A Night To Remember

Today was a hard day for me. Most days like today are. I've been thinking about Bella a lot today,which is fitting because its just that kind of day. A lot of parents are quietly mourning the loss of their special angel babies. i didnt do the things we wanted to do to remember her. I wanted to release balloons and sit on the porch and talk to her. I wanted to tell her how much i miss her and remind her that she's still very much a part of everything i do. Instead, i went outside with the boys, and we blew bubbles to heaven. I asked everyone i love to also blow bubbles to heaven so she would know she was not forgotten. 


       What today DID do for me, more than anything, is make me think about the way i want to remember Bella on her birthday. I've been doing a lot of research about how to celebrate the birthday of a lost child. I've read about parents who have just visited the grave site and talked to their baby...and other parents threw a party. A celebration of family and friends, where they release balloons  and have cake, and its like a very real birthday party. Part of me thinks i want to do that. I want to have a remembrance celebration for her. i want to bake her a little cake, and release balloons, and take lots of pictures, because she was real, she was important, and her would be first birthday is pretty special. 


      I was trying to think of the best way to show her that we were all thinking of her today, and i also wanted to make it fun for the boys. So we made our own bubbles, which ended up being lots of fun. We made the bubbles green, which the Troll LOVED, although i wanted them to be pink (ya know, for a girl??) ahahah but of course i'm surrounded by too many little boys. We even went so far as to make our own bubble wands. We used pipe cleaners and made wands and then we went outside to blow bubbles to heaven. Everyone had a pretty good time, and I'm sure Bells felt close to us then. It was special to me that the Troll knew just what we were doing. It was an incredible moment. 

    I often think about how to keep her an active part of our lives, and then i tell myself, that i dont really have to try. The boys know her, they remember her, and they care for her. I am constantly loving and remembering her...so i think i do a pretty amazing job of keeping her part of our family without really putting an effort into it. And that, i think...is the most important thing. Her birthday will come around and we will do what feels right because that's the best thing we can do. This being a grieving parent thing is hard. Its hard to combine her with the life you have to continue living. But we do the best we can, and we have to know that somehow...it will all work out how its supposed to. <3