Well, chances are, if you're reading this, you know that I'm expecting a new little addition to our family. I chose to keep my darling Isabella to myself, and that's a decision that i have long regretted. For this pregnancy, I knew that regardless the outcome, i knew i had to have everything out in the open. I had to make sure people knew about this one, and that they love it as i love it.
You see, this pregnancy is a little bittersweet for me. Its hard to describe it, although i'll take a crack at it, i supposed. When i found out i was pregnant, the first thing i felt was incredible excitement. The next thing i felt...was fear. I thought about our situation, as it was, and i'll admit, i was a little nervous. More than that though, i remembered my Bella, and she was a reminder of everything that COULD go wrong. Of course, what are the odds it'd happen twice?? Yea, i know, but still--its there. Another thing i feel...quite often is..unsure. How do i keep her memory alive whilst i love another baby? Loving this little life i have growing inside of me feels like a dis-service to the memory of my angel baby. It feels like i can't love them both, and that's a hard feeling to deal with. I feel sometimes as though if i give myself fully to this child, that i will forget about the one who came before. How do i keep her light alive in my life and still be excited and interested in the life i have growing inside of me? In addition to worrying that i will not put enough emphasis on my Bella, i also worry that i will put too much emphasis on her. Will this new baby feel constantly overshadowed by the memory of her older sister? Will she feel this memory is forced upon her, as we try always to keep Bella alive in our family and in our hearts? I'm not entirely sure how to keep it from happening, and if i'll even know when it does...blahh, i don't know.
I'll be keeping a weekly update of my progress here on the blog, so that those of you who care can keep up, and i don't have to totally bombard my Facebook with pregnancy updates. So far, we know that there are signs of an anti-body in my system that has the potential to terminate a pregnancy. For this reason, they re-did the blood work and we'll be going back in to see if it's something i'll have to be medicated throughout the pregnancy for. For right now, we're just thrilled that they caught it, and are hoping that if its an issue, we can take the steps to resolve it right away. Because of this, and because of the loss of Bella, they have referred me to a doctor that specializes in high risk obstetrics and we'll be seeing them twice a month throughout the pregnancy, and having ultrasounds just as frequently. We're excited to get to see our little on so often, and happy to know that this time, we will be well monitored. This is all we really have to report right now, we're just feeling really blessed to be expecting this new little love.
A lot of love and appreciation goes out to my family this month, for being amazing. As many of you know, momma and papa (rich and gina, for those of you who don't know) have offered their home to my family in an attempt to help us get on our feet, and things together. We are going into this pregnancy, with amazing love and support, and i know that is going to make all the difference in the world. My mom, as well as my dad, have both been insanely supportive of me, and that's important. Things aren't easy right now, but i'm breathing a little better knowing i'm surrounded by so many people who love me. There are only 3 days until Christmas, and this year, i couldn't feel more blessed. My mom, dad, and brother will be missing from this years festivities, and i'm not a fan of that...but my boys will be opening presents for ages, and we'll be comfortable and warm. I'm counting my blessings often this year, as a reminder that no matter how hard things get, we always have each other. Until next week though, i hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! :)
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