Thoughts-

Hmm...well Thanksgiving Day came and went rather uneventfully this year. We spent the day cooking dinner, as we usually do. We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and two of the 3 football games of the day. It wasn't a bad day, but it surely was lacking. My family was missing (mom, dad, brother, various other relatives) and D's family was missing (faith, Dezi, Gramma, and other various relatives) and my baby girl was missing. This hit my particularly hard yesterday as we lit her candle and had dinner with her beside us. It made it very real that rather than holding her whilst we struggled to eat turkey, we were simply remembering her. Not a very good day for mommy. I wrote to her last night...simply to let her know i loved her...and that i was thinking of her...and that this holiday without her, hurt. All these things i'm certain she already knew, yet...i told her anyways. After we finished with dinner, the kitchen was cleaned up, the leftovers put away, and then we went outside to blow bubbles. It absolutely warms my heart that the troll knows and fully understands why we do this. He does his very best to make sure his bubbles make it to his sister, and he even made sure to tell her he loved her, and "Happy Thanksgiving". Ahh the young hearted.

Today, being Black Friday, the streets are busy with holiday shoppers, in a hurry to make their early Christmas purchases. Black Friday makes people mean, for a day that is supposed to be focused around the holidays, it sure doesn't bring out the spirit of things. All over the news you hear stories. A lady pepper sprayed someone in Walmart, injuring at least 20 people, while another woman was shot while trying to get into a store. Are people really this desperate? I dunno, it seems that a time which used to be for family and friends, is now for materials and things. Its about greed and spoils rather than being together. It honestly quite irritates me. How can we expect our children to be different, when we are displaying the very qualities that we DON'T want them displaying? How can we expect them to change the world when they are following our poor example? And don't get me wrong, that's not to say that all parents partake in this, or that we're all terrible people. Its just to say that there's so much bad in the world, can the good really make any difference? Ah, the age old question i guess...to which there really is no answer.

Christmas decorating will be starting at our house this weekend....and the troll couldn't be more excited. As I've mentioned before, this Christmas is going to be a little bittersweet for me. I spoke about the bitter part, but now about the sweet. My little troll is just getting to the age where he knows and understands what Christmas is about. Last year, he wrote a letter to Santa, but didn't quite understand why he was doing it. This year though, he is already excitedly asking to write his letter, making sure to tell me what things he wants to add to his list. He's at a really fun age and i'm looking forward to the excitement that comes from the festivities this year. As for my little imp, he actually gets to spend Christmas with me this year, which is hugely exciting for me. Last year, he woke up on Christmas morning at his father's house, which meant that he missed out on the cookies and milk from Santa  and the "letter" that he left for the boys, as well as the half eaten carrots that Rudolph left behind. He did get to write his Christmas letter, that was one of the things that we all did together. This year, we are going to paint our own Christmas ornaments, and hang them on the tree. Christmas morning we will wake up, open our presents, blow our bubbles to Bella, and celebrate our holiday as a family. I look forward to that.

Holidays at our house tend to be pretty broken, and that saddens me. I know that the troll and the imp should be together for such events, but because of the decisions made by their fathers and i, that will never be. It frustrates me because i feel like we miss out on so much of that whole-ness that should come with the holidays. While they are always fun, and i always enjoy the time with my troll, things just arent the same without my baby imp. Its like having family time without the whole family. Well, it isn't LIKE that, it IS that. Its hard to know that he's being left out of so much. I often wonder if he gets to celebrate with his dad the way we celebrate here, his father has never been much for holidays--that's always sort of been my thing. It makes me wonder if he's missing out. Some of the most fond memories of my holidays include my brother, it makes me think that perhaps something is being taken from him that he won't get to have those too. Or-maybe i'm being paranoid.

I guess I've been spoiled in my relationship with the troll. Since his father has never really played an active part in his life, I've never had to share him with anyone. I don't have to worry about holidays, and birthdays, he's always with me. Occasionally, he'll be with his Nana, but that's just fine with me, because since she's down the road, and she's Nana, i get to just go spend those days with them together.  He gets to spend time here, with his momma, and his brother, where he belongs. With my imp though, i have had 50-50 custody of him pretty much ever since his dad left. There have been a few times that I've had him more often, depending on school, work, and personal schedules, but for the most part, its pretty even. This means that there have been and will be numerous holidays, birthdays and family celebrations that he'll miss, and that i'll miss spending with him. Truthfully, that eats me alive. I so wish there were some way to make that better, to be able to have him in my arms all the time. I hate each time that i have to say goodbye to him, and every time he gets left out of something that he should be here for. I hope as he gets older it gets easier, but i'm not thinking its going to. For this year though, I'll hold on tight to my babies, celebrate Christmas with them, teach them about Santa, read them "Twas The Night Before Christmas", Watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and go to sleep in our Christmas jammies. We'll bake Christmas cookies, and leave letters out for Santa Clause, and enjoy our time together, however short, as a family...as we should be.