Jason

Parenting is hard. It involves a certain degree of maturity, a degree that few people actually possess. It requires great strength...and the power to know what you can't control, what you can, and how to tell the difference. It requires great focus. Determination and ferocity. It requires self-lessness and sacrifice. It requires love. To be a parent is asking someone, who truly doesn't know any better to trust you. It's a promise. Its taking hold of a tiny little hand, a hand that may be a few hours old, a few days old, or a few years old, and promising to never let go. And...its about knowing when to "bend" that promise. As parents, the reality is...we'll never really let go. We'll always hold on, watching and waiting, standing by, and waiting to be needed. And if you're a successful parent, those times come frequently. Not just because their lives are crashing at their feet, or because they need money, or the car...but because somebody broke their heart. Or they passed that big exam. Perhaps they got that job, or they finally graduated college. Someday they'll get married, and have babies of their own, and they'll need you then....and so you wait. You watch, and you hope you did right by them. All the while, you burst with pride...not just because you're their parent, but because you get to KNOW this incredible person...this amazing soul. Its just icing on the cake of life that you got to raise them.
I watch Jason everyday, and I have to ask myself how I got so lucky to be his mom. Its an in-explainable feeling, really. Those of you who know my baby, will know what I mean.  For those of you who don't...this little boy loves with every inch of his heart. I remember well the first time I held him...in fact, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I could have sworn he smiled at me, but then again...it could have just been the huge smile on my face reflecting back at me. Jason was an adventure I wasn't sure I was ready for, but an opportunity that I wasn't going to give up. He showed up in my life at a time when he was least expected, and least planned for. Fresh out of basic training, I thought I'd have time to see the world. I thought I'd travel the country, and then someday, settle down with a family of my own. Just a couple of months out of basic training though, God would announce very different plans for me. I called Momma Gina, and when she answered, i said, without a hello, or much else, "i think i'm having people" and she said, with a smile that I could hear through the phone, and the miles "let me know when you know for sure." I went to the doctor, took the tests, and they confirmed my suspicion, there was a little me on the way. My first call was to Gina, and then to Shawn...to let him know that he was going to be a daddy. He was less than thrilled, but I was ecstatic. It absolutely never occurred to me not to have him, and I know now why that was. God was trying to tell me then what an amazing, powerful, and life changing part of me he'd become.
I saw him first at 12 weeks...and I remember how beautiful he looked. I remember thinking that there was no possible way I could love anyone, not even him, as much as I loved him that moment...but I had no idea how wrong I was. This was the moment that he owned me...and he has ever since.

I carried him carefully, and I carried him with love. I was overly aware of the fragile life I carried, and I couldn't imagine doing anything to hurt him, or lose him...he had all of me, and I knew it, even then. I anticipated his arrival, not yet knowing he was a he, but knowing what I'd name if he was going to be. Jason was the only thing that ever sounded right to me. Shawn picked that part of it...he wanted his son to be named after one of his best friends who had died. I thought about it for awhile, and fell in love. Part of me still hoped it'd be a girl...but I sort of knew he'd be a boy...I was always calling the baby a "him" or "he". I just knew....they say that happens sometimes. I remember, at 20 weeks, I went to the ultrasound to find out just exactly what was doing karate in my tummy. By this time, he wasn't very big...at least, I wasn't showing too much, but I was eager to know if I was shopping for a Jason or a Kaylee. I was rushed to know what I'd be decorating my nursery with, and what kind of clothes I could buy. I didn't really care what i had...I just wanted to have it already! My little one was, and still is, VERY open. He didn't have any problems with announcing to me that he was a boy, and giving me the most amazing look at his little face. They switched the monitor so I could see his heartbeat, and I cried. THIS was MINE. I was growing him, nurturing him, and keeping him safe and warm...and soon I would hold him, and do all of those things in person. I was taken by  him, by the whole thing. She switched the monitor again to 3D, and I got to see just what he looked like. Instantly, I saw Shawn....and instantly, i realized how wrong i was, ever thinking I'd reached the cap at which i was capable of loving him. Oh no..this baby, hadn't even begun to steal my heart...and i was already smitten. Truth be told, at that moment, I'd have done anything for him.

The rest of the pregnancy went by relatively quickly...I nested, a LOT...and had my little one's nursery ready for him long before he'd ever be in it. Soon after this ultrasound, we had a very special visit from some special guests. The person in the world who may have been MORE in love with this baby...and I'm not even sure that's possible. How eagerly we both awaited his arrival. Her first grandchild, my first child. This was monumental for the both of us, and we shared it in a way that only that we could. We shared something that day...love, and laughter, and tears...that I don't fully understand....but i don't need to. He had her that day too...

And...if truth be told, some things never change. 

Needless to say...that little baby inside me eventually wanted out, and he got his way, right on time (and not a minute sooner, as is typical of my son). I welcomed him into the world on September 12, 2007 at 4:22pm, and at that moment, I felt what it was like to REALLY give yourself to another person. I felt what it was like to want to know EVERYTHING about someone. I remember staring at him for HOURS...memorizing his face...thinking that I wanted to be able to call up his little nose anytime i needed or wanted to. I was in labor for 16 hours, none of which I really remember. Few people believe me when I say that, but its true. I was SO focused on seeing him, and holding him, that being in labor with him literally had little effect on me. I plainly couldn't WAIT to be his mommy, and see him for the first time. I longed for holding his tiny hand, and THAT is what got me through the laboring process. I remember pushing 3 times, and then the doctor was holding my beautiful baby boy. I remember my first words of him "he looks like a little gremlin...but he's my little gremlin." And i'd never, in my life...been happier than I was at that minute. 

 I don't think I was even really aware how much I loved him then, I just knew I did. I was in shock and awe that this little person belonged to me. As the days went on, this little boy grew up. He grew and he grew and he grew. He was no longer a baby anymore, before I knew it he was a crawling, pulling himself up little man. He was amazing, and holding my attention every single day. There were hard times, and sleepless nights, but he moved me...to be better than i was...to change my life. To be someone he could be proud of...because God knows I was proud of him. He was my everything, and it's hard to imagine that everything could come in such a small form...But he did...My life went from being about what made me happy, to being about what made him happy...and i found that could be summed up in just a few things. Food, Milk, and Mickey Mouse. He was a pretty happy kid...and he was alllll mine. His first birthday rolled around too fast, and he was a walking man. I remember that day well...I could practically see him going off to college....and i had a mini breakdown. 

That next year felt like a week, and before I new it...he was turning 2. And telling me what kind of birthday party he wanted. And i cried some more. 

We made the big move to Arizona that year, and his little brother was born. He got some brand new, and very exciting  memories with Momma Gina, and as I illustrated above, those memories are still going strong. They're nearly inseparable now, and that's just the way we like it. Unfortunately, my baby didn't stop growing at 2, he eventually turned 3. 

I didn't cry that day though. Instead, I rejoiced and celebrated in the amazing little man that my baby is becoming. I marveled at all the things he knew, how independent he was...and we had a really great time. That year flew by, and brought about a LOT of changes in his life. He went from having a "Daniel Monster" to a Daddy, and he learned a little about what that means. He had a wonderfully special year, and then....he turned 4. 

And so, here we are. Luckily for me, he hasn't gotten any older than this....quite yet. He's still four, and still amazing. The truth about Jason is...he's so special. And he doesn't even know it. He has no idea how a simple kiss can change my day...and he doesn't know how randomly telling me I'm beautiful can pick me up out of that hole I'm in. He doesn't know that he his smile saved my life...and he doesn't know that he's everything about me that's anything worth bragging about. He doesn't know that he's the reason i wake up everyday, and that his laugh is the thing i look foward to each night. He'll never know that he was absolutely everything i never knew i needed, and how lucky i am that he's mine. He started preschool this year, and next year, he'll be in kindergarten. He's growing up so fast, and learning so much about everything. I want so badly to slow him down...because i need him, and yet...i want so badly to let him go and watch him shine. My four year old is signing his alphabet. He's spelling words that most kids can't even say. He's wise beyond his years, and he's everything I could have ever asked for...and more. 

He's most definitely the keeper of my heart. But I'm done pretending I'm even close to feeling for him everything I ever will. Each day, he gives me something else to be thankful for, something else to look forward to. Each day, I know how lucky I am that God chose me to be his mother. The truth is, there's a lot of bad in the world. There's a lot of bad in every single day. There's hurt, there's heartache, and there's loss. There's laughter, and anger, and tears. There's suffering, and there's death. But at the end of the day...there's this.

 And that's reason enough everyday to keep on doing it.