Day 3: Self Portrait After The Loss

Day Three: Self Portrait After The Loss

I'm torn over which picture to use for this post, so I'm going to use two. The one above is me, just days after saying goodbye to my baby girl. In fact, I think this was the day after I left the hospital. It was my Dad's retirement ceremony, and I'd promised I'd be there...and so I was. I remember the difficulty I had putting on a brave face...and smiling..when all i really wanted to do was cry. Definitely didn't feel like celebrating, when I had just lost something so important to me. Several weeks later, the picture below was taken.


This was Daniel and I the day we officially said goodbye to Bella. We'd been prepping and prompting, and preparing ourselves for her memorial service...telling ourselves it would be the closure that we needed. In truth though, it didn't make much of a difference. Things were much the same. The only thing different was that we were changed. No longer were we concerned with trivial things...and we often carried the attitude "It could always be worse....at least we're together." We often keep that attitude now. Losing Bella taught us one important thing...something I don't think we'd have truly learned without her. It taught us how much we needed each other...and the importance of another shoulder. Of sharing our feelings, of just...being together. When times are hard now, we remember what she taught us...whenever we're hurting...whenever it's hard....at least we're together. Losing Bella forced us to look at the world differently. It forced us to see the bad in something so good. It taught us that pregnancy isn't always a peaceful, beautiful journey. Sometimes it's painful...and sometimes it hurts. It taught us about death. In a way that we'd never been acquainted with it before. It taught us that it's ok to cry. It taught us that it's ok to remember. It taught us that we were different...and that we always would be. It taught us that only few people would ever understand...and most people won't ever talk about it. And THAT taught us that we HAVE to talk about it. Moving on without Bella has been difficult, and each journey following it has been bittersweet. While rejoicing that she was and thinking of everything she could have been, we are forced to remember that she's not. She never will be...and each day, week, month, and year of our lives will go by without her. Her brothers will never know her...not really...and neither will we. No longer full of hope....no, we were changed.