*Sigh*

Being without her never gets easier, though i kept telling myself it would. It's numb now, where even the smallest things that shouldn't remind me of her, do. I pick up her urn and just stare at it, willing it to be more than it is, wanting to hold her so badly that I can almost feel her in my arms...and then I look down and realize again...it's just a dream. She changed me, surely, and in a way I never thought I could be changed. She taught me about what love was, real love...the kind that doesn't go away just because of distance...the kind that you can't give up on. We finally got her stuff up in our new house...and a different feeling came over it for me. It was like it finally felt like home because she was there with us. Realistically, she can never really be too far away, but not having her things up just didn't feel right. 

I display her things prominently in my house, lest she be forgotten. She is every bit as big a part of my family as the two children that live and breathe beside me, and the angel she took to be with her a year later. My greatest fear is that she not be known, and loved. While it honestly isn't so important that others love her, it's important that i say her name, that I make her real, so that I can save that last bit of sanity I have left. I wish i could pick her up, and hold her. I so badly want the kisses and snuggles that would be plentiful at this age. I wanted the first birthday party. Celebrated with cake and ice cream and friends, and NOT with bubbles and balloons to Heaven. It's been hard to find things to write about lately, because the words just don't come like they used to. While I'm so happy with the way my life is, there are so many things that are missing. Losing Bells was so hard for me, and then losing Baby G just made that heart all the more real and raw. After losing a child, you go into another pregnancy thinking that you'll do everything right, and you'll have a perfect pregnancy and this baby will be just fine, and they have to because...is God really so cruel to make you endure this pain over and over again? It never occurs to you that all over the world are people who are genuinely trying every 2 months for a baby with the same results over and over again. And these people are feeling this hurt constantly. How can they function? I can barely function. I got started taking my anti-depressants again, and life has become...bearable. I rejoice in the small things, the things my boys do that make my heart swell with pride, and the amazing high points in my life that...just a few months ago...i wouldn't have even recognized, let alone been excited about. 
     Events in the last couple of weeks have brought out raw emotions and memories of Bella that I try to choke down. No, I never, ever, forget her...but there are things that I push below the surface, never allowing them the chance to plague me. Knowing her heart had beat for the last time. Waiting all that night for her kicks that would never come. Feeling her inside me and KNOWING that she'd never be mine to hold and kiss and take home. The tears and the despair....and the waiting. There are other memories, equally painful that i remember everyday. Her hair...redheaded like her daddy, my little Pebbles. Her face...so small.....so tiny, yet her features every bit of everything wonderful about her dad and me. Her hands, i wish i had held her hands just a little bit longer...i wish i had touched and kissed her toes longer. Her tiny pink hat, and tiny pink blanket, way to big for her little body, but the color i'd always dreamed my baby blankets would get to be. I remember her, every bit of the time i had with her, and i remember thinking that even an eternity would never have been enough. I let an angel go that day, and I'll never forget it. Its hard remembering it, hard to think about what should have been, and what just isn't. 
      We take each day as it passes us by, and embrace what we have.  I tell myself that although I hurt, each day that I make it through shows me that they are there, watching out for me, making sure I make it through, making sure I'm ok. And that they love me...and even if they can't take care of me here, they'll always take care of me from there...and for now, that's all i really have. As sad as that is, that's all there is, and I'll have to just rejoice in THAT little triumph...for what its worth.