Let them be little.

I watched my baby grow up a little today. He took at step from being a "toddler" or a "preschooler" to being a "school ager", and he's so excited about it that it should probably be a crime. I'll say, to my credit, that I maintained my composure throughout the day, trying to focus on making it a day that was special and fun for him, and not on the fact that we were celebrating things that end an era of sorts. We spent the day prepping food for his party, and then it was time to get him ready. When we were done, I could look at him and say with some certainty, that he sure was a big boy. It's terrible to look at your child and no longer see the baby in them. What used to be chubby little cheeks have been replaced with a mischievous little smile.  Arms that used to reach out to hold me, are now pushing me away. Legs that were just learning to hold his weight are now carrying him away from me, faster than I imagined. But boy did he look handsome. We went to his graduation, where they did their very best to make us weepy parents cry. And of course, a tear or two rolled down my cheek. How can my first born already be graduating things?! It's crazy to think of how far he's come, how smart he is, what potential he has, and all there is yet to be accomplished. He spent some time with his old friends, and watching him socialize, i realized that although I'd like to keep him a baby forever, he's very much his own little person. I can't help but take credit for that, knowing that for whatever he is, i created it. To a certain extent, at least. He sat there, next to his best friend Alex, and talked to her about all the "cool" things he's been doing since he hasn't had to be in school. He was having so much fun.

We took him back home and had his party for him, where he got presents, a hat's off to the grad, and cake. He was so excited all day that today was "all about him" and how special and smart and amazing he was. I watched him in awe all day, at the ceremony, and even at the BBQ. It's funny how while things like this affect us as parents so profoundly (we cry, take pictures, take video), it doesn't affect them all that much. They take part in another event, smile for another set of pictures, and feel as though they're doing the same thing they've always done. And truly, they are. He had a blast though, tickled that the focus was on him, especially when he got his very own cake and it wasn't even his birthday.

After I tucked him into bed, I climbed in bed myself and began to reflect upon the day. I'll say, I carried myself well all day until this moment. My baby was growing up, faster than i was ready for. I thought for a few minutes about the things he'd been through, even for his tiny age, and the things we'd overcome together, he and I. I realized that as much as he's growing up, he's still very much a little guy. He still depends on me to protect him, to care for him, to kiss him, and hug him, and love him. He still needs me every bit as much as i need him. As I held him close, and told him I was proud of him, and i loved him, he leaned in to me and said "I'm proud of you too." For all I've done in my life, and heard said about me, that was all the validation I needed. True enough, he might not understand what he was saying, but I give my baby more credit than that. I'd like to think he was trying to tell me I'd done ok. And that we'd be alright. I decided right then that while he's starting Kindergarten, I'm not quite ready to let go. I'm not quite ready to give up the kisses, and snuggles, and loves. Instead of thinking about how big he is, how big he's going to be, and where he's headed in life, I'm going to take his little hand, and enjoy the adventure. I've got to make time for playing, and stories, and the park, and being his mommy. Everything else can wait...babies, they don't keep. They grow, they change, they mature. Let them be little, because they're only that way for awhile. When he puts his little head on my shoulder i remember...although he's growing up, he's still young enough to need me...and that's good because I still need him too.