I'll Always Remember...

I wonder often what I'd like my kids to remember about me when I'm gone. Terribly morbid, isn't it? Last month when I was in the hospital, I had a dose of mortality. They told me that had we taken things only slightly less serious than we did, who knows what could have happened to me. Best case scenario, I'd have had a blood transfusion and been hospitalized for a few days....worst case scenario....I could have died. That's definitely a sentence that will stop you in your tracks. But the whole experience got me thinking: What do I want to happen to those precious children of mine, should something ever happen to me? The thought immediately crossed my mind that they'd never have the option of staying together...although I wish there was something I could do about that. I made some decisions, and figured it was time to get things together to write my will. Once I was passed that though, I began to think about the things I want my children to remember about me after I die.
    I hope they remember my voice. One thing I hope they never forget is the way I sang them to sleep. Night after night, for hours. I hope they remember hearing "mommy loves you" as they drift off to sleep. I hope they remember the sound of my laugh, and the way I said their names. I hope they remember hearing my stories...and hearing my jokes...i hope they remember that.
    I hope they remember my food. I hope they grow up, and have families of their own, and their wives cook them dinner, they say "i remember when my mom made that..." I hope they remember going through torture as they ate cupcake after cupcake waiting for mommy to get it right. I hope they remember helping. I hope they remember chopping veggies and being my Sioux chef. I hope they remember that.
   I hope they remember how i loved them. I hope they think of me and know that no matter what went on in our lives, i always cared about them, always loved them, and always needed them. I hope they think of the hugs, the kisses, and the snuggles, and remember that I was always there. I hope they remember the sick nights when i held them close, cooled their feverish foreheads, and planted kisses on their cheeks. I hope they remember that no amount of lost sleep was too much as long as they were okay...and i hope they can be parents like that.
    I hope they realize that they were everything to me. I hope they realize that they changed me. Someday, I hope they look back and say, "my momma was amazing, but she was so much more after she had us." And i hope they know that I believed that too.
   I hope the remember that I always did my best for them. Sometimes we didn't have a lot, and I didn't always have everything for them that I wanted to, but they always had what they needed, and I always did everything I could. I hope they realize that I made the money for the things they wanted, even if it meant that I went without something.....and I always, always would. I hope they know that.

And then I think of my own mommas. The two women who have had the greatest influence on my life...and it hits me...someday, I'm going to lose them. Just as they both have lost their mommas....because that's what people do...they die. And if they're lucky, they are remembered for everything they were....and everything they still are. So i think about my mom. What will i remember about her? I remember the way she smiled, i remember her laugh. I remember the years of playing song games, trying to get the other one to get that song stuck in their head. I remember movie nights with munchies and subway...i remember workout videos. I remember her holding me when I cried, the MANY times shawn and i broke up. I remember holding her hand when my sons were born. I remember holding her hand when my daddy left. I remember singing in the car, and cruising down the street. I remember shopping and smiles, and kisses and hugs, and inside jokes. I remember EVERYTHING about her, and i hope it will always be that way. And so...i think about my Momma. I remember the nights I don't really remember. i remember the kind words. I remember the inspiration and the motivation to finish school and graduate. I remember her holding my hand, and wiping my tears when Shawn broke my heart. I remember sharing with her photos of her first grandbaby and how consumed and love with him we both were. I remember my maternity photoshoot, with she and our bailey boy. I remember her taking me in and encouraging me to NEVER give up when i needed her most. I remember holding her hand when her momma died....i remember feeling every bit of the pain she was feeling. I remember her holding my hand when Bella died...and i remember thinking that she was feeling every bit of the pain i was feeling too. I remember crying with her when Baby G died, and knowing full well that i couldn't get through it without her. I remember laughter, and Sonic, and puppies, and myspace, and love. And i remember feeling like i couldn't imagine my life without her in it. Those are the things i remember now, and things i hope i never forget.

   Someday, the world will be cruel to me, and I too will lose my Mommas. I will cry, and feel empty and lost, and then I'll smile...because I'll remember. All the amazing things they instilled in me, and all the amazing things we've been through. And all I can hope is that I have and will do enough for my boys so that they have memories such as these someday when I'm gone. And i hope they know...as i know about my mommas...how very much i loved them.

To Thine Own Self Be True.

I was poised today to write a blog that'd be profound. I had a million different phrases and quotes and feelings that I thought I'd put into it. I imagined that it'd be eloquent, and that when i re-read it later, I'd feel proud. Going along with the topic of my post today though, that just didn't happen...because, as much as I WANTED to write those words, put them out there, they just wouldn't come. Writer's Block. So I deleted the terrible paragraph I'd written, and started over again. So, here we are. Its been a hell of a few months for me. Hell, to be honest, it's been a hell of a year for me. But, ya know, I really am not so sure it's been the last year that's been the hardest, so let me start from the beginning. (A Disclaimer: this is going to be painfully boring for those of you that don't know me, or don't care to, so I'd stop now.)
     I was a fresh 15 when I met Shawn, and I knew NOTHING about boys or life or love. Sure, I'd dated before, but it wasn't anything serious. It was the grade school dating where all you really did was write their names on your notebook and hold hands in between classes. It was nothing that was going to teach me about people...that's for sure. And, then....I met him. Now, it really depends on which one of us is telling the story about how we got together. If you ask me, I'll tell you that he came on to me, and he'll tell you just the opposite. Regardless though, he was my first true love. I'd say probably that I fell in love with him at about 15 and 3/4, just a month or two before my 16th birthday. By that time, he'd taught me a lot about a lot, and I was grateful to him, but I was terrified at how crazy about him I was. He made me do ridiculous things. By made, I don't mean that he forced me, Shawn was never like that...but he made me want to do ANYTHING to be around him. And I DID do some crazy things. Fast forward 2 years, and I moved out of my parents house and in with him and Momma. We took on the world together, he and I, and then, later my 18th year, I left for basic training. Headed of to join the Air Force and take a step that I thought would be positive for us. While I was gone though, he started seeing the woman who is now his wife, and we broke up. I spent 13 weeks total away from home and ended up right back in Alamo where I left from. Fast forward a few months from there, and I was expecting Jason. Now, I could really get personal, and I could put a lot of business out there, but I'll just suffice it to say that Shawn and I were going to have a little one. We hadn't really made any decisions as far as what our relationship would be, and what we'd do with him, but we both knew. The rest of Jason's story is in a previous blog, Jason. (Yes, I know I said he was dating someone else, and he WAS. So, think of me what you want to, but I had my reasons.) In January of my 19th year, we all lost something very dear to us. On January 12, 2007....Gramma Marilyn got her angel wings and went to Heaven. There's a couple of things that its important to know about her. One, she was INSANELY important to Shawn. Aside from his mom, probably THE most important person. Period. Two, I knew very little about her, but she touched my life so profoundly that I still think of her today. Three, I sang at her funeral, mentioned her in my thoughts regarding Jason (in his birth announcement) and talk to him about her often. Losing her was a shock to all of us, and was the absolute turning point in my relationship with Shawn. He didn't then, and has yet to deal with the loss of her, and I'm convinced that it affects him.
     In June of that same year, I met Cj.  I tread carefully where it comes to him, because I know I made mistakes too. In August, just before Jason was born, I married him. I wish I'd listened to my intuition, which is all to often right, when it told me NOT to do that. Jason was born and life with Cj was exactly as i thought I'd be. My life changed forever, and his changed not at all. Jason consumed all of my time, and I was  nothing if not thrilled to be a mom. I spent all of my time at home, with the baby, and he spent all of his time out...or playing video games. Needless to say, eventually we split up. There came to be a point where there was too much anger, too much of...well, too much. Once he left, I started sending Jason to my mom...for extended periods of time, and most of that time is a blur to me. I drank too much, got stupid, and forgot what my priorities were. At some point though, I remember my mom dropping Jason off to me after a week at her house and saying to me "you need to get it figured out...its not just your life you're ruining." And I realized she was right.Right around this time, my own grandma, "Grams" passed away, and shattered my little world. It was hard to imagine a world without her in it, so i often tried not to. It took me a long time to process and deal with her death, and so I knew i needed to do SOMETHING. I moved out of the house I was in, moved on to better things, refocused my life around my career and my son...and then I "met" Cody.
     (In case you haven't caught the trend here, I never stayed single for very long. Cj and I were officially divorced in July of 2008, and by that time, Cody and I were talking. For the record, at this point, I still wasn't REALLY over the whole Shawn leaving me with a baby and marrying someone else bit.) My relationship with Cody was something else, and I really thought that things with him were going to work out. We were married in January of 2009 and happy for a few months, until we both got out of the military. He wanted to move to AZ, and I wanted to stay in Arizona. At this point, i was about 5 months pregnant with Logan, and life was changing pretty drastically. We ended up moving to NM, and getting our own apartment, but that only lasted about 3 months, until Cody left me and the kids to move to Arizona, just before Jason's second birthday. He and i considered ourselves separated, and stayed that way, although i sent him pictures of my growing belly often. When Logan was born, I labored with only my mom, and our son was a full day old before Cody ever saw him. I guess you could say we got back together while he was here for that week visiting Logan, but I'm not sure really if we did or not. He went back home, and Logan stayed with me, and the pictures of my belly turned into pictures of our growing child. The day after Thanksgiving though, I decided to make the long drive to Arizona to let Cody see his son again. We stayed there, staying at Momma's house, through Christmas, and needless to say, we never left. Cody and I got back together that November, and he moved in with me at Momma's house. Things with us were ok for awhile, and I know i fooled myself into thinking we were happy, but I'd have done just about anything to make things with him work. In March of 2010, Cody and I split up, for what would be the last time. (To save myself a lot of typing, I'm going to input here that there was a LOT of back and forth with Cody, and a LOT of drama, but we're FINALLY going through our divorce...and then I'm going to leave it at that.) A week or so later, I met Daniel. (See what I mean?)
      Daniel was absolutely EVERYTHING I needed. He wanted to talk to me all the time, told me how beautiful I was, and made me laugh. In April of 2010, he flew from Georgia to Arizona and spent a week hanging out with me and the kids. The reasons for this trip were simple....i spend weeks talking on the phone to this guy, who I'd never met, and I was, quite honestly, smitten with him...and everything he was. The trip was designed to see how he clicked with my kids, because i COULDN'T be in a relationship with someone who didn't get along with my babies. Jason and Logan both took to him right away, and I was thrilled. That trip, he was dubbed "Daniel Monster" to my babies, and Jason's mission after that, was to get him out of the computer. At the end of the week, Daniel went home, and we continued to talk on the phone. Truth be told, as crazy about him as i was, I never really thought I'd see him again. A long distance relationship was actually ok with me at that point though, so we just took it one day at a time. About this same time, I made another decision that changed my life, and the lives of the kids...for the better, I think. I started going to school at ITT Tech, and began to focus my life around something. My life revolved around those kids, and I talked to my sweetheart every night...I was happy again. That July, Daniel sold his house, and moved to Arizona to be close to me. We found a place to live, and started our lives together. There have been a handful of difficulties since then: most of which have already been documented. In January of 2011, I lost Bella. This was the first thing close to REAL pain that i'd felt since my Grams died, and even this didn't come close. I want to say that THIS is the point that I forgot who I was, and who I wanted to be. When I lost Bella, everything i knew about life was wrong, and i didn't want to figure it out. I put on a good show, and i got refocused, and tried to get it together. In September, we lost Papa Jim. For some reason, his death shook me, harder than i ever imagined it was. It put a time limit on life...and made me realize that at any minute, any one of the people that i love and care about could be gone. I didn't process that very well. Things went along pretty uneventfully until Bella's first birthday, where all those feelings came crashing down again. On the morning of Bella's birthday, I was 7 weeks pregnant with the newest addition to our family, and feeling pretty down about my baby girl. I would find out 2 weeks later, that our newest addition died that day. To lighten it up a bit, i say constantly that Bella wanted a better birthday present than the teddy bear we got her, that she wanted her littlest sibling, and that helps for a minute. That---is my life in a nutshell, that---brings us to where we are today---and the point of my long winded life story.
           When I lost this last baby, whom i affectionately refer to as "Baby G", an already broken shell was thusly shattered. Ever since that day just a few weeks ago, nothing in the world seems to make sense. Nothing makes me happy, I'd rather not DO anything, and I don't remember what I wanted to be. Depending on who you talk to, you'll hear different reasons for my pain, for what's wrong with me. Since this is my time to let it all out, I guess I'll be honest. Everyone has issues. Everyone has low points, everyone has troubles. People are flawed, its human nature...but the truth is, Daniel is one of the few things in my life that I AM happy with. The last few weeks have been stressful for all of us (mostly because of the baby stuff.) and insecurities are running high. Honestly, my sadness has to do with me. It has to do with the fact that I hold guilt about Bella...I can't help but think that I should have done something differently. I should have saved her...could i have? And then this new baby, who i know i couldn't have saved, yet i KNOW its my body that killed him. Its hard to live with that. Its hard to live with the idea that i may NEVER have that baby girl that i want so badly, although i am so incredibly blessed to have my two sweet boys. I don't know that i NEED anymore kids, but i hate the idea that its not an option. Having kids and being a mom is what i always wanted to do. I hurt because I haven't accomplished ANYTHING, and I don't consider myself anything to be proud of. And so, here we are. And I'm tired...and I'm sad. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be. I don't FEEL like i'm anything but a mom and a girlfriend. I LOVE those two things, but i NEED to find something that's just for me. I need time that doesn't include any of them, and I need to be doing something that I'm good at that doesn't involve them. I love being a mom, and i love being his girlfriend, and although BOTH of those things can be stressful, they're my favorite things about life. I guess i just miss having a purpose. I miss having something that i was passionate about...something I could talk about and say, "yea, i did that."...something to be proud of. I've considered a few times about going back to the doctor, getting back on my anti-depressants, and trying to find a purpose with my life. What in this big ole world really makes me tick? Living here with Momma has taught me one big, important thing, I'm TIRED of feeling alone. Daniel works a lot, and that's awesome, but that leaves a lot of just me and the kids, and once they're both back in school...it leaves a lot of just me. I suppose that could be a good thing, since it will leave a lot of time for me to figure me out...but i have a feeling that its going to be hard. I'm going to be TIRED of being by myself all the time...i know that's how i felt before we moved here. So, moving on from here...where do i go?
         For right now, I'm going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and focus on the things that are important right now. I have to find a place to live that is suitable for me and my children. I have to find a hobby, or a job, or something that makes me happy. I have to remember that i can't be any good for my babies if I'm not any good for myself. I have to call the college i REALLY want to go to and see what the process is to get in. I have to find a way to smile, otherwise, I can't give all the love, support and happiness that those babies so badly need. I guess what I have to do is take a journey. Through my heart, and my mind, and my soul. I have to find a way to be me, again...whoever that is. I have to find a way to stop blaming myself for things I can't control, and take responsibility for the things i can. I have to stop feeling sad about the things i don't have and find a way to get them. I have to refocus, regroup and mean it. And...i have to figure out how.

I Scream....

I've been trying all day to write a blog to express what I'm feeling. During my most recent breakdown session, I took some pictures. I'll let those do the talking for me...because I just can't find those perfect words this time.

Snuggling with Baby's Teddy.

These are the only kisses i get.

Snuggling with my Baby Bells.

Snuggling Baby Bear and A Little Boy Onsie.

A Baby Bear, And Teeny Tiny Baby Socks.

Tears Over My Baby G. Mommy Misses You.

These are the only snuggles i get.

Holding Both Of My Angels.

Grief is a hateful, horrible thing. It doesn't discriminate, it doesn't care if you're not ready. It has no measure of time, or hurt, it moves in and stays as long as it needs to. There's no getting rid of it once it's here, all you can do is muddle through it, and hope you'll be ok. Its raw, and its real, and its hard. If you survive it, they say you are lucky...if you don't...they say you are weak. This week, i'm going to give myself to the grief. Let it take me, let it hold me, let it consume me, and hope that it will let me go. There must be some rain in order to find the rainbow, and as my teardrops fall, there is surely rain here.

Rest in peace sweet angels. I'll surely hold you any way I can, and your pictures serve as a memory of what once was mine. I'll never forget you, and i'll wait patiently until the day that i meet you again. Take care of each other, and love as strong and hard as mommy loved you. We'll be together soon.

An Update

It's been 2 weeks since we found out about the baby, and two weeks today since I took that pill that nearly killed me. (Perfectly harmless, my left foot.) There has been a lot of realization on my part, and a lot of tears. Its been a rough, rough, road. Since this is my blog, and in my blog I get to be honest, I'm going to be. It's going to be blunt, and raw, and real...and if you don't like it, then you can leave...because...this is my outlet. I use it as a way of getting out my feelings, my angers, and my heartaches. Read if you so choose.
      These two weeks have been a bit cloudy for me. Like i mentioned before, most of this has been physical healing, with little time for the emotional part. Here's the update on that: Physically, things haven't really changed too much, and that's a problem. At my appointment yesterday, the doctor restricted my driving, as I'm often finding myself dozing at the wheel. That means...no driving for me, for a minimum of 2 weeks. Perhaps longer than that. The cramping is still absurd, and reminds me of the way I felt that night 2 weeks ago...i'm in labor constantly. The doctors don't seem too worried about that. Everything is gone from my uterus, and things are looking normal on that front. Still bleeding incessantly, and the doctors, although they believe i shouldn't be anymore, are calling this normal as well. What's NOT normal, though they are failing to address it, is that my hemoglobin level is still crazy low. A woman at my age should have a hemoglobin level of 12-14. Right now, my level is sitting at 8.3. And this is down from last week, when my level was 9.4. They're telling me that its going to take time, and that i have to just wait, but THIS is the thing that's keeping me dizzy, and tired, and moody all the time. They have  me on lots of supplements, iron and vitamin C, and i also am still taking the percocet like candy. it'll be nice when i don't need it anymore.
    Now...the emotional part of it. Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a checkup and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was just to make sure the uterus was empty, and then i had to talk to the doctor about the way things were progressing so we could decide if anything further needed to be done. At my ultrasound though, i saw something that i REALLY wasn't prepared for. In order to keep my records up to date, they still have to put my due date in the ultrasound machine. So---imagine my heartbreak, and tears when i look up at the ultrasound monitor, and see my empty uterus...with a gestational age of 12 weeks and 3 days. That's right...as far along as i would have been if there'd still been a baby to monitor. And....i lost it. They gave me tissues, and D held me, but I wasn't really in the mood to be consoled. Truth be told, I'm still not. It seems an unfair God that would take away this child, the one that D and I had prayed for. I talk a lot about strength, and about the purpose. The feeling of knowing that there has to be a reason...and i still believe all that...but trust me, some days, its harder to convince myself than others. Yesterday, I missed him. I missed all the things i was missing, and everything he should become. Yesterday was hard for me, and it lead into today, which is equally so. They handed me a survey, to assess my mental state. They're trying to decide if I'm going to off myself of anyone else...i filled it out with the things i know they wanted to hear, and i guess it worked, because...they didn't lock me up. Good news there, i suppose. The trouble is, these constant appointments make it impossible to move on. They make it hard to get through and start over again. What they are, is a constant reminder of what I've lost...again. And that's difficult for me to deal with. In addition to that, everyone I know is pregnant. And its not that they're just pregnant, its that they're due dates are all around mine. I have a friend who actually has the same due date that i did. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO excited for the new lives. ESPECIALLY my best friend. She is expecting her first child, and I am over the moon about it...yet, i can't help but be sad that our littlest babies won't be born and grow up together like we talked about.
     I read an article last night that was so very true. Baby companies and places don't consider the feelings of grieving mothers. I have a newsletter that comes to my email every week, that tells me the progress of my baby. Although i have a baby no longer, once you opt in for these things, there's no option for opting out. I am still recieving coupons for enfamil for the baby that will never drink it, and tiny sample diapers that will never be worn. Babies are us truly does NOT allow you to remove your registry, instead, you have to make a posting on your registry that displays it as inactive. Then, as I've heard, you have to call Customer Care and give "valid reason" why they should remove your registry. They're so worried about losing business, and money, they're not concerned with how hurtful it is to call ANYONE and tell them your child is dead, let alone some people who you don't even know.
    Its weird you know. I mentioned before that they are putting the date of death for the little one on January 13th. Here's another odd tidbit about that day. D and I were out and about, spending the day together to honor our little loves birthday. D thought it would be a fun idea to take my mind off of the sadness to go to Babies R Us and do our registry. I went with him, and we looked through baby things, and ohhed and ahhed at clothes, and i cried about things that would have looked SO great on little miss Bella. He asked me, a little while into our window shopping if i was ready to start doing to registry...i hesitated, thinking that something just didn't feel right. For whatever reason, i didn't really want to do the registry that day, and deep inside, i knew it didn't have to do with Bella. I didn't know it, nor did i even imagine it, but that was the day my baby's heart stopped beating. Is it possible that somewhere, somehow, something was trying to let me know that everything would  NOT be ok? I've been thinking about that day a lot lately..wondering if I could have changed anything if I'd felt it, if I'd known. I'm sure the answer is no, but i can't help but wonder. I'm sure it will always be that way, as it is with Bella.
   So there's my progress, in as few words as I could share it. i know i can be a bit long-winded these days, but something has to make it better, right? For those of you who sat through this, thanks for enduring, and listening (so to speak), and caring...wihtout you, i couldn't make it through this...its undecided if I really am.