Goodbye is the hardest thing to say.

Death is one of those things that always happens to other people. You hear on the news, you read on the internet of people all over the world dying, but you don't ever really take pause. Of course, its tragic, death always is, but never is it so tragic as when it's happening in your own backyard. 8 months ago, death struck in my backyard, and claimed the life of my beautiful baby girl, and they told me, that God had other plans for her. That she was born sleeping. I took in all they told me, but refused to really come to terms with what I'd been through. Bells death came at a time in my life when i literally felt like i had lost everything. I was at the end of my rope, staring at the noose on the end, thinking that i wanted nothing more than to be with her, wherever she was. It took me a few months to remember that she was not the only life i had created, and that here, at home, were two little boys who needed their mommy. I certainly wasn't being the best i could be for them. But how can you be the best for someone else, if you can't even be functional for yourself? I spent months and months in denial, fighting insomnia, and dreaming she was with me, only...where had i left her? I have been fighting this battle constantly and throwing every bit of my energy into keeping my head above water, and then i spoke to a friend. She told me that its ok to miss her, but that i have to remember the life i have, because while i have lost a lot, i have not lost everything. Finally, today it hit me. I have to say goodbye. Not forever, only for a little while, and only so that i can move on. Quietly and solely, i took gathered her things, and i sat with her for awhile. I cried-about the way things were, about the way they should have been, and then i took a deep breath, and spoke to her. I assured her that i loved her, and that i would never forget her, but I'm sure she already knew that. I made promises to talk to her when i can, and to continue writing in my journal, and I'll still do those things. I told her that losing her was the hardest thing I'd ever been through, and i know she knew i wasn't lying. I spoke to her in silence, using my heart as my guide, and my prayers as my word, and i asked her for help. Help to be the kind of mother i used to be. Energy and strength to move forward with my life and love all of my babies, without forgetting any of them. I told her i was selfish, and asked for the ability to love them all, equally, for they are each my children. I knew she understood, because there was a pulling in me to take my boys in my arms, and hold them close to me. I gave the Troll a big kiss, and told him i loved him. He told me he loved me too, and then we talked a little about his sister. Today, i feel like a weight has been lifted. I know she knows how much i love her, and how much i NEED for her to be a part of my life, but i also know she knows how much i NEED to start moving forward with that life, before i lose it all. As i put all of her things back on the shelves, i smiled to myself. I know that she knows how much i care about her, and i know that she knows i have to do this. So today is a brand new day, and the start of moving forward. Here's to everything i have to do to be better, and working to get there. Its not going to be easy, but i know i'll be ok. After all, i have angels watching over me. <3