Dear God...

Are you there God? It's me again. I know I talk to you a lot these days, but truthfully, I'm not sure what else to do. You have two things that are very important to me, and I'm not sure how to live without them. I know you have more important things to do, but if you have some time, I'd like to bend your ear. While I was pregnant with my angels, I thought of a time when they would sit on my lap and I would tell them all about you...i wonder, if since i can't be there, you could sit them on your lap, and tell them all about me? Would you mind telling them that i loved them, and that i wish i could change the way things are? Could you tell them that I'm sorry, and that i did everything i could? I'd like you to talk to them about their father. Tell them what an amazing man he is, what an amazing person he continues to be, everyday. Tell them how hard he works for us, and how much he misses them. Tell them that i bet they look like him, and I can't wait to find out for sure. Talk to them about their brothers, because we talk to their brothers about them. Let them know how insanely loved they are...and make sure they are always looking for the bubbles that we blow to Heaven...because they're special. I'd like to tell them that they're still everything to me, that they still consume my life, but i can't tell them, so I'd like you to tell them for me. Tell Bella that I still remember every detail of the day i met her. How i watched her face, waiting for her small eyes to open, wanting more than anything to see what color they were. Tell her that i wish I'd done more...i wish i'd made more memories, and i'm sorry for that now. Tell her that i'm sorry that i didn't know everything then that i know now, and let her know that i'm trying to do right by her...to make sure other people know the things i just didn't. Tell my sweet little Baby G that I'm sorry that i didn't get to know him. I wish there was something i could have done. Tell him that my heart dropped in my chest the day they told me that he was gone, and that i spent all that weekend praying that they were wrong. Sitting in that ultrasound room the second time, i swore they were going to tell them that they'd made a mistake...that he was fine...but they didnt. Tell him my heart still breaks when i think of that. Tell him that I'm wondering what color his hair would have been and if he'd have had my nose. Tell him i think of that stuff a lot. I'd also like to just talk to you for a second. God, am I ever going to get over this feeling, this hurt? Will i ever wake up and not feel like my life is crashing around my feet? Will there ever be a normal again? I have to be honest with you, for a long time now, I've been angry at you. Although I have found some spirituality in what has happened, i can't help but wonder what i did that was so wrong....why i deserve this kind of hurt. They say that you only give us what you are sure we can handle, but   I'm not so sure you're right about me. I very rarely feel like I can handle this, and certainly not on my own. They say that you will only make me stronger as i struggle to deal with and overcome this grief....but i don't feel stronger. i feel weakened, by the second, by the minute, by the day. And i find it slowly harder to get past what I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with...how badly i hurt. God, if it's not too much to ask, can you let them know i love them? Could you tell them to send me a sign? A minute, or second of their day, to show me that they love me too? Send them to me in a dream, or a breeze, and let me know they're with me. Thanks for listening, I know there's so much else to do these days....Give them my love...and my kisses....since I can't do it myself. <3