I wonder often what I'd like my kids to remember about me when I'm gone. Terribly morbid, isn't it? Last month when I was in the hospital, I had a dose of mortality. They told me that had we taken things only slightly less serious than we did, who knows what could have happened to me. Best case scenario, I'd have had a blood transfusion and been hospitalized for a few days....worst case scenario....I could have died. That's definitely a sentence that will stop you in your tracks. But the whole experience got me thinking: What do I want to happen to those precious children of mine, should something ever happen to me? The thought immediately crossed my mind that they'd never have the option of staying together...although I wish there was something I could do about that. I made some decisions, and figured it was time to get things together to write my will. Once I was passed that though, I began to think about the things I want my children to remember about me after I die.
I hope they remember my voice. One thing I hope they never forget is the way I sang them to sleep. Night after night, for hours. I hope they remember hearing "mommy loves you" as they drift off to sleep. I hope they remember the sound of my laugh, and the way I said their names. I hope they remember hearing my stories...and hearing my jokes...i hope they remember that.
I hope they remember my food. I hope they grow up, and have families of their own, and their wives cook them dinner, they say "i remember when my mom made that..." I hope they remember going through torture as they ate cupcake after cupcake waiting for mommy to get it right. I hope they remember helping. I hope they remember chopping veggies and being my Sioux chef. I hope they remember that.
I hope they remember how i loved them. I hope they think of me and know that no matter what went on in our lives, i always cared about them, always loved them, and always needed them. I hope they think of the hugs, the kisses, and the snuggles, and remember that I was always there. I hope they remember the sick nights when i held them close, cooled their feverish foreheads, and planted kisses on their cheeks. I hope they remember that no amount of lost sleep was too much as long as they were okay...and i hope they can be parents like that.
I hope they realize that they were everything to me. I hope they realize that they changed me. Someday, I hope they look back and say, "my momma was amazing, but she was so much more after she had us." And i hope they know that I believed that too.
I hope the remember that I always did my best for them. Sometimes we didn't have a lot, and I didn't always have everything for them that I wanted to, but they always had what they needed, and I always did everything I could. I hope they realize that I made the money for the things they wanted, even if it meant that I went without something.....and I always, always would. I hope they know that.
And then I think of my own mommas. The two women who have had the greatest influence on my life...and it hits me...someday, I'm going to lose them. Just as they both have lost their mommas....because that's what people do...they die. And if they're lucky, they are remembered for everything they were....and everything they still are. So i think about my mom. What will i remember about her? I remember the way she smiled, i remember her laugh. I remember the years of playing song games, trying to get the other one to get that song stuck in their head. I remember movie nights with munchies and subway...i remember workout videos. I remember her holding me when I cried, the MANY times shawn and i broke up. I remember holding her hand when my sons were born. I remember holding her hand when my daddy left. I remember singing in the car, and cruising down the street. I remember shopping and smiles, and kisses and hugs, and inside jokes. I remember EVERYTHING about her, and i hope it will always be that way. And so...i think about my Momma. I remember the nights I don't really remember. i remember the kind words. I remember the inspiration and the motivation to finish school and graduate. I remember her holding my hand, and wiping my tears when Shawn broke my heart. I remember sharing with her photos of her first grandbaby and how consumed and love with him we both were. I remember my maternity photoshoot, with she and our bailey boy. I remember her taking me in and encouraging me to NEVER give up when i needed her most. I remember holding her hand when her momma died....i remember feeling every bit of the pain she was feeling. I remember her holding my hand when Bella died...and i remember thinking that she was feeling every bit of the pain i was feeling too. I remember crying with her when Baby G died, and knowing full well that i couldn't get through it without her. I remember laughter, and Sonic, and puppies, and myspace, and love. And i remember feeling like i couldn't imagine my life without her in it. Those are the things i remember now, and things i hope i never forget.
Someday, the world will be cruel to me, and I too will lose my Mommas. I will cry, and feel empty and lost, and then I'll smile...because I'll remember. All the amazing things they instilled in me, and all the amazing things we've been through. And all I can hope is that I have and will do enough for my boys so that they have memories such as these someday when I'm gone. And i hope they know...as i know about my mommas...how very much i loved them.
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