I keep thinking about you. Both of you. It's hard not to, when there are so many things going wrong in the world. There's so much I wish I had done differently, so many things I wish i could have done better. The truth is that i can't go back. I can't fix it, this life doesnt come with a redo button...but boy if it did....i'd fix a lot of things. There are a couple of people in my life that are pregnant now...and i'm excited for the new lives that are coming into this crazy world. But honestly...i worry. Too much. I over-analyze, i'm over protective. If it were up to me, they'd both be in bed all the time, feet up, without a care in the world...but life doesn't work that way. And it occurs to me, for a minute...that i've forgotten that not everyone has it as hard as i did. Not all pregnancies are complicated. They don't all require weekly checkups where we pray for a heartbeat and rejoice at an inch of growth. They don't all require ultrasounds where they're told their child might not live...or that worse....they might not live either. In fact, some pregnancies are normal. Normal like Jasons, and Logans. Normal like they used to be. I forget sometimes that they can be like that. And so i worry. And i freak out. And i guard them from the worst because I can't let them go through this. I can't let them deal with this pain. This constant, aching pain. The kind that makes it hard to wake up some morning...and hard to smile. The kind that makes me feel fake...for smiling, for laughing....when deep inside i feel like i should be crying...all the time. The pain doesn't go away, never really. You just make room for it. You rearrange the space in your heart, and you allow the hurt somewhere to live. A quiet, constant reminder of what you've lost....while trying so hard to move on and enjoy what you HAVENT lost.I have to remember though, that they haven't lost...and its not hard for them. They're normal. Let them be normal, and watch for familiar signs, be on the lookout...but try not to be so freaked out ALL the time.
I see you in my dreams a lot. On those nights, i never wanna wake up. I walk through the fields of Heaven with you. We're holding hands....we're talking. I hear all about how my babies have been growing up...and what Heaven's like. I hear about Grams and about Jim, and I hear how happy they are. I get kisses and snuggles and hugs, and I hear your voices. Bells, you're always like Daddy. Always. Fire red hair, bright blue/green eyes....sparkling with mischief. Pigtails that you wear down by your shoulders like mommy, and the prettiest curls i've ever seen in my life. Your gramma ransom all over again. And my Baby G. Part of me keeps telling myself i should name you...in my dreams i never know what to say. In my heart of hearts, in my dreams...you are a little boy. But...i was convinced from day one that you would be...so no surprise that i see you that way. I wonder if you truly were. But you...are the spitting image of your momma. Dark hair, green eyes (which you got from your daddy) and my skin tone. Your dark features remind me of Logan's, which makes me smile, because i realize he looks more like me than i thought he did. But I walk with you both as you grow. You're never as old as you should be, always older...and wise beyond whatever years you may have. Its like in each dream, its important that i know something. Something that makes me wake up smiling...something that tells me that you're ok.
I think that's the bitter truth about Heaven. If there is a Heaven, the people that we love are there. Happy, smiling, playing, laughing....and we're left here. Waiting. Picking up the pieces continuing with a life that is only tolerable while we stand by, praying for the day we'll all be together again. You learn how to get along, how to start over...but you never forget, and you don't move on. You just move....its like pedalling a bike on cinder blocks. You can do it as fast as you want to, you're not any closer to winning the race. I wonder why Heaven should be so amazing...when it's so miserable here. We're left with tears, pain, regret, and god knows what else...and the ones who have passed get...peace. Seems cruel. But i guess...if death can't be an escape from the pain...from the hurt...what else is there?
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