Pregnancy Week 22. I've been waiting for this week, this post for awhile now. A lot of thoughts, and emotions have been poured into it, I've been working on it...in pieces for weeks now. Week 22 is bittersweet for me, it's hard. Here's the thing about losing a child. Once it happens, the "what if's" never really go away. So...here we are, smack dab in the middle of a (for the most part) healthy pregnancy, with a baby boy who, every single week proves to me how strong, determined, and permanent he is. And yet....so did she. All throughout our pregnancy with Bella, it never occurred to me that something could go wrong...until it did. And now, it's hard for me to imagine that a pregnancy CAN go ok, that things WILL be fine, and that we WILL hold our son...crying screaming and BREATHING.
I saw the doctor yesterday, and they used the doppler to listen to his little heartbeat. Believe me when i tell you that his heartbeat is a sound I will NEVER get tired of listening to. There were a LOT of things about this appointment that were hard for me. Firstly, we're rapidly entering the point of the pregnancy where things went badly for my only daughter. Secondly, we've officially crossed into the difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth which means, that's right, our little Owen is a person. (Not that we didn't always see him that way, just as far as legalities go.) Thirdly, they took me into the same little room they had me in right AFTER they told me that Baby G was gone. This little room, to me, signifies all things bad in pregnancy. Don't put me in that room anymore. Don't remind me of all the bad...I'm reminded of that everyday. Remind me of the good. Of the positive. Of what WILL be, of what SHOULD be...not of what wasn't, and what can never be.
So this week, will be a challenge for me. It will be full of trying to be optimistic, trying to focus on the good things. All the while, I'll be counting every kick, freaking over every ache and pain, tripping over anything out of the ordinary, and generally getting myself all worked up for what is likely NOTHING. Here are the facts. There's literally a .4 percent chance that the same thing that happened to Bella would happen to Owen. This chance is lessened dramatically by the fact that there is no exidence of placenta previa with this pregnancy. In fact, my placenta is as far away from my cervix as it's possible to be at this point in the pregnancy. That's GREAT news...and it means that what happened to Bella pretty much CAN'T happen again. And yet here I am....a week and a half from that point...around nearly the same time in the year that we got the news about Bella's and my condition. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. Every appointment has me on edge, waiting for the bad news...waiting for the shoe to drop....and then breathing the sigh of relief when, this week, we found his heartbeat, it's strong, he's still kicking, and i DON'T have to say goodbye to him. Yet.
Is it possible that God has decided we're ready for him? That Daniel may finally be blessed with the child he's always wanted, and that I may have done enough suffering...that my losses have been enough? Is it possible that this is really happening? That we'll get to hold him and touch him, and kiss him? That we'll watch him grow? That years from now, I'll be watching him graduate preschool and start kindergarten? Is that really in the cards for us? Is Owen to be our rainbow baby? You can see I have a busy, busy brain.
So this week, I ask for prayers. I ask for love, support and understanding as I worry, fret, and freak needlessly. I ask you to understand, although I know many of you truly can't. I ask you to know that I don't try to be a downer, i don't TRY to look for the negatives...I just pray. Everyday I'm grateful for everything that Owen is, and everything I'm SURE he'll be...as soon as I get past everything that isn't, wasn't, and can't be. If you understand, tell me that, share your story, sympathize with me. If you don't understand, but you want to...ask. Nothing helps more than talking about her...about him, about it all.
Today, Tomorrow, And Yesterday.....we choose Hope. We remember. We keep moving forward, bringing the past with us, rather than living in it. We choose faith. We love, we lose, and we learn to live again. Every single day.
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