Blllehhhh

I'm happy for you. Of course I'm happy for you. I, of all people in your life today realize how important this is to you. I understand how monumental just the CONCEPT of this is for you. I've watched you wait, I've watched you want, I've watched you cry. There was a part of me that thought this would never happen for you. And so...in my own way, I have done all I can to fill that gap. To help you heal, and keep that whole from being open, and gaping. I've tried my hardest to give you what you were lacking, never thinking, despite how much we hoped, that what you were missing would come back. It did though. And yes, I'm happy for you. On the other hand, though, I'm apprehensive. For you, for myself. I fear you'll get hurt...and what will i do if this hurts you? How will I behave if once again your heart is broken? I'll behave like I always do. I'll quietly, dilligently, collect the pieces, and do my best to put them back together. I'll hold your heart in my hands carefully, in the way that only I can, and I'll take care of you. I always do that. I fear I'll get hurt. I'm scared of the part of me that already is. This is huge for you, and I know that. But...where does that leave me? Is this jealousy I feel? Tension? A territorial feeling that stirs and makes me want to jump in front of you and keep you to myself. I know I can't. It's a petty feeling. And I know that. This is why I type it here, cryptically, knowing that you know me well enough to figure me out, but hoping you never do. I let it all out here...because telling you how I fell would mean admitting that I feel it. It would mean admitting that while I'm happy for you, and I love nothing more than to see you smile, I hate it. Those are my smiles. My laughs. Excitement for me. The one who is, but isn't really. In the long run, in the grand scheme, I worry where I'll be. Where I used to be all you needed, am I still? I hate myself for feeling this way, for not being able to control it. For the rogue tears that stain my cheeks, and the tell-tale breathing that keeps me grounded in the now. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath, and tell myself it's all going to be okay. When we've had nothing else, we've always had each other. And nothing can change that...can it?