Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and there is much to be thankful for. In the recent years, we have completely skipped from Halloween to Christmas, and because of this, Santa and his reindeer adorn the houses around the neighborhood, and  Christmas trees, lights, and displays consume our department stores. Thanksgiving is little now besides the day before Black Friday. A day where football plays on TV, the Macy’s day parade is filled with floats, and you get to fatten up on Turkey and all the fixin’s. Thanksgiving used to be a legitimate holiday. Is used to be about being thankful for what you have. Celebrating your blessings and surrounding yourself with family. It’s not longer about those things, it’s hardly there at all. I think back to Thanksgiving last year, and it saddens me a bit. Holidays this year are going to be a little bittersweet. While I know that I have much to be thankful for, my holidays are sadly lacking in one very serious department…and it occurs to me that I didn’t even really realize it until yesterday. At Toys R Us yesterday, I was really in the Christmas spirit. Busily looking through shelves of toys, trying to decide what the perfect presents for my boys would be. “Oh the troll would like this” and “hey, the imp would freak over that” were sounds heard quite frequently from me. I made a decision early on in the holiday planning that I wasn’t going to go hog wild on toys this year. I mean, I have an ENTIRE play room that’s dedicated to their toys. Believe me when I tell you that 95% of the time, you can’t even walk in there. It’s definitely time to get rid of the old toys that just litter the floor, and never get played with. Truth be told though, I’m one of those moms who never gets rid of anything. LOL. I say that it’s because they might want to play with it, but let’s be honest, it’s really because I’m a pack rat, and to me, things have sentimental value. THINGS remind me of a time. And a big part of me often feels if I get rid of those things, I’ll forget….but, I digress. Back to my point! As I walked through the aisles and aisles of toys, I realized quickly that only picking a few toys for them was going to be no easy task! How would I decide who wanted what more, and more importantly, how do I keep them from fighting over everything? So we documented our choices and then moved on. And that’s when it happened. Yes, it. Walking from the toys into the clothes, I saw a little outfit…about 12 months: “My First Christmas”. And it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, with a sharp end designed specifically for my heart.  My First Christmas.  Holy Hell, it would have been, right? I was quickly drug from my happy, excited, shopping mood into this other thing. Drowning with grief, looking at dresses that she’d never wear, shoes that would never be hers. Passed by the girls toys that I’d never be buying for her, and it occurred to me that this was about to become VERY real. And was I ready for that? See, all this time, I’d been quietly dreading her first birthday. I’ve yet to decide how to mark the occasion, but it’s something that’s always on my brain…it never came to mind that BEFORE I had to mark THAT occasion, I had to survive 3 others. I had to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years…all holidays that she should be here with us to celebrate. I won’t lie, it’s a little daunting. I’m not sure how to feel about it, and although I know it’s going to hurt, I’m preparing myself to be strong. Not because I can’t cry, or grieve her, but because while she’s missing, it’s still a happy and beautiful occasion for the two boys I DO have, the two that eagerly look forward to Santa and family dinners. And for them, it’s still has to be amazing.
In an effort to make sure she was incorporated in our holiday season though, we picked out a Christmas ornament for her. It’s so amazingly, perfectly her, and I’m excited to add it to the tree when we finally do put it up. There are plenty of quiet and careful ways to remember her, to not take anything away from my boys, yet never forget my girl. Thanksgiving day, we will sit out on our porch, and just like we always do, and blow bubbles to heaven. We’ll light her candle through dinner, and make sure she knows she’s there, and that she’s loved. It saddens me to know that she’s not there in body, but I have no doubt that she’s always here in spirit, and regardless what anyone else thinks or feels, I will always include her, I will always love her, and I will always say her name. I guess the reality is, that there will always be something that is going to be a reminder of what she isn’t here to do. All we can really do is think of her fondly, and remember that for everything she can’t do, my boys are doing 2 new things. And that’s pretty special.

So ya know, the holidays this year are definitely going to be different, but I’m not sure that has to be a bad thing. It will be both a happy, celebratory experience, and a time to take pause, think of those we’ve lost, and be thankful for those we have. Perhaps losing Bells has taught me a little more about holding dear what I do have. I just have to remember to smile and tell myself “I don't need an angel on my Christmas tree. There is one in heaven looking down on me.”  And from this christmas on, never will an angel adorn the top of my tree, the one I have looking down on me is so much more beautiful.