Today.

Walking into the doctors office today was surreal, to put in simply. As I walked in to the room, and signed in, the air was different. It was strained, it was tight...it was uncomfortable...and it hurt. All around me were women with their beautiful, glowing, pregnant bellies, waiting to go home with pictures of their growing little loves. Here I was, watching them, waiting in anticipation for one last look at my bean, the one that would never be. They were all about discretion though, which was one thing I was grateful for. They really cared about what I was going through, and they made it easy. The appointment itself though, was anything but easy. They took me back to the ultrasound room, and told me the drill. They gave me what i needed to get ready, and turned off the monitor on the way out. Nothing really hurts like that. Its...raw. You know they're trying to keep you from something you don't want to see when they turn that monitor off. But, we already knew that. When they came back in, they asked me how i was feeling, and i laughed a little and told them pregnant. I thought it was funny, but they didn't. I guess my attempt at lightening my already low mood didn't go so hot. They took some pictures and did some measurements, and then called the doctor in. He told us that nothing had changed, that our little one still didn't have a heartbeat. We weren't surprised by that information, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hopeful. (I find though, that that must come with the lack of symptoms, as I've never quite felt this confusion before.) I found myself drawn to the pictures though, HAVING to look at him, just one more time. And so I did...and found myself so completely in love, even still. I guess that's the thing about being a mother. Once you become one, you never really stop. And, although I knew it would hurt to see him, and know he wasn't moving, I had to. I had to see him again, I had to take in every detail I could (although, I know there wasn't much.) I think of it as the way I felt about Bella. Although the first time I ever laid eyes on her, she was already gone, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I had to take her in, I had to remember every detail I could. And this was much the same. So I stared, for as long as I could, and marveled at how small and special my little baby was. And even if I never hold him, he's still mine.
     The doctor appointment went okay though, and they asked me how I was feeling again. I told them that i felt fine. Still no symptoms, still no pain, and we expressed to them that we didn't understand what was happening really. Obviously, the baby's heart wasn't beating, and we understood that, but why wasn't my body trying to get him out. They pretty much just told me that they didn't know, and they were curious about it too. They've given me a script for a medication that is designed to do that for me, and some painkillers for the terrible day I have ahead of me. I agreed to this because its the safest option (as far as getting pregnant in the future) and allows me to do most of the work myself, with a little help from this medication. Basically, I'll spend the next 2 days in "labor" and then it will be all done and over with. At least, the physical part of it. The emotional part of it has only just started, and will take some time, I imagine. D and I were talking earlier today about the way everything is going to happen, and I expressed to him my sole hesitation, and I know its silly, but I'll share it with you all too. Regardless how many ultrasounds I see, how much proof there is that they baby just isn't anymore, without my body reflecting that diagnosis, it's just really hard for me to believe it. Having said that, it's hard for me to agree to take this pill, knowing what it's going to do, knowing what its for (for those of you who DON'T know, its the same pill they use between 4-8 weeks in abortion clinics, because it can put even a body with no problems, no labor signs, no nothing, into complete and total labor, dilating cervix, the whole nine yards.) without FEELING like my baby is gone. I REALLY have to spend today getting in the right mind-set in order to make myself do this (because i KNOW deep down, that i have to, otherwise its going to hurt me in the long run). I'm pretty much just praying now for the strength to do it, and get through it...with as much grace as i can.
        Emotions are on high today. I'm dealing with the reality that this isn't going to go away, and no, i'm not going to wake up in the morning and have anyone tell me that they were wrong. This is what it is, and now I have to move forward. We got some information today though, that was a little hard to digest. Actually, it was a LOT hard to digest, and I'll say that it's probably 75% of the reason why i feel so down today. By the measurements, and the doctors most up to date information, our baby passed away on January 13, 2012. I'm not going to elaborate any further on that, those of you who know me, or pay any attention to my postings know why this is significant, and why it really really sucks. Its hard wrapping my head around that concept. It seems so cruel, and yet so very fitting. I'm not entirely sure exactly what to think, but I do know it hurts. So today, we hold on. We cry, we laugh, we remember, and we prepare. And tomorrow, we let go. We hold hands, look toward a better day, and remember all we have to gain. We mourn, and yet, we try again. We struggle, yet we are firm. Because whatever happens, we are a family. All 6 of us. Me, D, our two special boys, and the angels that guide us everyday. We know we'll get through it, one way or the other...because moving forward is the only option there is.