It's been 2 weeks since we found out about the baby, and two weeks today since I took that pill that nearly killed me. (Perfectly harmless, my left foot.) There has been a lot of realization on my part, and a lot of tears. Its been a rough, rough, road. Since this is my blog, and in my blog I get to be honest, I'm going to be. It's going to be blunt, and raw, and real...and if you don't like it, then you can leave...because...this is my outlet. I use it as a way of getting out my feelings, my angers, and my heartaches. Read if you so choose.
These two weeks have been a bit cloudy for me. Like i mentioned before, most of this has been physical healing, with little time for the emotional part. Here's the update on that: Physically, things haven't really changed too much, and that's a problem. At my appointment yesterday, the doctor restricted my driving, as I'm often finding myself dozing at the wheel. That means...no driving for me, for a minimum of 2 weeks. Perhaps longer than that. The cramping is still absurd, and reminds me of the way I felt that night 2 weeks ago...i'm in labor constantly. The doctors don't seem too worried about that. Everything is gone from my uterus, and things are looking normal on that front. Still bleeding incessantly, and the doctors, although they believe i shouldn't be anymore, are calling this normal as well. What's NOT normal, though they are failing to address it, is that my hemoglobin level is still crazy low. A woman at my age should have a hemoglobin level of 12-14. Right now, my level is sitting at 8.3. And this is down from last week, when my level was 9.4. They're telling me that its going to take time, and that i have to just wait, but THIS is the thing that's keeping me dizzy, and tired, and moody all the time. They have me on lots of supplements, iron and vitamin C, and i also am still taking the percocet like candy. it'll be nice when i don't need it anymore.
Now...the emotional part of it. Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a checkup and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was just to make sure the uterus was empty, and then i had to talk to the doctor about the way things were progressing so we could decide if anything further needed to be done. At my ultrasound though, i saw something that i REALLY wasn't prepared for. In order to keep my records up to date, they still have to put my due date in the ultrasound machine. So---imagine my heartbreak, and tears when i look up at the ultrasound monitor, and see my empty uterus...with a gestational age of 12 weeks and 3 days. That's right...as far along as i would have been if there'd still been a baby to monitor. And....i lost it. They gave me tissues, and D held me, but I wasn't really in the mood to be consoled. Truth be told, I'm still not. It seems an unfair God that would take away this child, the one that D and I had prayed for. I talk a lot about strength, and about the purpose. The feeling of knowing that there has to be a reason...and i still believe all that...but trust me, some days, its harder to convince myself than others. Yesterday, I missed him. I missed all the things i was missing, and everything he should become. Yesterday was hard for me, and it lead into today, which is equally so. They handed me a survey, to assess my mental state. They're trying to decide if I'm going to off myself of anyone else...i filled it out with the things i know they wanted to hear, and i guess it worked, because...they didn't lock me up. Good news there, i suppose. The trouble is, these constant appointments make it impossible to move on. They make it hard to get through and start over again. What they are, is a constant reminder of what I've lost...again. And that's difficult for me to deal with. In addition to that, everyone I know is pregnant. And its not that they're just pregnant, its that they're due dates are all around mine. I have a friend who actually has the same due date that i did. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO excited for the new lives. ESPECIALLY my best friend. She is expecting her first child, and I am over the moon about it...yet, i can't help but be sad that our littlest babies won't be born and grow up together like we talked about.
I read an article last night that was so very true. Baby companies and places don't consider the feelings of grieving mothers. I have a newsletter that comes to my email every week, that tells me the progress of my baby. Although i have a baby no longer, once you opt in for these things, there's no option for opting out. I am still recieving coupons for enfamil for the baby that will never drink it, and tiny sample diapers that will never be worn. Babies are us truly does NOT allow you to remove your registry, instead, you have to make a posting on your registry that displays it as inactive. Then, as I've heard, you have to call Customer Care and give "valid reason" why they should remove your registry. They're so worried about losing business, and money, they're not concerned with how hurtful it is to call ANYONE and tell them your child is dead, let alone some people who you don't even know.
Its weird you know. I mentioned before that they are putting the date of death for the little one on January 13th. Here's another odd tidbit about that day. D and I were out and about, spending the day together to honor our little loves birthday. D thought it would be a fun idea to take my mind off of the sadness to go to Babies R Us and do our registry. I went with him, and we looked through baby things, and ohhed and ahhed at clothes, and i cried about things that would have looked SO great on little miss Bella. He asked me, a little while into our window shopping if i was ready to start doing to registry...i hesitated, thinking that something just didn't feel right. For whatever reason, i didn't really want to do the registry that day, and deep inside, i knew it didn't have to do with Bella. I didn't know it, nor did i even imagine it, but that was the day my baby's heart stopped beating. Is it possible that somewhere, somehow, something was trying to let me know that everything would NOT be ok? I've been thinking about that day a lot lately..wondering if I could have changed anything if I'd felt it, if I'd known. I'm sure the answer is no, but i can't help but wonder. I'm sure it will always be that way, as it is with Bella.
So there's my progress, in as few words as I could share it. i know i can be a bit long-winded these days, but something has to make it better, right? For those of you who sat through this, thanks for enduring, and listening (so to speak), and caring...wihtout you, i couldn't make it through this...its undecided if I really am.
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