Conflict

This last week or so has had the topic of pregnancy on my mind, EVERYONE I know is pregnant. Seriously, its like...there's something in the water ALL over the world, so if you don't want a baby, DON'T drink it. In light of the new pregnancy in our house, and all of the complications and less than positive news from the doctor, its been put to us that this could very possibly be the last child i ever get to have. (and that's assuming of course, as we're doing, that this baby makes it to term, and comes out happy and healthy). While i think that 3 children is plenty, and don't really see a need for any more than that, I'm nervous about how I'll feel when the time comes to make that decision. Ever since i was of child rearing age, and probably before that, I've prayed for a baby girl. Someone to share secrets with me, to have the relationship with her that i always had with my Momma (well, both of them, really). So--what freaks me out is, if this child is a boy, and i can't have any other children, then i know that as much as i love my babies, i am always going to feel like something is missing...something isn't right. I know that part of that comes from the loss of Bells that i feel EVERYDAY. The baby girl i wanted, and DID have, but lost. Its a hard thing to try to wrap my head around. If this one should happen to be a girl, I'm pretty confident in my decision to have my tubes tied. Its a hard thing though, knowing that there's never an option. Its really one of those things where you just don't know what the right decision is. I guess my problem with it is, I don't like the idea of the finality of it all. Of actually knowing that regardless whether we wake up one day, in an amazing financial situation, and want to add to our family, we can't. On the other hand though, I DO understand how complicated this pregnancy is going to be, and all subsequent pregnancies...and that gives me pause as well. I have 2 beautiful boys, and another little one on the way who are very much going to need their mommy. If this one is a boy, is shooting for a girl worth the possibility that something could happen to me, and these babies could lose the their mommy? Absolutely not. So, its pretty complicated. 
               Mostly, right now though, I'm just trying to enjoy this pregnancy, knowing that it could be the last one. Its still very early in the pregnancy, so not much is going on besides discomfort, but regardless, I'm cherishing the feeling that there is someone growing inside of me. I look forward to the days of soft kicks, and then harder kicks, and then watching his kicks as he looks as though he's going to claw his way out. I look forward to the day i see whether he is a he or a she, and spreading the news with everyone i love. I look forward to shopping for the baby clothes, and tiny little baby socks, and learning to be a better mommy everyday. More than that though, i especially look forward to watching my two little guys, and the AMAZING big brother's they are going to be. My troll has a heart so full of love, ready to love anyone and anything that loves him too. And my imp, well, he's a playful little guy,  and i just know he'll be teaching the new baby all the ways to soften mommy up. :) I can't wait to see them grow together. Well, i suppose that's it for now. I'll be back again tomorrow to do my memorial to Bells for her first birthday, I'm NOT looking forward to that. :( Until then! <3