Day 16: Release

Day Sixteen: Release

It's hard to pinpoint a picture, a feeling, or even a specific moment that symbolizes "release" for me. For me, feeling release was something that I worked so hard towards, something that I wanted so badly that it's hard to say at what point I really felt like I had achieved it. At times, I feel like it was at her memorial. Watching the balloons floating in the sky, towards the Heavens, I felt ready to say goodbye to her. I felt like I could let go. The days, weeks, and months that followed proved to me without a doubt that THAT was not the case. At times, I feel like it was when I found out we were expecting Baby G. I felt ready to accept what had happened, and what that meant for our lives. I found out quickly, after the miscarriage, and all that followed that that ALSO wasn't the time for release. I had a period of time where i felt like i needed to "get right with God". I've never been big on faith. I have it. I believe there's a God, and he's out there, and he's watching...but I don't take much stock in church. When Bella passed, my views changed. I found it a cruel God who would take from me the daughter I'd always wanted. Eventually though, I found clarity, I got right with god, and i eventually thought---again---that I'd found release. Yea, that wasn't true either. There was a time, just before I got pregnant this time, that I told myself "whatever will be, will be." I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made with Bella, for the mistakes I'd made with Baby G. I thought about the kind of parent I wanted to be for the boys I DO have in this world, and then I thought of how BEST to keep my daughter alive without allowing her death to own me, and who I am. That day, the day I made the time to really figure me out, was the day i believe i really found release. I accept what happened, and what i can not change. I don't like it, but I accept it. I understand what I could have done differently, and what was in the hands of God. I experienced release...i experienced closure...and with that, I am free to love the child i carry fully, and completely. With the guidance from the Lord above, and my angel baby, Bella. It was a long road, but worth every emotional moment in the journey.