Dear Isabella

Happy Birthday Bells!

       Today has already been a pretty rough one for mommy. There are a lot of people who are thinking about you today, which makes me very happy. My mission, after your death, was to be sure you were never forgotten. To keep you an active part of my life and my family, and today, I know for sure that I have succeeded, at the very least, in that. There is really no way for me to deal with what I'm feeling today, except for to just feel it. I let the tears flow when they need to flow, and I hold tight to the few memories that I do have, the ones that keep you alive in my mind. I take comfort in knowing that you are safe, and warm, and I tell myself that you are being cradled in the arms of the Lord, and that's enough to make me smile. Still though, today was full of "what should have been". I found myself thinking of your kicks, the way my bowl of strawberries and cream cheese would shift with your movements, and how I'd smile knowing you were in there, enjoying your snack. This morning, early, when it was just a minute after Midnight, Daddy and I listened to "Bella's Lullaby", as we often do when we want to remember you. As we listened, I was absent-minded and nibbled on strawberries and cream cheese, not even realizing how funny that was. 
        We started the morning off by buying you birthday balloons, a stuffed bear, and some bubbles. Balloons to heaven are important to me, but you know how much the bubbles mean to your brothers. There were very mixed emotions throughout the day, I had my ups, and then i had my DOWNS. And my downs were very low. At the store, I saw a shirt that said "My first birthday", and I lost it. Those are the sorts of things that I'd be buying for you today, the celebration we'd be having. It hit me like a ton of bricks...you're really not here. From that point on, I was pretty determined that we weren't going to mourn you today, instead, we were going to celebrate you. Celebrate the life that was, however short, and know that, for whatever reason, God wanted you close to him. While i find it rather unfair, i also find it to be flattering. How special you must be that God chose you to remain by his side! That thought makes me smile often. Mommy made you a birthday present to hang on the wall, really just to make me feel better, but I loved how it came out, anyways. 

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of it. I know its silly, but it's just a little something to remind you that i love you, and that i'm thinking of you. We all celebrated today, each in our own special way. Your daddy took it harder that i really expected he was going to, your daddy always seems so strong. He constantly holds me while i cry for you, and makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, it was a change to be the one that gets to comfort and hold him. He was in charge of handing out your balloons, just as he did at your memorial service. It was all pretty special. 

Each of your brother's got to let go of a balloon, and I hope they made it up there to you. Jason insisted on the purple one, because he says thats the one you would have liked the best. Logan's was white, with little hearts and Bells on it, which we figured was fitting for you. They both had so much fun sending your balloons to you. Logan threw his up to you, while Jason just sent his up slowly, with love. I could really tell he knew what we were doing it for. 

They released a 3rd balloon together, on behalf of your little brother or sister, whom we have yet to meet, and then they watched it float up to you. Your big brother Jason said "Happy Birthday Bella!" as the balloon floated away, and he watched it as long as he could. I guess this is probably when i started crying. They're so young, and yet even they know what you mean to us. 

After that, Daddy and I got to release our balloons, and we both talked to you a little before we did that. Somehow, i know you could hear what we were saying. Yesterday, the sky was so blue, i felt like i could see you if i looked hard enough, and i tried and tried...for a minute there, i almost thought i did. As i was sending off your balloon, i closed my eyes, and went to a different place. In this place, you were smiling, you were happy, and you were older. Beautiful brown hair, fiery green eyes, you were everything i hoped you'd be. Bright, soft lips, and a mischevious smile, you ran around in a park. A pretty purple summer dress kissed your skin, and the sunshine bounced off your hair. Your little white Mary Jane's made a soft pitter patter on the rocks, and i was there with you. Calling your name, stealing your kisses, and feeling your touch. For a minute, your birthday was everything it should have been....for a minute. 

Once the balloons were all safely on their way to Heaven, we blew bubbles. We all had fun doing that. Logan was trying to chase them, and Jason was upset that they were going down rather than up, but i assured him that you were getting them anyways. 

We ended our celebration with special just for your birthday cupcakes. I tried something different, and made a Fruity Pebble cupcake, and it was YUMMY! Nana says its fitting because you'd have been firey redhead JUST like Pebbles Flinstone. I like to think she's right. :) 

    Today was hard, baby girl, and it made me realize just how much i miss you, and how much i'm missing out on. It also taught me, though, that you can still make memories, and have celebrations for those who can't be with you, as I'm sure you do up there everyday. You are my special girl, my only daughter, and i am SO proud to be your mommy. Not everyone in the world gets to say that their daughter is an angel, and I'm proud of mine. Everyday, I could myself lucky to be the mommy of the brightest star in the sky. Happy Birthday and Angelversary Baby Girl. You are loved and missed, and mourned. But even more than that, you are celebrated. Thanks for Being. 

Love, 
Mommy