I blog a lot about Bella. I know I do this: I started this
blog because of her. An outlet for my feelings, a way to talk about something
that people don’t like to talk about that. I know it do it, and I can own it.
Sometimes other topics really get me stirred up, and I feel moved to talk about
them. Today, I’m going to write about a combination of the two…in something
that has changed my heart. It’s been both healing, and absolutely destroying.
It’s interesting how they can co-exist. The other night…after waiting for
months, I watched the movie that the Stillbirth community has been very
(im)patiently waiting for. Return to Zero stars Minnie Driver, who to be
honest, I usually don’t really care for. Her movies are always just “so-so” to
me, and I don’t follow them. I’m not sure if this movie is different because
she acted in such a way that I actually believed her, or if it’s because the
topic of the movie was so close to my heart. The scene is simple, really. A
woman, who is very pregnant, finds out she is expecting a baby boy. She and her husband are very excited for
his arrival, and so in love with him. At 38 weeks, when she should have been
waiting for him to make his debut, pains send her to the doctor where her worst
fears are confirmed. There is no heartbeat. This is first heart-wrenching moment
of the movie. She pleads with the doctor, begging him to check again….begging
him to find the heartbeat that wasn’t there. I can relate to that. Oh boy. The rest
of the movie follows her struggle with grief, with coping, with social
situations, and eventually with being pregnant again. I can relate to those
feelings too. At one particular part of the movie, a woman is talking to her
about God. This woman is going on and on about everything happening for a
reason, and “God’s Plan”. This part of the movie hit me so hard that I actually
was crying and laughing at the same time. I remember giving up on God after the
loss of Bella. I remember crawling into a hole and refusing to come out of it.
I remember being down as far as I could get and not WANTING to come out, not
wanting to be saved. I remember that hurt. At one point in the movie, the main
character said something that had run through my head so many times it was
actually kind of scary. I can’t remember or find the exact quote, but this is
the best summary I can give you. She looked into this woman’s eyes and asked
her how it was in God’s plan to have her suffer a loss so great that it caused
her to lose her faith in God. Wow. I was so floored. Wait a minute, you mean
other people are feeling this too? This happened to someone besides me? I
couldn’t believe it. Once I got over the shock of what I heard, and the
laughter died down, I began to cry. How had I been so blind? How had I been so
stupid? How had I allowed myself to walk away from Jesus, when I needed his
arms to hold me the most? Why didn’t I realize then what I know now? God’s plan
for Daniel and I was to have Owen…something that never would have been if we’d
had Bella. God gives us the tools we need to endure the suffering. Why didn’t I
realize then that he was holding me? Why didn’t I realize that I survived
because she did not? There are so very many things I would do differently if I could
go back in time and change things. I tell myself often that I would bring her
back, I would save her…but the honest to God’s truth is that I wouldn’t.
Nothing I could do or could have done would save her life…if she hadn’t died
that way, she would have died another. I can own that now. This movie was
healing for that purpose. Towards the end of the movie, we watch her give birth
to her baby boy. We watch her push…and push and push…and he won’t come out….he’s
not helping her. We watch her break down, plead with him…tell him that it’s ok…that
she loves him…that he can let go….we watch her agonize, and then I agonize with
her. I remember this. This is familiar to me. I remember pushing out a baby who
I knew wouldn’t respond to me. I remember that. And then…there he is. He’s
small and purple and quiet. He doesn’t cry…and she doesn’t expect him to….and
we watch. We watch her go through the motions…she’s there but not really. I
remember that too. I wish I had the pictures, I wish I had the memories
depicted in this movie but I don’t…I hate that. Those are the things I’d do
again. Those are the decisions I’d make for us and not for the time and comfort
of others. And so, I walk away from this movie changed. How often does a movie
truly change your life? I walk away from this movie knowing that I really am
not alone. Every line of dialogue was something I had said…something I had
thought. Much of it was things Daniel had said to me. I proudly say that my
relationship with Daniel emerged stronger rather than weaker for having lost
her…neither of us cheated or hated the other….we came together and we grieved
together. I’m proud of us for that. We are 1.5 years into our rainbow baby, and
3 years into our grief process and we are still, at times, learning exactly how
to do it all. We learn what kind of parents we want to be, we learn what kind
of bereaved parents we need to be. We do it together. But now we know that we
aren’t alone. It’s not just us. We are the 1 in 4, but we aren’t the only ones.
There are 1 in 4’s everywhere…learning to live again…and understanding that
that’s okay. If you’ve lost a baby or even if you haven’t….you NEED to watch this
movie. It’s beautiful, it’s moving, it’s amazing. I’ll be watching again SOON.
