If you're here, then you are on my Facebook too, most likely, and if that's true, then you know that yesterday morning, we found out that our darling baby has gone to be with Jesus. I have had a HUGE outpouring of support and love, and lots of questions. The question I've had most so far, is...Why? And that's a hard question for me to hear, and even harder to answer because...we truthfully don't know why. The last time I posted a picture of my angel was at 7 weeks exactly, and 5 days later, she stopped growing. The doctors are puzzled, which puzzles me, and makes it that much harder to take in. When you look at the ultrasound, its pretty evident that there's no heartbeat. No mother wants to see that, but its definitely there. What you don't see though, is any evidence that anything else was wrong. Everything else was as it should have been, the pregnancy was healthy, but the baby didn't survive. This is hard for me to take in for a couple of reasons. How can a child, with a strong, steady heartbeat, with a perfect living environment, just cease to be? And there's still no answer really. I know I've spoken to a few of you in the past of my disdain for the VA hospital, and this time, I've had about all I can take. Weeks ago, i wrote about my condition, the anti-body they thought they found. This anti-body cuts off blood flow to the placenta, which, in turn, denies nutrients to the baby. They had me repeat the test in Week 4 of my pregnancy, with results that SHOULD have come back to us, at the very latest, in Week 6. As is typical of the VA, they didn't do their jobs, and as far as we knew yesterday, my Dr STILL hadn't received the repeat labs. Forgive me, but I have to imagine that since the disorder they THOUGHT i had denied nutrients to my child, and my child DIED as a result of lack of nutrients, something must have happened. Had we had those results from the VA when we were due to, MY doctors would have had me on the necessary medicine to prevent that. So, thank you VA, for completely screwing me up...again. D is pretty broken up, and ready for heads to roll, not so sure what will come of it yet though. There will be plenty more updates on that.
The part of this that's the hardest is the lack of symptoms. By looking at me, you'd never know that i was having a miscarriage. No bleeding, no cramping, nothing like that. I'm just walking around with a baby that will never be. That's hard for me. Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that it wasn't all just a dream. I keep thinking I'm going to go in for another appointment, and they're going to tell me they were wrong. How can I have lost this baby, and never know it? They're going to leave me to my devices for a few days, and hope that i "have" her naturally, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. Its not seeming like my body is registering the loss. On Wednesday, I get to go back to the doctor, where they'll do lots of labs, and another ultrasound. They're asking me to mentally prepare for that, but I'm not really sure how to do that. An ultrasound is supposed to be exciting, a chance to see your growing child...but this...is different. Its a look inside of me, to find out what's there and what's not, and basically, an autopsy of my baby, from inside the womb. Jeez. Try making sense of that. Its not easy. They're wanting to avoid a D&C though, because each time you have to have one of those, it increases your chances for miscarrying in the future, and i really don't need any help with that. So, on Wednesday, we'll explore the options and try to figure out what the best plan of attack is. The doctors are pretty worried about infection at this point, since the baby has been in there for so long without life. Usually, by this point, my body would have started the process of "kicking it out", but it hasn't yet. (Don't worry, body...my mind hasn't either!) I'm really to the point though, that i just want it to be over. Well, that's not true. I WANT this to not be a reality at all, but since it is, I want it to just be over. Its hard to have closure and move forward when i dont FEEL any different, when its not obvious that something is wrong. I still FEEL pregnant. I still have constant morning sickness, and am tired all the time. I haven't changed any, and it's driving me nuts. I just want to get passed this part, so I can move forward.
I've had a lot of people commend me for my strength. "I'm not sure how you're doing this with such grace, with such strength", is a sentence i heard and read a LOT yesterday. And my reason for it is this: Losing this baby was HARD. When the ultrasound tech told me that there was no heartbeat, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally in shock, just because it was the LAST thing i expected. BUT-i wouldn't trade it, not even a minute of it. After Bella died, I had to take a long look in the mirror, and decide what my faith was. I had to decide what i believed in, and what i found was, i believe in Hope. This loss was tragic, and it was raw, and real, but i don't regret it. Carrying this baby was a blessing, for every second that i get to do it. God has a plan for her (him?), its just above my pay grade, and i know that. Losing Bella taught me that there HAS to be something else...i have to believe that. Because if there's not...then what is all this for? So i tell myself that there's a purpose, that there's a reason. And that God chose me as the vessel for these angels. He saw my strength, he saw my determination, he saw my faith, and he knew that when he took my children, that i would still have HOPE. That I would move forward, head held high, tears in my eyes, and look to the sky. And that i would know that it was all worth it, and would continue to be, whatever hardships i am faced with. And so we cry. We mourn, we scream, we ask "why?", and then we choose Hope. We stand up, dust ourselves off, and remember what all this is for. We give our lives, our fears, and our triumphs to God, and I know that he'll never steer us wrong. I HAVE to believe that. So Rest In Peace, Baby Gilman. You and your sister take care of each other, and do well whatever it was you were sent there to do. I was proud to carry you, proud to love you, and oh so proud to be your mommy.
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