Realizations of Mommy

Looking back over the years, I think of all the things that have happened. Some things I could have changed, but others...were just meant to be. I'll be the first to admit that I made a lot of mistakes. I told myself I was doing what was mature, what was right, but in all actuality, much of the time, I was just being selfish. It turns out, looking back on those days, that I had very little faith in myself. In my choices, in my strength, in my ability to be a parent. Much of that has changed, and looking back I can see how wrong I was. It takes a lot to be a parent, it takes maturity, responsibility, and the ability to have complete self sacrifice in light of your child. You jump head on into this responsibility, not ever realizing how hard those things actually are. After being a parent for nearly 4 years now, i have but a small grasp on what it actually means, and here are a few truths.
1. Gone are the days of partying all night long. In fact, I'm lucky if I'm still functional at Midnight.
2. Sleeping in is a thing of the past. Even on days when the kids aren't home, the internal "why is it so quiet in here" alarm turns on at about 615, and i spend the next 3 hours forcing myself back to sleep in order to make my tired body believe that i "slept in".
3. Acrylic nails are my enemy. There was a time when i LOVED acrylic nails. Nothing made me happier than going out on payday and having my nails done. It made me feel high maintenance, and kept. And it worked out great when it was just me, and even when The Troll was just a baby. And then he grew up. And got heavy. And expensive. So what it comes down to is: Even if i could afford to keep my nails did (which i can't), they last all of about 3 minutes before one of them has broken off, and needs repair. Which adds another $15(which again, i don't have)  so really it makes more sense to put that $40 in diapers and save us all some trouble later.
4. Nothing i ever eat is mine. This is probably the most aggravating of the parenthood realities. No matter what i am eating, i have to share it. And this baffles my mind. If The Troll and i have the EXACT SAME THING on our plates, he will NOT hesitate to tell me "mom, i think this is just gross" and then 10 seconds later its "mommy, i just LOVE what you're eating." I'm not sure if even realizes their the same thing. I think he does. I think...secretly, its just part of his plot to annoy me. And it works every time. My dinner is no longer my own.
5. The only songs i remember the words to, are played on Disney Channel and Nick Jr. I find it sad how many times throughout my day, i catch myself singing a song that i heard on one of the boys cartoons earlier that morning. Just today, I'm walking around the kitchen, trying to make The Troll some breakfast and humming to myself " Yay hey welcome crew, everyone knew just what to do, yay hey with help from you, its time to count our gold doubloons." (Jake and the Neverland Pirates, for those of you who aren't constantly subjected to these lyrics.) And it doesn't stop there. Hannah Montana, Big Time Rush, and ICarly are all 30 minute sitcoms that invade my brain. But let me not lie, i have grown kind of fond of Big Time Rush (Lookin For A Boyfriend, I See That. In Time, Ya Know I'm Gonna Be That...") That's right, i know the lyrics. Its on my Ipod too. Guilty as charged. But...i blame the children.
6. The size 5 jeans i wore in high school will sadly never fit me again. I keep them in my closet, and i try them on occasionally, inside hoping that they'll slide over my mommy thighs, but they never do. I look at pictures from high school and wonder what the hell happened. Pregnancy is odd for me. I don't gain a pound through the whole pregnancy, and as soon as the baby pops out, all of the sudden i look 7 months pregnant. Its weight gain in reverse. I cant explain it, but there it is. I'm sort of resigned now to what is reality. Size 9's are always going to be my "makes my butt look fantastic but i cant breathe and i have a ridiculous muffin top" pants, and my Size 11's are always going to be my comfy jeans. The ones that fit me just right, but are by no means flattering my ever growing butt.
7. I am the mother of an angel baby. We are an elite group. There are many like us, but few so open about it. Being the mother of an angel baby means that i am never alone. It means that i take on no chore, responsibility or hardship without help and guidance. It means that instead of watching her grow, she is watching me. It means that no task is ever too difficult, because i have her help.
8. I chop up everything into tiny, bite sized pieces. I started doing this so that The Troll could learn to chew on bite sized pieces of food, and that was 2 1/2 years ago. Now, i do it because all of the practice has taught me that i actually LIKE to eat my food in tiny bite sized pieces. It keeps me from choking on my dinner when i have to yell at either of the boys. Truly more convenient that way.
9. I actually have the urge to do my hair and make-up once a month. Once every month (i'd say around the time that Aunt Flo is about to make her debut) I have this uncontrollable urge to be PRETTY. And of course, i believe i'm pretty all the time, but you know what i mean. Once every month, i actually TRY. I wake up one morning, in a queen sized bed full of self loathing, and whilst fighting off the PMS tears, i ask myself "how can anyone  still be attracted to this HIDEOUS creature laying in bed?!?!?!" And i convince myself that none of my clothes fit. My waist line is too large, but tummy is too fat. Nothing looks good on me, my "C" cup breasts are now too small, and oh yea, by the way, over-night i've become a beastly creature not worthy of looking at. So what do i do? I curl my hair, i put on my make-up, i buy a shirt that hides my muffin top, i clean up my shoes, i put on the pair of jeans that BEST flatters my (seemingly) enormous butt, and i strut my stuff. This lasts for probably 2 days, and then the mommy in me takes over. I have 2 boys chasing each other all over the house, destroying everything in their path, and i'm in the bathroom with a curling iron? Reality hits me, i toss the curling iron back under the sink (where i personally think it belongs) and grab each of them by the ears. Time Out. Thats better.
10. My life is absolutely, 100% perfect, in all of its imperfect madness. Sure, its not all i thought it would be, but hey, few things ever are. I have two boys that mean the world to me. 2 parents that each play an important role in the life i live. Aside from them, i have an awesome brother, who is always there when i need him, an incredible best friend, who always knows how to make me laugh, Great friends who love me when i'm wrong, and a second set of "adopted" parents, who are here to love me and take care of me when my bio rents arent around too. I have a HUGE, amazing F-A-M-I-L-Y, and i wouldnt trade this crazy, beautiful, complicated life for a thing.
Reality can, at times be harsh. Some truths are hard to handle, and some truths are easy. I guess the real trick in life is taking them all in stride. My realizations are my own, I'm sure if you sit down, you'll have realizations of your own. Life is madness, but its unique to each of us, and it has hardships and treasures, but its wonderful. Someday, when I'm old and gray, i want to look back and know i lived life with the  most positive outlook possible, and end this life knowing the journey was half the fun.