Courage

 Today, my mind and my heart are on the children, all over the world who are struggling. The ones who are fighting everyday for their lives. Some of them have cancer, some of them have broken hearts, and some of them have diseases that they don't even really have names for. Whatever they have, they're hurting and they're desperate from relief of these ailments. As a parent, it's hard to see your child go through any amount of pain. Regardless what they're going through, you want to guide them through it. Love them, hold them, and reassure them that everything is going to be alright. But how do you do that for your child, when everything is NOT going to be alright? How do you fight back the tears, choke back the sorrow, and tell your dying child that they're going to be ok? Do you? I imagine that some of these children, who are fighting cancer at such a young age, simply don't understand why they don't get better. As children, they're innocent, and unaffected by the world and all it's cruelty. When something hurts, they take it to mommy, whose kisses have always before held the power to make it better....and these children...they go to mommy to take the pain away, and she can't. Nothing she does works...and that's a hard reality to face. For both mommy and child.

"Sometimes Even To Live, Is An Act Of Courage."


I'll be honest, there's a part of me that always kind of feels like it must be a cruel God that would do to these children as he does. What could these innocent, brand new lives have ever really done to deserve the things they go through, the pain they endure. People who have never experienced loss say the same things "they were meant for something better." Hell, even us parents, who are struggling to figure out why WE'RE experiencing this loss try that line. Its a nauseating feeling, truly. I've never been on the flip side of it though, as I've never been a child with a serious illness. I often have to ask myself what must this child be thinking, what must they be feeling. I rarely have the answers though, because it's so hard to imagine what they're going through. Giving birth to a stillborn baby, as I did, is totally different than nursing a child that hurts. With my baby, I didn't have to endure the tears, and the upset, and the lack of understanding in tiny little eyes. I can imagine how hard it must be to try to explain to your child, eyes so wide with fear, what they're going through.
Amazingly though, through Facebook, I've come into contact with, and followed stories of amazing courage. As hard as I'm sure it is for most children to understand what they're going through, some children really embrace it with amazing courage and strength. Some children choose to simply enjoy what life they have, what's left of it, taking no minute for granted. It amazes me quite often how children of such short life can know more about strength than we do. The reasoning behind it is, I imagine, is innocence. Children have no sense of foreboding or fate. They don't understand death or the fact that one day, they could wake up to their last day. It's a terrible fate that they're forced to live with. A few blogs in particular really touched my heart. A mommy blogger, Mary Tyler Mom, talks in great detail about fighting cancer with her sweet Donna.   Anissa shares her life story, and that of the treatment of her precious daughter Peyton, and Ben's family talks about his battle, and how it felt when his sweet life was lost. :(
The fact is, there's really no telling what another person is going through, and in comparison, our day to day lives aren't really that bad. It's hard sometimes to remember what's important, but these stories always put it into perspective a little bit. When babies are fighting cancer, incurable illnesses, and death, can anything I'm enduring REALLY be that bad? So I'm sending out a prayer tonight to all those little ones still fighting, and a message to Bells to play with the ones who are playing in Heaven.

Olivia Rose

8 years ago today, a little girl was born. She was tiny and precious, and she rocked our little worlds. We didn't know what would become of her, or who she would be, all we knew was that she was. She made me smile, and she was EVERYTHING i always wanted. She was my niece. She was born to my sister...not a sister by birth, nor by marriage, but by love. She was dating my brother, and pregnant with the little girl who would come to own me. I watched her grow, for as long as i could...and then life happened. It's funny how things get in the way. I remember the day she was born....laying on the couch, dozing off and on, waiting for the news that she'd made her debut. I remember my excitement that she was finally here, and I remember making plans. I thought I'd know her so much better than i do. I thought there'd be time for makeup and dress up, and tea parties. I thought I'd get to watch her grow up...into a beautiful little girl, and an amazing young woman...but i don't get to do those things. Instead, i watch her grow up in pictures...watch her accomplishments over facebook, and become overwhelmed with pride at the beautiful little girl she is. I see a lot of my brother in her....well, not so much him as the saracen side. I see their eyebrows, their smile. But she's pretty like her momma...and i know without a doubt that she's going to be a heart breaker someday. I wish i could change the way things are, i wish i could make sure she knows that i still love her, and still think of her everyday. Distance is hard on relationships, it surely takes its toll. I don't know her as well as i planned to, and that's hard to deal with. Perhaps someday that will change, but for now, I'll watch the pictures of that beautiful hair, those big brown eyes, and that smile that's contagious, and know her momma is raising her to be every bit as perfect as i always knew she'd be. <3

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Dear God...

Are you there God? It's me again. I know I talk to you a lot these days, but truthfully, I'm not sure what else to do. You have two things that are very important to me, and I'm not sure how to live without them. I know you have more important things to do, but if you have some time, I'd like to bend your ear. While I was pregnant with my angels, I thought of a time when they would sit on my lap and I would tell them all about you...i wonder, if since i can't be there, you could sit them on your lap, and tell them all about me? Would you mind telling them that i loved them, and that i wish i could change the way things are? Could you tell them that I'm sorry, and that i did everything i could? I'd like you to talk to them about their father. Tell them what an amazing man he is, what an amazing person he continues to be, everyday. Tell them how hard he works for us, and how much he misses them. Tell them that i bet they look like him, and I can't wait to find out for sure. Talk to them about their brothers, because we talk to their brothers about them. Let them know how insanely loved they are...and make sure they are always looking for the bubbles that we blow to Heaven...because they're special. I'd like to tell them that they're still everything to me, that they still consume my life, but i can't tell them, so I'd like you to tell them for me. Tell Bella that I still remember every detail of the day i met her. How i watched her face, waiting for her small eyes to open, wanting more than anything to see what color they were. Tell her that i wish I'd done more...i wish i'd made more memories, and i'm sorry for that now. Tell her that i'm sorry that i didn't know everything then that i know now, and let her know that i'm trying to do right by her...to make sure other people know the things i just didn't. Tell my sweet little Baby G that I'm sorry that i didn't get to know him. I wish there was something i could have done. Tell him that my heart dropped in my chest the day they told me that he was gone, and that i spent all that weekend praying that they were wrong. Sitting in that ultrasound room the second time, i swore they were going to tell them that they'd made a mistake...that he was fine...but they didnt. Tell him my heart still breaks when i think of that. Tell him that I'm wondering what color his hair would have been and if he'd have had my nose. Tell him i think of that stuff a lot. I'd also like to just talk to you for a second. God, am I ever going to get over this feeling, this hurt? Will i ever wake up and not feel like my life is crashing around my feet? Will there ever be a normal again? I have to be honest with you, for a long time now, I've been angry at you. Although I have found some spirituality in what has happened, i can't help but wonder what i did that was so wrong....why i deserve this kind of hurt. They say that you only give us what you are sure we can handle, but   I'm not so sure you're right about me. I very rarely feel like I can handle this, and certainly not on my own. They say that you will only make me stronger as i struggle to deal with and overcome this grief....but i don't feel stronger. i feel weakened, by the second, by the minute, by the day. And i find it slowly harder to get past what I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with...how badly i hurt. God, if it's not too much to ask, can you let them know i love them? Could you tell them to send me a sign? A minute, or second of their day, to show me that they love me too? Send them to me in a dream, or a breeze, and let me know they're with me. Thanks for listening, I know there's so much else to do these days....Give them my love...and my kisses....since I can't do it myself. <3

*Sigh*

Being without her never gets easier, though i kept telling myself it would. It's numb now, where even the smallest things that shouldn't remind me of her, do. I pick up her urn and just stare at it, willing it to be more than it is, wanting to hold her so badly that I can almost feel her in my arms...and then I look down and realize again...it's just a dream. She changed me, surely, and in a way I never thought I could be changed. She taught me about what love was, real love...the kind that doesn't go away just because of distance...the kind that you can't give up on. We finally got her stuff up in our new house...and a different feeling came over it for me. It was like it finally felt like home because she was there with us. Realistically, she can never really be too far away, but not having her things up just didn't feel right. 

I display her things prominently in my house, lest she be forgotten. She is every bit as big a part of my family as the two children that live and breathe beside me, and the angel she took to be with her a year later. My greatest fear is that she not be known, and loved. While it honestly isn't so important that others love her, it's important that i say her name, that I make her real, so that I can save that last bit of sanity I have left. I wish i could pick her up, and hold her. I so badly want the kisses and snuggles that would be plentiful at this age. I wanted the first birthday party. Celebrated with cake and ice cream and friends, and NOT with bubbles and balloons to Heaven. It's been hard to find things to write about lately, because the words just don't come like they used to. While I'm so happy with the way my life is, there are so many things that are missing. Losing Bells was so hard for me, and then losing Baby G just made that heart all the more real and raw. After losing a child, you go into another pregnancy thinking that you'll do everything right, and you'll have a perfect pregnancy and this baby will be just fine, and they have to because...is God really so cruel to make you endure this pain over and over again? It never occurs to you that all over the world are people who are genuinely trying every 2 months for a baby with the same results over and over again. And these people are feeling this hurt constantly. How can they function? I can barely function. I got started taking my anti-depressants again, and life has become...bearable. I rejoice in the small things, the things my boys do that make my heart swell with pride, and the amazing high points in my life that...just a few months ago...i wouldn't have even recognized, let alone been excited about. 
     Events in the last couple of weeks have brought out raw emotions and memories of Bella that I try to choke down. No, I never, ever, forget her...but there are things that I push below the surface, never allowing them the chance to plague me. Knowing her heart had beat for the last time. Waiting all that night for her kicks that would never come. Feeling her inside me and KNOWING that she'd never be mine to hold and kiss and take home. The tears and the despair....and the waiting. There are other memories, equally painful that i remember everyday. Her hair...redheaded like her daddy, my little Pebbles. Her face...so small.....so tiny, yet her features every bit of everything wonderful about her dad and me. Her hands, i wish i had held her hands just a little bit longer...i wish i had touched and kissed her toes longer. Her tiny pink hat, and tiny pink blanket, way to big for her little body, but the color i'd always dreamed my baby blankets would get to be. I remember her, every bit of the time i had with her, and i remember thinking that even an eternity would never have been enough. I let an angel go that day, and I'll never forget it. Its hard remembering it, hard to think about what should have been, and what just isn't. 
      We take each day as it passes us by, and embrace what we have.  I tell myself that although I hurt, each day that I make it through shows me that they are there, watching out for me, making sure I make it through, making sure I'm ok. And that they love me...and even if they can't take care of me here, they'll always take care of me from there...and for now, that's all i really have. As sad as that is, that's all there is, and I'll have to just rejoice in THAT little triumph...for what its worth.