To Thine Own Self Be True.

I was poised today to write a blog that'd be profound. I had a million different phrases and quotes and feelings that I thought I'd put into it. I imagined that it'd be eloquent, and that when i re-read it later, I'd feel proud. Going along with the topic of my post today though, that just didn't happen...because, as much as I WANTED to write those words, put them out there, they just wouldn't come. Writer's Block. So I deleted the terrible paragraph I'd written, and started over again. So, here we are. Its been a hell of a few months for me. Hell, to be honest, it's been a hell of a year for me. But, ya know, I really am not so sure it's been the last year that's been the hardest, so let me start from the beginning. (A Disclaimer: this is going to be painfully boring for those of you that don't know me, or don't care to, so I'd stop now.)
     I was a fresh 15 when I met Shawn, and I knew NOTHING about boys or life or love. Sure, I'd dated before, but it wasn't anything serious. It was the grade school dating where all you really did was write their names on your notebook and hold hands in between classes. It was nothing that was going to teach me about people...that's for sure. And, then....I met him. Now, it really depends on which one of us is telling the story about how we got together. If you ask me, I'll tell you that he came on to me, and he'll tell you just the opposite. Regardless though, he was my first true love. I'd say probably that I fell in love with him at about 15 and 3/4, just a month or two before my 16th birthday. By that time, he'd taught me a lot about a lot, and I was grateful to him, but I was terrified at how crazy about him I was. He made me do ridiculous things. By made, I don't mean that he forced me, Shawn was never like that...but he made me want to do ANYTHING to be around him. And I DID do some crazy things. Fast forward 2 years, and I moved out of my parents house and in with him and Momma. We took on the world together, he and I, and then, later my 18th year, I left for basic training. Headed of to join the Air Force and take a step that I thought would be positive for us. While I was gone though, he started seeing the woman who is now his wife, and we broke up. I spent 13 weeks total away from home and ended up right back in Alamo where I left from. Fast forward a few months from there, and I was expecting Jason. Now, I could really get personal, and I could put a lot of business out there, but I'll just suffice it to say that Shawn and I were going to have a little one. We hadn't really made any decisions as far as what our relationship would be, and what we'd do with him, but we both knew. The rest of Jason's story is in a previous blog, Jason. (Yes, I know I said he was dating someone else, and he WAS. So, think of me what you want to, but I had my reasons.) In January of my 19th year, we all lost something very dear to us. On January 12, 2007....Gramma Marilyn got her angel wings and went to Heaven. There's a couple of things that its important to know about her. One, she was INSANELY important to Shawn. Aside from his mom, probably THE most important person. Period. Two, I knew very little about her, but she touched my life so profoundly that I still think of her today. Three, I sang at her funeral, mentioned her in my thoughts regarding Jason (in his birth announcement) and talk to him about her often. Losing her was a shock to all of us, and was the absolute turning point in my relationship with Shawn. He didn't then, and has yet to deal with the loss of her, and I'm convinced that it affects him.
     In June of that same year, I met Cj.  I tread carefully where it comes to him, because I know I made mistakes too. In August, just before Jason was born, I married him. I wish I'd listened to my intuition, which is all to often right, when it told me NOT to do that. Jason was born and life with Cj was exactly as i thought I'd be. My life changed forever, and his changed not at all. Jason consumed all of my time, and I was  nothing if not thrilled to be a mom. I spent all of my time at home, with the baby, and he spent all of his time out...or playing video games. Needless to say, eventually we split up. There came to be a point where there was too much anger, too much of...well, too much. Once he left, I started sending Jason to my mom...for extended periods of time, and most of that time is a blur to me. I drank too much, got stupid, and forgot what my priorities were. At some point though, I remember my mom dropping Jason off to me after a week at her house and saying to me "you need to get it figured out...its not just your life you're ruining." And I realized she was right.Right around this time, my own grandma, "Grams" passed away, and shattered my little world. It was hard to imagine a world without her in it, so i often tried not to. It took me a long time to process and deal with her death, and so I knew i needed to do SOMETHING. I moved out of the house I was in, moved on to better things, refocused my life around my career and my son...and then I "met" Cody.
     (In case you haven't caught the trend here, I never stayed single for very long. Cj and I were officially divorced in July of 2008, and by that time, Cody and I were talking. For the record, at this point, I still wasn't REALLY over the whole Shawn leaving me with a baby and marrying someone else bit.) My relationship with Cody was something else, and I really thought that things with him were going to work out. We were married in January of 2009 and happy for a few months, until we both got out of the military. He wanted to move to AZ, and I wanted to stay in Arizona. At this point, i was about 5 months pregnant with Logan, and life was changing pretty drastically. We ended up moving to NM, and getting our own apartment, but that only lasted about 3 months, until Cody left me and the kids to move to Arizona, just before Jason's second birthday. He and i considered ourselves separated, and stayed that way, although i sent him pictures of my growing belly often. When Logan was born, I labored with only my mom, and our son was a full day old before Cody ever saw him. I guess you could say we got back together while he was here for that week visiting Logan, but I'm not sure really if we did or not. He went back home, and Logan stayed with me, and the pictures of my belly turned into pictures of our growing child. The day after Thanksgiving though, I decided to make the long drive to Arizona to let Cody see his son again. We stayed there, staying at Momma's house, through Christmas, and needless to say, we never left. Cody and I got back together that November, and he moved in with me at Momma's house. Things with us were ok for awhile, and I know i fooled myself into thinking we were happy, but I'd have done just about anything to make things with him work. In March of 2010, Cody and I split up, for what would be the last time. (To save myself a lot of typing, I'm going to input here that there was a LOT of back and forth with Cody, and a LOT of drama, but we're FINALLY going through our divorce...and then I'm going to leave it at that.) A week or so later, I met Daniel. (See what I mean?)
      Daniel was absolutely EVERYTHING I needed. He wanted to talk to me all the time, told me how beautiful I was, and made me laugh. In April of 2010, he flew from Georgia to Arizona and spent a week hanging out with me and the kids. The reasons for this trip were simple....i spend weeks talking on the phone to this guy, who I'd never met, and I was, quite honestly, smitten with him...and everything he was. The trip was designed to see how he clicked with my kids, because i COULDN'T be in a relationship with someone who didn't get along with my babies. Jason and Logan both took to him right away, and I was thrilled. That trip, he was dubbed "Daniel Monster" to my babies, and Jason's mission after that, was to get him out of the computer. At the end of the week, Daniel went home, and we continued to talk on the phone. Truth be told, as crazy about him as i was, I never really thought I'd see him again. A long distance relationship was actually ok with me at that point though, so we just took it one day at a time. About this same time, I made another decision that changed my life, and the lives of the kids...for the better, I think. I started going to school at ITT Tech, and began to focus my life around something. My life revolved around those kids, and I talked to my sweetheart every night...I was happy again. That July, Daniel sold his house, and moved to Arizona to be close to me. We found a place to live, and started our lives together. There have been a handful of difficulties since then: most of which have already been documented. In January of 2011, I lost Bella. This was the first thing close to REAL pain that i'd felt since my Grams died, and even this didn't come close. I want to say that THIS is the point that I forgot who I was, and who I wanted to be. When I lost Bella, everything i knew about life was wrong, and i didn't want to figure it out. I put on a good show, and i got refocused, and tried to get it together. In September, we lost Papa Jim. For some reason, his death shook me, harder than i ever imagined it was. It put a time limit on life...and made me realize that at any minute, any one of the people that i love and care about could be gone. I didn't process that very well. Things went along pretty uneventfully until Bella's first birthday, where all those feelings came crashing down again. On the morning of Bella's birthday, I was 7 weeks pregnant with the newest addition to our family, and feeling pretty down about my baby girl. I would find out 2 weeks later, that our newest addition died that day. To lighten it up a bit, i say constantly that Bella wanted a better birthday present than the teddy bear we got her, that she wanted her littlest sibling, and that helps for a minute. That---is my life in a nutshell, that---brings us to where we are today---and the point of my long winded life story.
           When I lost this last baby, whom i affectionately refer to as "Baby G", an already broken shell was thusly shattered. Ever since that day just a few weeks ago, nothing in the world seems to make sense. Nothing makes me happy, I'd rather not DO anything, and I don't remember what I wanted to be. Depending on who you talk to, you'll hear different reasons for my pain, for what's wrong with me. Since this is my time to let it all out, I guess I'll be honest. Everyone has issues. Everyone has low points, everyone has troubles. People are flawed, its human nature...but the truth is, Daniel is one of the few things in my life that I AM happy with. The last few weeks have been stressful for all of us (mostly because of the baby stuff.) and insecurities are running high. Honestly, my sadness has to do with me. It has to do with the fact that I hold guilt about Bella...I can't help but think that I should have done something differently. I should have saved her...could i have? And then this new baby, who i know i couldn't have saved, yet i KNOW its my body that killed him. Its hard to live with that. Its hard to live with the idea that i may NEVER have that baby girl that i want so badly, although i am so incredibly blessed to have my two sweet boys. I don't know that i NEED anymore kids, but i hate the idea that its not an option. Having kids and being a mom is what i always wanted to do. I hurt because I haven't accomplished ANYTHING, and I don't consider myself anything to be proud of. And so, here we are. And I'm tired...and I'm sad. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be. I don't FEEL like i'm anything but a mom and a girlfriend. I LOVE those two things, but i NEED to find something that's just for me. I need time that doesn't include any of them, and I need to be doing something that I'm good at that doesn't involve them. I love being a mom, and i love being his girlfriend, and although BOTH of those things can be stressful, they're my favorite things about life. I guess i just miss having a purpose. I miss having something that i was passionate about...something I could talk about and say, "yea, i did that."...something to be proud of. I've considered a few times about going back to the doctor, getting back on my anti-depressants, and trying to find a purpose with my life. What in this big ole world really makes me tick? Living here with Momma has taught me one big, important thing, I'm TIRED of feeling alone. Daniel works a lot, and that's awesome, but that leaves a lot of just me and the kids, and once they're both back in school...it leaves a lot of just me. I suppose that could be a good thing, since it will leave a lot of time for me to figure me out...but i have a feeling that its going to be hard. I'm going to be TIRED of being by myself all the time...i know that's how i felt before we moved here. So, moving on from here...where do i go?
         For right now, I'm going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and focus on the things that are important right now. I have to find a place to live that is suitable for me and my children. I have to find a hobby, or a job, or something that makes me happy. I have to remember that i can't be any good for my babies if I'm not any good for myself. I have to call the college i REALLY want to go to and see what the process is to get in. I have to find a way to smile, otherwise, I can't give all the love, support and happiness that those babies so badly need. I guess what I have to do is take a journey. Through my heart, and my mind, and my soul. I have to find a way to be me, again...whoever that is. I have to find a way to stop blaming myself for things I can't control, and take responsibility for the things i can. I have to stop feeling sad about the things i don't have and find a way to get them. I have to refocus, regroup and mean it. And...i have to figure out how.