Over the last few days, my baby boy has been suffering from another bout of night terrors. For those of you who don't know what night terrors are, allow me to explain. A night terror is similar to a nightmare, although it happens most frequently in stages 3 and 4 in the dream cycle, (after the child has been asleep for some time) where nightmares happen in REM. A night terror will present with symptoms similar to a nightmare, but often times, it will appear that the child is much more awake than he actually is. He will say things like "leave me alone", "don't take me", and he will wiggle and flail. A child who has a had a night terror will wake up having no recollection of the occurrence, whether it was 10 minutes ago, or even the next morning. He will be sweating, and showing great fear or panic, and is uncharacteristically difficult to wake up.
The Troll has been struggling with night terrors almost since he was old enough to explain to me that he was having them. He doesn't have them every night, few children that suffer from this condition do. When he does have them though, they rock him...and they shake him, and they make him fearful of his bedroom. Of being in it, of being in the dark, and of being alone. My troll will wake up crying, and calling out--most often for daddy. When D responds to him, with mommy close behind, he is impossible to wake. He flails and kicks and hits, and tells us "no, no, no", while he cries. We try to hold him and comfort him, and let him know we are there. He'll sit up and continue moving around, giving us the impression that he is waking up, but that is rarely the case. We sit next to him and talk to him, always softly, and without frustration, because any parent of a night terror child will tell you, yelling at him will only make the "dream" that much more frightening. We will struggle with him for a few minutes, before D finally wakes him up. The thing about a night terror is that it takes complete control of my baby. His brain has an inability to distinguish between what is a dream and what is reality. A night terror occurs because his brain believes that what is happening to him is real. In adults, it is equivalent to the kinds of dreams that make you wake up and look around. Wondering if what you were just experiencing is real. The biggest difference is, my little guy will never remember he's had them.
There's honestly no way for me to describe what it does to me as a mother. In the middle of the night, i hear him cry out. I run to him, as fast as i can, and i touch his face softly. I ask him what's the matter, and he smacks my hand away "no, no no." D comes in behind me, crouches down, and takes his shot at it, "no, im too afraid, i'm too afraid.". D tries to take our baby boy in his arms and comfort him, to no avail. We sit together, my hand on his head, and we talk to him. Calm, soothing voices, "mommy and daddy are here." After a few minutes, and tears on mommy's part, D picks him up and carries him to the living room. Even the transition has not woken him, and we lay him on the couch, wiping sweat off of his forehead, although his body is ice cold. We continue talking to him, trying to bring him out of his "dream" and back into our reality, but nothing seems to work. D finally gets him up, and of course he's confused. "this isn't my bed, this is the couch." and he's full of "what happened"s. He doesn't remember or know what he just went through, all he knows is that he's scared. And that he doesn't want mommy or daddy leaving him alone anymore.
Last night, as we were putting him to bed, he cried. He didn't want to be alone, and he felt like he was in the dark. We ended up leaving the hall light on for him all night, and he seemed to be okay with that. Its hard to deal with the reality that this is something he'll be fighting and facing all through his toddler and early childhood years. My baby is terrified, and he's hurting, and I'm powerless. I can't make the fear go away, I can't keep the monsters out of his head, and I can't even comfort him while they're in there, because he doesn't know how to let me. When he was younger, the doctors told me that the best way to handle a night terror is just to let it run its course. Let him have his episode, and hold him when he's done. I'm not sure these doctors know the pain of watching your 2,3,4 year old in such fear, and just having to watch him while he battles it out himself. They tell me that no emotional damage will be done, because he can't remember what he's fighting, but i can't help but wonder if this wont always foster a fear of the dark, of the night, and what...if anything, i can do to counter that. They tell me to give him baths with lavender oil, anything to calm his nerves, and help him find a deeper sleep. Its never as easy as that, there's never any telling when they'll hit him, and for how long.
Try as i might, i can't make this stop. No amount of light, or noise keeps the monsters away, but mommy and daddy will always be there to help fight them, when we can. We do the nightly monster checks, the story time, and the nightlight. Recently, he's started asking for something he used to ask for a lot when he was younger. And so each night, in addition to the regular routine, mommy sings him a lullaby. A small, little task, that lets that baby of mine know that he's very precious to me, and whenever he calls me, i come running...whether he knows it or not. No, being a night terror parent is NOT easy. Its hard work. It calls for long hours, lots of tears, and LOTS of snuggles, but truth is, at the end of the day, i'd rather be HIS night terror parent, then no parent at all. In the grand scheme of things, what i battle just watching him, is a candle to the flame of that precious little boy facing those monsters. In moments like these when i can't be a hero to him, he surely is a hero to me.
Thank you for sending me the link to this blog! I feel for you. My daughter has terrors as you know but she has absolutely no memories of it at all and is not scared of the dark. The biggest difference between our battles and yours is that to touch my daughter or even to speak while she is having a terror will set it off into no-where land. We actually must stand there and watch that she not fall out of bed and hurt herself. We must listen to the intense bloodcurdling screams come out of our 4 years old's mouth. We watch the sweat and tears come from her as she is lost in her own little world and we can't get to her in any way. All I can do is sit in the room and cry. After about a half an hour she will slip back into her regular dreams and never know what she has put her parents through... Not that I would ever tell her that she has caused us any pain, I love her to much for that. So at this point we are looking for anything to help... because she is one of the few that has almost nightly terrors. This week we have gone 3 days without a terror, which is the longest that we have gone without one since they started just before she turned 2. Thank you for showing me that I am not the only one who must love through the hurt. No one around my location seems to beleave what we are going through is real.
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem. People were telling me that they were just nightmares, and they're not. When people would babysit for me, they'd tell me he was bad, that he'd scream at night, not realizing that what he was doing is something he couldn't control. I talked to a sleep specialist who told me that the BEST way to combat night terrors is wake the child before they have a chance to occur. The reason is this: Children most often have the night terrors when they are deep in sleep. So if you let her sleep for an hour and half to 2 hours, and then wake her up, have her potty, or take a walk around the house, get a drink, and then head back to sleep, you interrupt her sleep pattern, Thus, she will have night terrors less often. This works well, although it seems sort of cruel. They dont know or understand why you're waking them up, and she may get upset, but if it helps stop her terrors, ten that's a start. Some people don't like the idea, but its said that that, paired with a routine and a regular bedtime, reduce the terrors to nearly nothing...and i'd say thats true, because my baby only has them for about a full week every month. So we havent totally conquered the beast but we're getting there. If you need an ear, i'm here. <3
ReplyDeleteWe have been doing the idea of waking her up.... I have been doing it two times a night. Which coincide with when she is sleeping the best (which is when the terrors hit) we wake up for a potty break at 12:30 and 4:00 which has been working so far. Except on nights when she has been playing with her cousin... It seems that this is a big trigger for her. They live less than a block away and this cousin is the only child in the family that is around her age, so I hate to break it apart! What are your little one's triggers? Do you know if there is anything you can do when a trigger has been around? My daughter seems to be triggered by her cousin, being too cold, and being in pain. Being over tired seems to do it too... but we are working that last one out.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm glad that the idea I gave you has been working for you! Actually YES! My little one does have a trigger. Its the worst when his brother leaves. My husband and i are separated, and he is the father of my youngest. So, 2 days a week, my 2 year old leaves and spends time with his dad. Those two days are THE WORST. He hates being in the bedroom alone (they share a room) and those nights are really really long. Another thing that sets him off is when he doesn't have a nap. I try so hard to push this, but he's getting to the age where he just doesn't want one. My recommendation for handling that is to change up her routine. Have a different routine for her on nights that she spends with her cousin. For my 4 year old, on the days where his brother isn't there, he is offered privileges and liberties that are too old for his little brother, so they're things he can only do when the 2 yr old isn't there. I've noticed that it allows him to realize that the time away from his brother is different, it comes with different things, and feelings. Perhaps this will help in your situation. Maneuver her routine a bit on days she plays with her cousin. Also-how much older, if at all is her cousin? Our children see and hear much more than we think they do. Perhaps they're playing monsters or something that could setting her off? My remedy for being too cold comes in the form of Feetie pajamas and a blankie. Both of my boys have "throw size" blankets that i've given them to "snuggle with". Its a little extra warmth in bed, and its a comfort tool, knowing its there with them, every night. In pain---i find that with my son, he very rarely is actually in pain! This is something he does to me to get me to stay in the room with him and baby him (little does he know, i'd do that anyways, because that's what mommies do!) If your little one is REALLY in pain, nothing she or you do is going to get her to sleep. A lot of times, they just say that because having us close to them is a comfort. I was pleased to hear that your battle is getting better...night terrors are so stressful--for both the parents and the children. You seem to be handling it well though. What sorts of things have you tried to combat her triggers?
ReplyDeleteAs for the age of her cousin... he is 5. We try our best now to make sure she follows the routine even closer than before. If she does miss nap time or fights off the thing, then we go through the bedtime routine a half and hour early. Since the first time that I wrote, we have had a total of 4 terrors and I am ever so happy! I know that the monster is not gone, but it is not rearing it's ugly head as often!
ReplyDeleteThe reasons for the pain trigger that I know are from when she fell and ended up with the buckle fracture in her arm, and for the first few nights after she ended up getting stitches in her toe and we were having problems keeping up with the pain. As for the "fake" pain that we see (that is what I call it) one kiss in the middle of the forehead to spread to all the hurt parts is all that it usually takes for my daughter.
My husband asked me to pass on a message to you so here it is "I don't know who you are, and I will most likely never meet you, but thank you for helping us when we needed it. There needs to be more people as helpful as you in this world." And I totally agree with him. Thank you. You will never know how much we thank you.
Chelsey