same place, doing the same thing as i was the last time you saw me. I think this hits me so hard because at this particular funeral, my mother, who Jim was INSANELY in love with, didn't get included in the family. I firmly believe that Jim viewed her every bit as much of his family as anyone else sitting in that pew, if not more so...but because the person making the arrangements didn't deem her worthy, she was made to sit on the opposite side. Screw that! Those people dont know who the MOST IMPORTANT people in his life were! The ONLY things those people knew about him came from the highlighted entries in a bible. A SMALL portion of the person he was.
I guess all i can really hope is that my family knows me just a little better than his family knew his. In case they dont though, i'm going to have a very detailed will written, which will be designed to leave little to the imagination. Here are a few examples:
1. I don't want to be buried. Period. Dot. Decimal. I want to be entombed, like my grams was, and this is why--heat rises. The lower to the ground you put me, the colder i'll be in the afterlife. This goes hand in hand with knowing me, i dont like to be cold.
2. 3 songs should be played at my funeral in any order really.
1. I love you this big
2. She'll leave you with a smile
3. Baby Mine
3. Do NOT bury me in a dress. Do i wear a lot of dresses? No sir, i surely don't. Bury me in jeans, a clean pair of DC's, and my Dexter hoodie. I dont care if i'm 93, it will NEVER be ok to bury me in a dress.
4. Make them leave both sides of the casket open. The only reason for this is that NOT doing that freaks me out! Besides, if you dont do that, how will you know i'm wearing my DC's, and that they were kept clean?
5. I want my body jewelry in. I don't care how they have to make it happen, if i get to heaven and I'm down a nose ring, I'm going to be a pretty pissed off angel. That's how a haunting happens. No joke.
6. Give the funeral director a hard time for me! When they ask for my clothes, send them something sleeveless, with LOTS of cleavage, and see how they handle it. Hahaha, that's grace right there. Eventually provide them with my REAL outfit, so i don't look like a whore, but definitely have some fun.
7. In my slideshow, include pictures of me with EVERYONE who was important to me. I don't care who you don't like and don't want to be in there, some of my best memories involve people other people dont get along with.
8. Let the people speak! A short sermon, on topic is fine. Go be with Jesus, i LOVE that. However, i want my funeral to be about my life, so let my friends and family talk about it.
9. Don't forget to mention those i am joining in Heaven. If i'm dead, then fantastic, i get to go be with Grams, Grandpa Andy, Papa Jim, and Bella....And whomever else has gone to be with Jesus by then.
I'm sure as time goes on, I'll have more. Who is to say what will belong to me by then, (a successful Bakery store front perhaps?) That i'll have to designate to someone. Along with all of my other worldly goods. I wouldn't want someone to decide for me who gets to raid my room, ya know? There's no telling what time will bring, and when its your time to go, like our good friend Jim, it might sneak up on you. And when its my time, i want people to know who i really was...not who some people thought i was. Hopefully they respect me enough to get it right.
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