Happy Mother's Day...From Heaven.

 "Happy Mother's Day!"
"Thanks!"
"How many kids do you have, just the 2 boys?"
(insert awkward silence)
"No, I have these two boys, a baby girl, and another boy (yes, i always refer to him as a boy)
"Aw, I bet that will be fun! How old are they?"
(insert extra awkward silence.)
"Well, my baby girl, Bella...was stillborn at 23 weeks, and her brother died in utero at seven weeks." 
(insert painfully awkward silence)
"Well, at least you can celebrate with your boys."


Holidays can be hard. Even in the midst of all the celebration, there's still that moment when you have to stop and say to yourself "damn...she should be here for this." But then you keep going. Mother's Day, for some is not such a celebratory occasion. For some, its painful, its raw, and it's hard. Those of us who have children in Heaven, feel we are celebrating a day about being a mother without one or more of our children. That's a void that nothing really can fill. Those people, like my own momma, who have mothers in Heaven, are sending their love to the clouds, in the sky...and hoping it reaches that precious person. For us, mother's day isn't so special. It isn't so great. Its just another holiday, full of expectations, excitement...and despair. A day full of activities, missing someone that should be experiencing them too. That's a hard pill to swallow. Mother's day isn't hard just for people who have already lost...its also hard for people who are losing, or will be losing soon. So this..is also for all those children...who are losing their mommas. Momma's that are fighting the good fight. Cancer, disease, heart failure, you name it...Fighting....everyday, and knowing that each new morning could arrive without them. Celebrating holidays aren't so easy when you're so aware they could be your last. 

      That's not to say that there isn't some sweetness in this holiday, because there really is. As much as my angels in Heaven SHOULD be a part of this, let me not forget that i have two very alive and  breathing boys whose tiny little worlds revolve around me. They made their mother's day presents for me at school, and Logan invited me to a Mommy's day tea party that his class was throwing. He was so excited when i came. My own mother is healthy, and happy (for the most part) and always has an ear to listen when i'm just too frustrated to function. Little things like that weigh out some of the hurt, and make this holiday what it really is...bittersweet. Little bits of really amazing wrapped up in a world of confusion and pain. 

 God, since i can't be there to celebrate Mother's Day with my sweet babies, can you please let them know that we're thinking of them here. Let them know that if they want to get me a present, they can see me in my dreams. If they want to make me smile, they can make it rain....they can plant a flower, they can cast down a rainbow. If they want to make me happy, they need only be happy themselves...because all any mother can really hope for her children is all the happiness in the world. I guess i did right by them, because Heaven seems like the best place to do that. 

I'll celebrate the day tomorrow like i always do. I'll take the focus off myself, because i prefer not to think about it, really. Being a mom is a job full of thanks, gifts, and little blessings every single day, I don't require one special day to focus on that. I'll spend the day with my boys, so grown up, and not at all the little babies i imagine them to be...they're little people now. But at some point, when the world gets dark, and things calm down, i'll have a few minutes of silence. When that happens, i'll sneak away to her corner, close my eyes, take in the quiet, and talk to her. Not out loud, no words spoken...but quietly, inside my head, straight to her heart. I'll share with her things i want her to know, things i want her to share with her brother. 

Mother's day happens differently for people like us. We do our celebrating in pieces. Rejoicing and celebrating with the living and mourning and missing with the dead. Holiday's can be like that. 

Happy Mother's Day...to all you mom's out there. Whether you're holding your children close, or sending kisses through the clouds...whether you're sending flowers to your mom or sending bubbles to Heaven. Whether you're visiting her at home, or at the hospital...this one's for you. It's ok to be a little bit bitter...it's ok to embrace that sometimes you're not strong. It's ok to cry. And while you're crying...tell yourself...someone else is crying too. I know i will be.